Everybody’s All-USian

Here we are, folks. If you’re reading this and you’re a US citizen, I really hope you have already voted or have made a plan to vote today. I don’t care if you’re a

wooden nutmeg or a buckeye,
a jayhawker, a buzzard or a sage hen,
a bean eater, a bug eater or a beef-head,
a green mountain boy, a granite boy or a rover,
fox or wolverine,
lizard or alligator or web-foot,
a beadle or a gun-flint,
a toothpick
or even a puke,

go and make your voice heard. Don’t fuck it up.

Most nicknames A Dictionary Of Victorian Slang via the Public Domain Review; t-shirt by John Kilduff

Sexy robot overlords

Janelle Shane has done the world a great service by training a neural network to come up with some good Halloween costumes. The neural network did not disappoint. Some highlights that you might want to try:

  • Celery Blue Frankenstein
  • Lady Garbage
  • A masked box
  • Shower Witch
  • Zombie Fire Cith Bader Ginsburg
  • The Barboon
  • Sexy The Super Bass
  • Statue of Pizza
  • Panda Clam
  • Sexy scare costume
  • Barfer

There are more ideas here and here. There’s still time left this weekend to work on one of these. Barfer should be pretty easy.

via Metafilter
Published in: on October 27, 2017 at 11:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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Has a first name, has a second name, has a third name

Apropos of nothing, today I learned that bologna goes by many names in its various guises:

Distant cousins are:

Woof. The loaf variants are starting to gross me out. Let’s not invite them to the next Circle Meat family gathering, okay?

Photo of the Dachshund UN by Craig Bush on Flickr

A funny thing happened on the way to the Apocalypse

I recently realized that I didn’t make part two of my “I found this bit of information while searching for some other information” list that I started in July while on a research job. That research job is now complete, and I’d rather think about anything other than the news today, so let’s finish this thing up.

  • There is a photo of Captain Kangaroo at the summit of Mount Everest; his grandson Britton put it there
  • Gary Busey was the last person killed on the TV series Gunsmoke
  • Westinghouse made a clothes dryer in the ’50s that played the song “How Dry I Am” when the load was finished
  • Robert Ardrey and Ashley Montagu were well-respected 20th century anthropologists with conflicting theories about the nature of aggression in humans. Ardrey believed aggression was innate, and Montagu believed it was learned. Perhaps less well-known: Ardrey was also a Hollywood screenwriter (credits include The Three Musketeers and Madame Bovary), and Ashley Montagu’s real name was Israel Ehrenberg but as a young man he changed it to “Montague Francis Ashley-Montagu” for some reason
  • There is no music composed by Beethoven (the human) in any of the Beethoven (dog) movies
  • “Stars and Stripes Forever” is only ever played by a circus band as a signal to personnel that a life-threatening emergency is happening and they must evacuate the audience
  • Mark Twain’s childhood hometown of Hannibal, Missouri is also the hometown of the voice of Jiminy Cricket, Cliff Edwards. Edwards died a penniless drug addict three and a half miles away from where I am writing this now
  • Singing trio The Andrews Sisters became estranged from one another in the ’50s, and Patty Andrews’ husband Wally is frequently cited as the reason for the estrangement. After LaVerne died, Patty and Maxene briefly reunited but soon separated again for reasons unknown. Upon Maxene’s death, Patty reportedly became quite distraught and Wally fell down a flight of stairs, breaking both wrists
  • A new species of iguana was discovered on Fiji after herpetologist John Gibbons watched the Brooke Shields film The Blue Lagoon and noticed some unusual specimens lurking in the background
  • 20th century composer Arnold Schoenberg was extremely superstitious and in particular suffered from triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number 13). He died on a Friday the 13th shortly before midnight
  • There is a Scottish variant of “She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain” called “O Ye Cannae Shuive Yer Grannie Aff The Bus.” The song allows for you to shove your uncle Willie, your aunt Maggie, and even your paternal grandmother off the bus, but your maternal grandmother is not to be shoved off the bus
  • All-American kitsch favorite PEZ candy was invented in Austria; PEZ is a shortening of the word “pfefferminz
  • Watch this:

That ruthless but stylish pimp is none other than kindly Gordon from Sesame Street.


Only 18 shopping days left

The story goes that Santa’s elves make all the toys for the good boys and girls, right? But the ads for toys always clearly stated “from Remco” or “Passman toymakers” or whatnot. So does Santa have to shop like the rest of us jerks? Or does he run some counterfeit toy operation up there?

Hurry up with your lists, kids. Santa doesn’t have Amazon Prime.

Things I have learned this week so far

  1. Jack LaLanne was addicted to sugar as a child and may have set fire to his house and chased his brother with an axe as a result
  2. I think I visited the infamous secret army propaganda film studio at Lookout Mountain without realizing it back in the ’90s
  3. Squirrel monkeys are either vegans or they haven’t learned the fine art of sifting Jell-o through one’s teeth

A new baby

When I first clicked on this link to a middle-aged lady singing a song called “I Want A New Baby For Christmas,” I was scared about what I might see. But that was stupid for at least four reasons:

  1. The new baby she’s singing about is a sweetheart, not an infant.
  2. This is a George Jones song, and I am ashamed that I didn’t know that.
  3. This is a great Christmas song that I should have heard before.
  4. This woman is a wonderful singer and she is also adorable.

Find more reasons why my initial fears were stupid:

Published in: on December 17, 2010 at 10:20 am  Leave a Comment  
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Mort Kunstler

The website for the radio show Shut Up, Weirdo recently drew my attention to the 20th century American artist Mort Kunstler. I had never heard of Mort Kunstler before, which is kind of odd because his art is right up my alley.  He contributed artwork to various men’s magazine stories with titles such as:

  • Pou-Pou and Her Balloon-Girl Ring
  • The Strangler Came Out of the Sea
  • I Need “Freak-Out” Love
  • The Sergeant Who Decoyed the Nazis’ Fraulein Werewolves
  • The Hell-Surfers
  • Nude Pushover on Sinners’ Beach
  • Those High-Handed, Money-Gouging Plumbers

Oh, wait; I guess he didn’t illustrate that last article. But still. I would want to read all of these stories even without the fantastic artwork. I can’t find the accompanying story for my favorite illustration by him, however.

Maybe if you have a moment or two today, you can write the accompanying story in the comments section.

Monsters of rock

Benny’s daughter went to Rock Camp recently, and this weekend they had a big concert. The band names were pretty good; not as good as the soccer team names, but pretty good. Here are some of them:

  • The Black and White Lollipops
  • The Frightning Lightning Girls
  • Angry East Bay
  • The Last Grapefruits
  • Lava Daisies
  • The Lemon Seeds
  • The Five Musketeers

Here are The Last Grapefruits:

Published in: on March 23, 2010 at 6:55 pm  Comments (2)  
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Words of the day for Tuesday, March 16th

How embarrassing. You come across a pile of canine excrement and exclaim, “Yucko – dogshit.” Everyone laughs at you, because they know the correct term for dogshit is scumber. Don’t find yourself in this position again. Review this list of animal waste terms every night and never be embarrassed by your lack of knowledge again:

  • sheep: buttons
  • otter: spraints
  • deer: fewmets
  • fox: billitting
  • hare: crotiles
  • hawk: mutes
  • cow: bowdewash or tath
  • general vermin: fuants
Information found via Cecil Adams’ always excellent website; keep this up, Cecil, and you’re going to have to rename it The Straight Poop.
Published in: on March 16, 2010 at 9:09 am  Comments (2)  
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