Etiquette & superstition: voluntary and involuntary surrender of cream

“Etiquette & superstition: got milk?” actually would have worked quite well here as a title, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s 2017.

ETIQUETTE: If you’re having coffee or tea with someone and they ask you to pass the cream, the polite way to do this is to pick up the cream pitcher by the handle, transfer it to your other hand (grabbing it by the front of the pitcher), and offer it to the requestor with the handle facing them.

If you are at a coffee house, tea room, or diner and you discover that the milk or cream receptacle is empty (either by your actions or someone else’s), tell the waitstaff so that they may refill it. Do not leave a dairy carafe empty for someone else to discover. Seriously; even Urban Dictionary recognizes this as a faux pas. It’s barely one step up from when you were nine and you left the milk carton in the fridge with only a teaspoon of milk left in it.

SUPERSTITION: If you’re a Scandinavian witch, there are a lot of ways you can steal someone’s cream without getting caught.

  1. You can make a troll cat, which sometimes looks like a cat and sometimes looks like a cow’s hairball but totally isn’t, by rolling up a bunch of junk from the floor like fingernail clippings and sawdust and hair, then putting three drops of your blood on the ball and asking for help from Satan.
  2. You can make a milk hare out of an old sock and some wooden pegs for the ears.
  3. You can make a “til-beri” out of a dead man’s rib by rolling the rib up in stolen yarn, hiding it between your breasts, and dribbling Sacrament wine onto it over three consecutive Sundays. Once it’s strong enough from the wine, then you cut a little hole on your thigh and let it suckle from that for a while.

Now you’re ready for some milk-stealing. Just send your little helper out, and they will soon suck up a bunch of milk from your neighbors’ milk troughs and then come back and spit all the milk back out into your milk bucket. Ta da! Milk for days.

Word of the day for Monday, November 29th

Listen, Urban Dictionary: I appreciate the fact that you don’t want to turn into The Man by fettering your site with rules and editors and bullshit like that. But as a result, your site is polluted with idiotic disinformation. Right now I am looking through the various definitions your readers have submitted for one of my favorite words,

Image from glowtxt.com text generator and half of the definitions are noting that it is a slang term for marijuana. Look, I know that slang is even more fluid than standard language, but saying that “endo” means “marijuana” is wrong. And stupid. The word you are looking for is “indo.” Endo means (to use a phrase that I like almost as much as the word endo) to go ass over teakettle, usually over a set of handlebars.

Today’s post is dedicated to my friend Erin, who had the good sense this morning to endo right in front of another cyclist who happened to be the president of a local hospital. Said president stopped to check on her, then promptly called an ambulance and told her that the trip and CT scan at the hospital would be free of charge because she didn’t have any health insurance. That’s the way to endo, Erin!
Published in: on November 29, 2010 at 9:16 pm  Leave a Comment  
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