Let’s make a deal

I’ll go see Avatar, but only if someone can promise me it’s better than this:

I’m waiting…

via Coudal

Hierarchy

I’m not trying to stir the pot today. Really, I’m not. I’m not the person who wrote:

“Do you understand this, Twilight fans? Regular vampires are shit. They can only beat Zombies, Witches, assorted Poltergeists, and Mr. Hyde. That is BARELY BETTER THAN A REGULAR PERSON. Shut the fuck up about vampires.”

in an incredibly thorough and informative online guide about the relative powers of various monsters. Wasn’t me. If I had written that, I would be the most powerful monster of all.

Funny people

Does everybody really love Judd Apatow as much as they are saying these days? I just don’t understand it. I have this feeling that he’s been riding on peoples’ love of his legendary TV show “Freaks & Geeks” for some time now rather than the actual quality of his films.

I also have this feeling that he didn’t have as much to do with “Freaks & Geeks” as we’ve been led to believe. I don’t know; it’s just that I feel that the person who created the characters of Bill Haverchuck and Millie Kentner would be embarrassed by the hamhanded sentimentality of Knocked Up and Superbad.

I’m not even going to approach this latest movie. Maybe he’s just one of those people like Orson Welles who never did anything as good as the first thing he did. I can’t believe I just compared Judd Apatow to Orson Welles. Anyway, I’d like to present you with a scene from Apatow’s Citizen Kane so you can make your own decision.

Whack-a-DeNiro

I feel that Robert De Niro’s awesomeness peaked about 25 years ago, so if I were a wife of one of these guys in Ypsilanti, I don’t think the following ploy would work on me. Then again, maybe if I lived in Ypsilanti was married to one of these guys I might still think Robert De Niro was awesome:

deniro

Good luck, Mark.

Etiquette & superstition: the number 13

13

For us superstition aficionados, Friday the 13th is to us what New Year’s Eve is to a seasoned drunk – we’ll take a powder and leave this day to the amateurs. But when Friday the 13th comes up two months in a row, I guess I can’t completely ignore it.

I am mainly annoyed with Friday the 13th because unlike a lot of superstitions, there is no reason to be wary of it other than “it’s unlucky.” Pretty vague, pretty lame. Let’s just talk about the number thirteen then, shall we?

ETIQUETTE: (from A Book About the Table, John Cordy Jeaffreson, published by Hurst & Blackett, 1875) It’s not a good idea to plan a dinner party for fourteen people, because somebody might cancel at the last minute. Thirteen people may dine together if there is a severely pregnant woman at the table (because basically, there are fourteen people at the table). French believe that thirteen people can sit at the table if one person does not eat or drink. If nobody is willing to do this, you should hire a professional quatorzième (a “fourteenth”), who will join you in the meal. In the 18th and 19th centuries, you could find a professional quatorzième at most dining establishments, and being a professional quatorzième was a pretty nice job to have if you were good at eating.

SUPERSTITION: The seating of thirteen people at the table is sometimes thought to be unlucky only for the first person who leaves the table. This is easily remedied by all guests getting up from the table at the same time.

Photo by Leo Reynolds on Flickr

Happy Flatulence Day

Face it – St. Patrick’s Day is one of our stupider modern holidays. It started as a celebration of a non-canonized “saint” driving the snakes out of Ireland in the 5th century, even though it’s commonly agreed upon that there were no actual snakes in Ireland at that time.

Okay; no matter. Now it’s just a celebration of Irish culture and heritage. We celebrate it by wearing green, putting an “O'” before everything we say, eating corned beef and cabbage, and drinking beer until we puke. For some reason, none of this is considered offensive. The beer drinking part, in fact, is so ingrained into the holiday that I strongly suspect this story today in the UK Daily Mail about beer being better for your brain than wine was planted by some enterprising Guinness flack:

The study compared brain scans from diagnosed alcoholics with those from healthy adults.

In non-alcoholics the hippocampus was 3.85ml.

In beer drinkers it was 3.4ml, in spirit drinkers 2.9ml and for wine drinkers it was the smallest, just 2.8ml.

The hippocampus is located deep within the brain’s temporal lobes and is also one of the first areas of the brain to be affected by Alzheimer’s disease.

Memory, navigation and spatial awareness can all be affected, and it can also cause feelings of disorientation.

I think the folks at Charles Shaw should work on a counter-attack for Bastille Day, or at least the day this year’s Beaujolais Nouveau comes out. Both of those events are so far away, though, that they’ll probably forget about it by then.

In the meantime, I’m going to look for more evidence about this idea that beer is good for you, investigate Pepto Bismol stock options, and enjoy this clip of the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra playing a beer jingle by blowing on bottles:

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