Fork queue

Benny found these large brass utensils on the sidewalk today.

He didn’t take them, because they weren’t ours. Also they seemed flimsy. “They wouldn’t hold a bean,” says Benny.

If I had found these utensils, I’m not sure whether I would have left them on the ground with a sign. I might have taken them home for safekeeping, taken a picture of them and put that up instead. Or… I’m not sure.

forkscuIt’s possible they’re cursed*. I mean, who leaves giant brass utensils on the sidewalk unless they’re cursed?

*Another thing leading me to believe that these utensils may be cursed is the mysterious alert I got when I tried to open photos of them in Photoshop: “This file contains file info data which cannot be read and has been ignored.” I have never seen that alert before. Have you ever seen that alert?
Published in: on June 22, 2015 at 7:11 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Etiquette & superstition: snail juice

Snail juice. This is going to be a good one, isn’t it? The superstition tip comes from the excellent blog Time Travel Kitchen, where a nice lady named Jana finds recipes from very old cookery books and tries them out. It should be noted that she did not try this particular recipe.

ETIQUETTE: You may find yourself in front of a plate of snails at a bar or restaurant one fine day. You may also find yourself provided with some unusual utensils in order to navigate this plate of snails. If you find yourself wondering what you should do with all of these things, read on.

Take the things that look like tongs in one hand; these are indeed tongs, but they are called snail grippers. Pick up a snail shell with the snail gripper just like you think you would do, and then take the funny little fork they gave you and fish the snail out of the shell and eat it up. The snail, not the shell. If nobody gives you a snail gripper, don’t fret. Just pick up the shell with your napkin. You’ll want to use a napkin because the shell is filled with hot garlicky melted butter, and that hot garlicky melted butter doesn’t always stay in the shell.

Speaking of which, what do you do with all that leftover garlicky melted butter? The answer is: there is no such thing as leftover garlicky melted butter. Don’t be a fool. When it has cooled down a bit, take that shell and drink the stuff up. Don’t slurp. If you’re feeling fancy, you can pour the juice out onto your plate and dip bits of bread into it.

SUPERSTITION: You say you have tuberculosis? Oh dear. You should make yourself up a batch of snail water right quick. Here’s the recipe:

“Take a Peck of Snails with the Shells on their Backs, have in a readiness a good fire of Charcoal well kindled, make a hole in the midst of the fire, and cast your Snails into the fire, renew your fire till the Snails are well rosted, then rub them with a clean Cloth, till you have rubbed off all the green which will come off.

“Then bruise them in a Mortar, shells and all, then take Clary, Celandine, Burrage,  Scabious, Bugloss, five leav’d Grass, and if you find your self hot, put in some Wood-Sorrel, of every one of these one handful, with five tops of Angelica.

“These Herbs being all bruised in a Mortar, put them in a sweet earthen Pot with five quarts of white Wine, and two quarts of Ale, steep them all night; then put them into an Alembeck, let the herbs be in the bottom of the Pot, and the Snails upon the Herbs, and upon the Snails put a Pint of Earth-worms slit and clean washed in white Wine, and put
upon them four ounces of Anniseeds or Fennel-seeds well bruised, and five great handfuls of Rosemary Flowers well picked, two or three Races of Turmerick thin sliced, Harts-horn and Ivory, of each four ounces, well steeped in a quart of white Wine till it be like a Jelly, then draw it forth with care.”

Photo by Mark Bridge on Flickr

Etiquette & superstition: peas

You eat your peas with honey? You’ve done it all your life? You know they sure taste funny, but it keeps them on your knife? Well, that’s one way to do it, I guess. The proper and refined way sure is stupid.

ETIQUETTE: Proper pea-eating etiquette is frequently cited as one of the few surviving examples of etiquette as absurd classism rather than a tool to ease social interaction. It is so ridiculous, in fact, that I have had to prepare a visual aid to explain it. You take your fork, turn it upside down, put your butter knife on your plate near the pile of peas, smush the peas with the underside of your fork tines against the knife wall, and then lift the smushed peas on the bottom of your fork up to your mouth.


Do not scoop them with your fork, do not spear them with your fork. And by no means eat them with a spoon. Barbarian.

SUPERSTITION: If, when shelling peas, a girl finds a peapod containing nine peas, she should put the pod up on the kitchen door lintel. The first man who walks through the kitchen door after she does this is going to be her husband. If the first man walking through the door is her brother or a real jerk or something, it’s possible that he just has the same first name as the girl’s future husband. Phew.

Fork queue

“Hon, have you seen the paper fork? I can’t find it. Yes, I’m looking in the fork drawer. The giant fork is here, with the raver fork, and the ratchet fork, and the pizza fork, and the bacon fork, and the art forks, and the invisible fork, the pen fork, finger fork…. Argh! Where’s the damn paper fork? Why do I need it? What do you mean why do I need it?

“How else am I going to eat my paper steak?”

Published in: on May 29, 2008 at 10:56 am  Comments (1)  
Tags: , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: