Potatoes au gratintude

If you’re reading this, you’re most definitely alive. Congratulations! If you can’t think of anything else to be grateful for today, be grateful that you haven’t died yet. And be particularly thankful that you didn’t die:

You made it, and you’re probably going to make it through the day. Check the Wikipedia list of unusual deaths for more gratitude inspiration, and please remember to chew your food.

Better than a salmonella outbreak

I couldn’t do it. There was a vintage Terrytoons Thanksgiving cartoon that was pretty funny if you excised all the Native American “gags,” and there was a “vintage” (I guess it’s vintage if it’s 29 years old) Garfield cartoon that wasn’t funny even if you excised all the “Jon is a predatory loser” gags. I couldn’t post either one, even though the latter had a theme song by Lou Rawls.

I guess I have to post the one good part of the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special, the part where Snoopy is preparing the best Thanksgiving feast ever. Watch it four times and you’ll get a normal-length cartoon. Happy Thanksgiving and stuff.

Published in: on November 17, 2018 at 1:06 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Hi, holidays!

I know I woke up at 7:45 of my own volition this Saturday morning, but I’ve never identified with Scrappy as much as in this cartoon. I’m ready for the holidays. I mean, not ready at all but ready as a child might be ready. But Thanksgiving is not until Thursday so I might need to go back to bed for a little bit as soon as I post this.

Words of the day for Tuesday, November 24th

Thanksgiving dinner tends to have its share of things that you absolutely positively are going to be served whether you like them or not. Rather than falsely declare an allergy to a particular food item (please don’t do that), perhaps you could claim a phobia*. Examples:

MeleagrisphobiaMeleagrisphobia is the fear or turkeys. I believe it’s more a phobia of the live guys running around than of a giblet on your plate, but there is little chance that anybody at your table is going to know this.

No problem with the main course? Perhaps you have

Potnonomicaphobiapotnonomicaphobia, which is a fear of potato products, particularly mashed potatoes. Please note that this is incredibly rare. Most people with a potato-related phobia tend to fear the eyes on old potatoes if a simple Google search is to be believed. Now that I’m thinking about that one, I might have it. I don’t think I can bear to even search to find a term for it. That’s… oh, why did I even find that? Ugh. Moving along.

Are you embracing your inner vampire and trying to avoid garlic? Declare yourself

Alliumphobic(1)alliumphobic and be done with it. Or perhaps you’re fine until the dessert course and for whatever reason you cannot bear to eat a slice of pumpkin pie.

Cucurbitophobia will get you out of your predicament far more quickly than a claim of gluten intolerance or sugar aversion ever will.

Perhaps the thing you know that is going to be served that you absolutely cannot swallow is Uncle Kirby’s avowal of love for all things Donald Trump. Just stay home, declare a sudden bout of

Allodoxaphobia (the fear of opinions), and order yourself a nice pizza or something.

*Actually, don’t do this either. All you faux-coulrophobics out there can suck it.


In appreciation of the little things


Published in: on November 27, 2014 at 2:19 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Some words of thanks from “Kentucky”

Published in: on November 24, 2011 at 9:48 am  Leave a Comment  
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The key that opens no doors

I had a dream last night that I was getting ready for a big Thanksgiving feast with friends and family. The venue of the meal kept changing – at first we met up at a nice little cottage, and then we were supposed to go into the city, and then we wound up back at the cottage even though that wasn’t the right place to be.

What I remember most of all is that everybody was being really selfish about wanting to be the person who cooked the turkey. My best friend had already cooked two turkeys, and had gone to a lot of trouble bringing them to the cottage (and then the city, and then back to the cottage) on foot. She had one turkey in a backpack, and she was carrying one in a really unwieldy aluminum foil wrapping. I don’t know who this best friend was, but it was very clear in the dream that she was my best friend. It didn’t matter to any of the other people that my best friend already had these two turkeys; everybody suddenly said they wanted to prepare two turkeys as well.

Since everybody else was so driven to cook more turkeys, there was no other food that was being prepared. Because of this, my best friend got on a bus to go home and make some other dishes and entrusted me with the two turkeys she had cooked. I put the turkeys in the front passenger side of my mother’s car and followed that car to where everybody had finally decided to have the meal. When I arrived at the destination, I opened my mother’s passenger side car door and found that the seat had slammed forward and the turkeys were nowhere to be found. I pushed the car seat back and found that the tinfoil turkey had pushed itself through a hole in the carpet upholstery into the engine compartment. The backpack turkey was nowhere to be found. I woke up angry.

I think I need daily meditation or a massage or something. There’s too much stuff cooking up in my brain right now.

Happy Thanksgiving


Don’t be sad, fourth toe. That selfish little crud may have a nice roast beef, but you have two hooves. Be thankful for what you’ve got.

Published in: on November 27, 2008 at 10:17 am  Leave a Comment  
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Quick, delicious, random

Oh crap. You somehow got stuck in the Thyme Cube while planning your Thanksgiving dinner menu, and you forgot all about shopping for food. It’s really down to the wire now. What are you going to do?

The traditional popcorn/pretzels/jelly beans/toast/whipped cream feast is too elaborate to pull together in such a short amount of time, and nobody was fooled by the papercraft turkey last year. Crap crap crap.

Okay, let’s pull it together. Maybe the Random Recipe Generator can help:

Chocolate Tart
Serves 1

You will need:

  • 1 lamb chops
  • 10g chocolate
  • 50ml tabasco sauce


  1. slice the chocolate
  2. grind the chocolate
  3. throw the chocolate away
  4. microwave the tabasco sauce
  5. rinse the lamb chops
  6. serve piping hot


Once again, the Random Recipe Generator has saved your ass.

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