Tinseltown teeth

Benny was out and about in North Hollywood today when he saw a tooth with teeth on a dentist’s sign. Not only did he stop to take a photo,

but he went into the office and asked for a business card so that he could most properly show me this interesting little molar guy. Benny is the best boyfriend. And this is an interesting little molar guy, indeed.

Braces: check
Thumbs up: check
Pointing: check
Excited expression: check

This has all the elements of a 21st century “I can’t believe I’m taking a photo with this celebrity” pose except, if we are to judge from who he’s pointing at, the celebrity he’s excited to pose with is himself. I think this kid is going places. Today, North Hollywood. Tomorrow, real Hollywood?

Apologies to Walt Whitman

To me this tooth is a continual miracle;
The incisors that cut—the canines—the grinding of the molars—the bicuspids,
        with two cusps on them,
What stranger miracles are there?

Photo by the great Chuckles Klown

Incisor? I hardly knew her

The expressive eyes on this tooth made me drive around the block for a second look.

So gentle. So soothing… even with that giant cavity near roots. And such fine eyebrows. He’s like an old-timey drawing of Mister Sun. Interesting that this tooth resides just a few blocks away from the tooth that is being embraced by a cobra. Thanks for keeping us calm, Gentle Tooth.

Sir Cough, a guy

I seem to be way behind in posting vacation photos. We’re already in Memphis, and have passed through Cairo and Little Egypt and I can’t remember what else and I still haven’t shared my photos of all those mysterious fiberglas tombs we found all stacked up together.

 

“U” as in Underrated

Have you ever seen a commercial graphic design that kind of breaks your heart because it could have been so good, but people were too dumb to appreciate it? The tooth here on the Union Dental sign is that kind of design to me.

Just look at that. How many times do you see a top molar on a dentist’s sign? Never, that’s how many times. Everybody goes with the bottom molar, probably so that when somebody draws a face on the tooth it looks like the tooth has legs instead of devil horns. The Union Dental tooth, though, he goes his own way.

And that’s the part that kills me. That top molar design was obviously chosen because it suggests a U. U as in Union Dental. Furthermore, I have a feeling that the person who designed this originally made the tooth stand in for the U, but when he or she presented it to the client, the client said, “Nion Dental? What’s Nion Dental? We’re Union Dental. Nobody’s going to get that.” And the designer did as he or she was told, silently crushed as he or she is silently crushed on so many jobs.

Maybe you didn’t come here today for a sad story and a low-quality photograph, though. Maybe you came here today because most of my “good tooth/bad tooth” posts feature some toothy guy with a funny face. Fine. Here’s what Benny made me for breakfast on President’s Day.

Probably more for a restaurant than for a dentist, but that would make a good logo.

Rival gang of the Golden Fang

I have this category here called “good tooth bad tooth,” in which I normally rate dental mascots by their appeal. “Bad tooth” usually means an unfavorable tooth, most often a tooth that has its own set of teeth, but this week we have a different kind of Bad Tooth. This guy here is Baddest Man Alive, Bad Bad Leroy Brown, b-b-b-bad to the bone bad.

This tooth is being embraced by a cobra. Even though it’s turning blue at the top, I know it’s being embraced and not squeezed to death because cobras are not constrictors. And also this tooth would not allow itself to be squeezed to death. It is best friends with a cobra. It is One Bad Tooth.

My friend Princess Gorilla Suit* found this “dental office” yesterday and brought my attention to it, but she did not mention the other windows flanking Bad Ass Cobratooth.

Silver lions, ready to pounce. This place is so clearly a front for a secret society. A very dangerous secret society. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m in a Thomas Pynchon novel?

*Obviously a pseudonym. I’m not going to get her in trouble with this dangerous secret society by revealing her real name to them. Only a dummy would post photos of this secret society using their real name. Oh wait… shoot.

Tremolar

The mascot for Crystal Dent seems a little timid.

He has a tentative smile up on the side of the building, but as soon as he gets to the door

it’s gone. What’s wrong, Mister Tooth? Are you afraid of the dentist?

A little dab’ll do ya

Normally I find these teeth with teeth troubling, especially ones with those one long shelf tooth on top and one on the bottom, but

Super Molar here has a hairdo made of toothpaste. Come on. This guy is clearly a winner. He’s also blushing.

Thank you for finding Super Molar, Jenny Torpedo!

Ozymandias, dental edition

Oh, Theresa. Doctor Theresa. I would very much like to appreciate your self-brushing tooth statue outside your dental practice, but I look upon it with despair. Judging from the number of “Have you seen this?” emails I have received about this colossal wreck, I think that you have terrified much of the neighborhood.

I have this guilt about not liking him. He doesn’t have the dreaded Tooth With Teeth Syndrome (still wondering – can we just call this dentata dentata?), he’s smiling, and there is a very earthy, homemade quality about him. But that last part – I don’t want to associate my dentist with the adjectives “earthy” and “homemade.” It makes me think that you are going to give me fillings made of cracker meal and Elmer’s Glue. You take x-rays by taping a pair of novelty glasses over the lens of your smartphone. No, Doctor Theresa. Let’s get away from the homemade. Let’s try something more professional. Something cleaner and more noble.

Yes. I think we’re on the right track here.

Some shun sunshine

Now here is a fine-looking dental office mascot. I know he has a bit of a stain going down his side, but his roots are shiny and he does not suffer from Tooth With Teeth Syndrome (should we call that syndrome dentata dentata? Just a thought). Whatever; this guy doesn’t have it. He is positively radiating sunshine.

Oh yeah – I found him in Glendale, down the street from the unappealing-sounding dental office of a Dr. Kevorkian. Dr. Kevorkian had no tooth mascot on his sign, just his name followed by DDS. I might suggest something, Dr. Kevorkian.