Old World, old news

You know, when more than 50 guinea baboons escape from their enclosure at the Paris Zoo and the the news stories quote zoo officials saying, “They’re stronger than us,” you think you might be able to find a follow-up story some days later that says something more reassuring than “By Friday afternoon, all except four of the baboons had been reportedly captured and returned to their enclosure.” But here we are four days after the event and all I can find is a brief message on the zoo website indicating that they re-opened on Sunday.

Did they find those four other baboons? Or did those last guys escape to parts unknown

and the media decided we’re just too bored with the story now because the initial event happened nearly a week ago? I don’t know about you, but I’m still pretty interested.

(Yes, I know that’s a cartoon chimp, not a cartoon baboon. Kindly take your corrections elsewhere, friend.)



Published in: on January 30, 2018 at 9:24 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,


We humans are just getting too ridiculous and horrible. The day looms when the other primates get sick of our shit. They’re gonna steal our crowns and throw us down the garbage chute. It’s coming soon. Can you feel it?

I can feel it. Panels 2 Ponder feels it. Check them out online for more wisdom, or maybe even buy their book. 

Published in: on November 29, 2017 at 7:30 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

A card held in reserve

The more you look at this photo, the more you realize it isn’t just some wacky stunt for the tourists.

This Chinese monkey is revealing his true colors. Which candidate will most destabilize humanity, thus making an easy victory for monkeys in their impending war against humans? The enemy of my enemy is my friend, indeed.

Published in: on November 4, 2016 at 9:04 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Without human control

There hasn’t been a post here for a while about the impending man vs. ape war, but rest assured I have been monitoring the situation. It’s just that there hasn’t been any news. Until now.

Apparently some Dutch goofs flew a drone over the chimp exhibit at Burgers’ Zoo in Arnhem, and…

Yes, the drone was completely destroyed. Can you blame them?

Published in: on April 14, 2015 at 5:44 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , ,

Maybe his name is Drake

Another gem from Panels2Ponder.com.

I am pondering which of the following is correct:

  • Never call a monkey a duck. It will make the monkey very angry.
  • Never call a monkey “Janet.” It will make the monkey very angry.
  • Never call a redhead a duck. It will make the monkey very angry.

What do you think?

Published in: on March 26, 2014 at 5:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Cliffs notes

It’s still a little early in the game to make any real judgments, but so far my California History class is stranger than my class on Magic, Religion and Witchcraft. To wit, here are some facts I’ve just learned about my home state’s early days:

  • The state was named after an island of Amazon women ruled by Queen Califia. They had weapons made of gold and rode into battle on the backs of their trained griffins.
  • Head of the Spanish mission system Father Junipero Serra was 5’2″ tall, and he frequently beat and burned himself to stop the bad thoughts. He also seemed to be really proud of his ulcerated leg that developed from an untreated insect bite.
  • The all-important representative of the Spanish crown with control over the Caribbean, Mexico, and the southwest part of the future US in the late 1700’s was a fellow named Joseph de Galvez. Galvez had a really hard job to do and he kind of went crazy from all the pressure (or maybe he was always crazy), and when the native Americans in the region kept repelling Spanish rule he decided that the best thing to do was to get together an army of 600 apes from Guatemala to defeat them. Somehow this plan never came to fruition; I’m guessing he either got some rest or maybe one of his underlings said they were working on it and he forgot about it.

That’s it so far, but I’m sure there is more to come.

Who eats lettuce in the bathroom?

There are five commonly accepted collective nouns for a group of baboons:

  • a congress of baboons
  • a flange of baboons
  • a rumpus of baboons
  • a tribe of baboons
  • a troop of baboons

I’m pretty sure this is a rumpus.

via Arbroath, via Neatorama
Published in: on April 26, 2013 at 10:42 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , ,

Cornelius fallen

My friend Sweater Chicken broke the news to me this morning that the Mystery Monkey of Tampa was captured after about three years eluding The Man. Drugged up. Caged. Renamed. Ugh. It’s like the saddest movie in the world.

Much love to you, Cornelius. Here’s hoping you find a lady friend in your new home with whom you can make a baby. You can name him Caesar.

Published in: on October 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , , ,

Sherlock homo sapiens

After all the birth and death and general tumult of last week, I’ve been laying a bit low the past few days. But apparently the monkeys have not.

Initially reported as a “girl attacks macaque” story, 8-year-old Tayce Nickel’s father gives Gawker his recollection of the ugly incident that took place last Friday in a Missouri Wal-Mart parking lot:

“We parked directly beside the vehicle the owner of the monkey was sitting in (Eugene Pully). A gentleman was standing by the vehicle when we pulled up [who was] talking to [the monkey], which drew our attention to the animal. As we got out of the minivan my daughter wanted to see the monkey, with her mother standing right beside her. Standing even with the driver window, and at what we thought was a safe distance from the animal, she waved and said, ‘Hi monkey’.

“The animal then lept from the driver door onto her, grasping her hair and biting her forehead.”

But wait. There’s something weird. In the initial story, Weeks says, “As we got out, Tayce, being 8 years old, wanted to see the monkey, so she got out, looked up at the monkey, said, ‘Hi,’ and he gave the animal just enough slack to where it could jump out, grab her by her hair, and bite her on the forehead.” But in the email to Gawker excerpted above, Weeks says that Pully was outside the vehicle. Charlie’s owner was outside the vehicle but holding him inside the vehicle with a leash?

If anybody can explain to me how this would work, I’d love to hear it. If you draw me a diagram of the incident as you understand it, I’ll use your rendering as an update to this post.

UPDATE: Oh, wait. I just read this again. The “gentleman” outside the vehicle was another person talking to the monkey, and not the monkey’s owner who was inside the car? Where was he when all this happened? SOMEBODY FIND THE GENTLEMAN.

Photo by Sappymoosetree on Flickr
Published in: on August 19, 2011 at 11:25 am  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , ,

Regional hostility

On the human vs. primate front of Indonesia, recent reports have emerged showing humans employing psychological warfare on the macaques in the form of “Humiliation by doll head.”

This is getting so ugly that on this front I’m rooting for the other team. Thankfully, the macaques seem to be winning hearts and minds with their unique battle plan of “Steal the human’s camera and take very charming self-portraits.”

Well done, macaques, and thank you for taking the high road here.

And thank you for the reporting, Joe Borfo!
%d bloggers like this: