The Marks of maturity

I’m back at work on a research project, and somehow found myself looking at a lot of “Daisy Bell” videos on YouTube this morning. If you are asking, “What is ‘Daisy Bell’?” I’m not going to make fun of you, because it’s a rather obscure title for what I thought was a pretty well-known song.

If I tell you, “It’s ‘Bicycle Built For Two’,” and you still look at me uncomprehendingly, I still will not make fun of you. If I go on to tell you, “It’s the song HAL 9000 sings in ‘2001’,” and nothing yet registers, I still will not make fun of you.

I hope you are not a young person with a beard who is sitting there with that bewildered expression, however. Because if you have a beard, I will think you are older than you actually are, and when I show you this video and you ask me, “Why is that potato wearing that hat?” I will make fun of you. I know it’s not fair, but that’s what I’m going to do. You look old enough to know better.

Cream of Capricorn One

Wow. There’s so much information about the moon landing on the internet. I really had no idea the whole thing was so complicated. You see, all the “we never landed on the moon” conspiracy theories are right about there being something funny about a lot of the photographs and video of the moonwalk, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t land on the moon. What really happened was we did land on the moon, but they couldn’t show that footage because it didn’t sufficiently provide a “rah rah America is #1” feeling. So Nixon and his cabinet and the CIA decided to hire Stanley Kubrick to direct a fake moonwalk, and Kubrick did it but got really mad at them for being so lame during the shoot, and he told them to go suck it, but the rest of the film crew got to live on the private island of their choice, and Buzz Aldrin got really depressed when Nixon taped a speech saying that Aldrin and Collins and Armstrong died on the moon, and then also Nixon got depressed and freaked out and was up one night pretty drunk with Haig and Kissinger and Rumsfeld and he said he wanted the film crew dead, and then he woke up in the morning with a hangover and changed his mind but it was too late because some rogue CIA guy already started on the mission and hired a bunch of Santas to set the sound guy on fire in his car, and also some guys pretended to be Vietnamese villagers but didn’t fool anybody in the village, and then Stanley Kubrick said sorry about telling you guys to suck it, can I borrow that cool Zeiss lens for this Barry Lyndon movie I’m making, and the CIA director kept speaking in French, and then OJ and James Brolin were running for their lives, and then it got sort of confusing.

Oh, so anyway; they did get footage of the actual moon landing, but it was just too horrifying to show to the world. I’m going to share this footage with you now, however, because I think you can handle the truth.

The truth being, of course, that the moon is actually made of porridge.

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