Apropos of nothing, today I learned that bologna goes by many names in its various guises:
Distant cousins are:
Woof. The loaf variants are starting to gross me out. Let’s not invite them to the next Circle Meat family gathering, okay?
Have you ever seen a commercial graphic design that kind of breaks your heart because it could have been so good, but people were too dumb to appreciate it? The tooth here on the Union Dental sign is that kind of design to me.
Just look at that. How many times do you see a top molar on a dentist’s sign? Never, that’s how many times. Everybody goes with the bottom molar, probably so that when somebody draws a face on the tooth it looks like the tooth has legs instead of devil horns. The Union Dental tooth, though, he goes his own way.
And that’s the part that kills me. That top molar design was obviously chosen because it suggests a U. U as in Union Dental. Furthermore, I have a feeling that the person who designed this originally made the tooth stand in for the U, but when he or she presented it to the client, the client said, “Nion Dental? What’s Nion Dental? We’re Union Dental. Nobody’s going to get that.” And the designer did as he or she was told, silently crushed as he or she is silently crushed on so many jobs.
Maybe you didn’t come here today for a sad story and a low-quality photograph, though. Maybe you came here today because most of my “good tooth/bad tooth” posts feature some toothy guy with a funny face. Fine. Here’s what Benny made me for breakfast on President’s Day.
Probably more for a restaurant than for a dentist, but that would make a good logo.
Most of my knowledge of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been gleaned from the television program Laverne & Shirley, and while that program made Milwaukee seem like a (somewhat) interesting place to be with all the wrestling and the beer and the bowling and such, it gave me no indication that it was home to a gang known as Klement’s Famous Racing Sausages™, and further to that, that it was home to beatings and kidnappings associated with said gang.
I should clarify at this point that the sausages were not the perpetrators of these crimes but the victims. Guido The Italian Sausage disappeared earlier this week, but was returned within a day to a bar in the area by some mysterious characters who warned the staff to keep their traps shut, which they understandably found difficult to comply with. From article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:
‘”Like I didn’t just see two guys plop a sausage on a bar stool,” Mohney said.’
More upsetting to me than this recent kidnapping, however, was an earlier sausage-beating incident described in the article. In the summer of 2003 during a sausage race, Guido (Guido, why is it always you?) was whacked with a baseball bat by Randall Simon from the Pittsburgh Pirates, causing a collision with Frank The Hot Dog. Adding insult to actual injury was the fact that Simon was only fined $432 and suspended for three games. My punishment would have at minimum required him to wear a ’70s-era Pirates uniform while being pelted with kraut and mustard, with perhaps a trade to ’70s-era Houston Astros for good measure.
So, I saved this video because they were making sausages out of most of my favorite foods (they left out bread and butter sandwiches, but hey), but then I looked at it again and decided I hated it even though they were making fun of bro culture and it wasn’t really bro culture (right?) because maybe making fun of bro culture is now bro culture like making fun of hipsters means you are a hipster, and I also hated it because maybe this was just a big waste of most of my favorite foods, and then I was describing the video and the sausages therein to Benny and he said, “That sounds good.” And maybe he’s right. I don’t know any more. I would try the mac and cheese one for sure.
People on MAO inhibitor antidepressants are cautioned to stay away from cheeses, chocolate, wine, pickles, and processed meat products. A person taking an MAOI while ingesting these food items is at increased risk of a hypertensive crisis, which may ultimately result in organ damage, heart attack, or stroke. In other words, a person on an MAOI has no business going to a fondue party. I am so glad I am not on an MAOI.
ETIQUETTE: A nice ritual during a fondue party is the drinking toast made when the fondue is half eaten. This toast is called “the drink in the middle.” When the cheese fondue is nearly completely eaten, a nice crust will have developed at the bottom of the fondue pot. This crust should be removed in one piece, as a sort of flat cake, and presented to the guest of honor. If the guest of honor is truly honorable, he or she will share the crust with the rest of the guests.
SUPERSTITION: When a woman in the family is expecting a child, someone in the family should prepare a large cheese. This cheese is called a groaning cheese. When the baby is born, the family gathers together and eats the cheese, slicing from the middle in concentric circles. When the hole in the middle of the cheese is large enough, the newborn infant should be passed through the hole to ensure a lucky life.
Any unmarried girl taking part in the groaning cheese ritual should take a slice of the cheese, put it in her left sock, throw the sock over her right shoulder, and go to bed immediately without saying a word. If she does this, her future husband will appear in her dreams that night.
I don’t seem to be in a written word frame of mind today, so I’ll just continue my effort to expand the “focus on luncheon meat” aspect of my Bunch Of Baloney category. To that end, here’s a rug designed to look like a giant slice of blood sausage:
The “wursttepich” series is a project by German animation house Studio Flachbild. In their words, “Ago with the sausage. Leave to us a piece prosperity carry into the rooms. Because, sausage is too beautifully, over only eaten too werden.” Amen.
They don’t have an olive loaf rug, but the beer ham is pretty close.
