Neotropical butterfly in the apocalypse

A couple of months ago I bought some neon pink clogs. I’ve been doing a lot of unusual online shopping during this pandemic, but the neon clogs might be at the top of the list. I’m just… still not sure about them. Were they a mistake like that first flimsy laptop stand? Were they a success like those boxes of mini stroopwafels? Were they an “I’m gonna show Benny that these are completely practical no matter what he thinks” like those wire holiday garlands that I was going to wrap around the extension cords in the backyard because… uh, I know there was a reason I was going to do that. Hedge clipper electrocution risk reduction and nocturnal pest annoyance. Or something.

But the neon clogs. I guess I thought they were going to be hot pink. I guess I thought I was going to look like an Anteros renaldus:
Nope. They are brighter than that. Brighter than something called a jewelmark butterfly. All I have in common with the Anteros renaldus right now is fuzzy legs.

So what do I do with these besides wear them with black or gray clothing? They are 1983 neon bright. They cast pink light instead of shadows. I have never been so confused by an article of clothing that I actually own.

Right now the sky is an apocalyptic shade of amber and I can only see the closest set of hills from my living room window. If things start getting really bad here like they’ve been in Oregon and northern California, maybe I can wear these clogs and Benny will be able to find me through the haze if we get separated while we’re out and about. Wait – we don’t go out and about anymore. Because we’re still in a pandemic. Maybe I can start working on a concept Halloween costume – early ’80s MTV Anteros renaldus.

What? Halloween is cancelled?

Maybe these are my new gardening clogs.

Just your clown

I think I have decided to stop documenting my daily work from home outfits. On Monday I was fine, and put together some sort of Holy Mountain/Juliet Of The Spirits get-up:

but things were feeling a bit forced and I was also getting worried that I was veering into Mimi from The Drew Carey Show territory. Work has been as busy as ever, and finding outfits that I can sit in all day while concentrating has been a bit difficult. Cocktail dresses are 100% out of the question, as are cheap wigs and 20-eyelet combat boots.

Yesterday I looked down at my pants

and started seeing patterns that I knew weren’t there. This was especially troubling because I had already made a joke about “The Yellow Wallpaper” to a friend last week who had a fever and was self-quarantining in a golden-hued bedroom (she tested negative for the COVID-19, thankfully), and I don’t want any strange women to start climbing through the flowers into either of our lives. My house is crowded with strange men and girls and babies as it is.

So yeah, I’m going to quit this before things get to the point of no return. I have a serious job and an important reputation to live up to.

Now pardon me while I go fetch my emery board.

La deuxième semaine

Here we are at the second week of working from home due to the national stay in place directives. How’s everybody doing?

I personally found myself slipping a bit in terms of pep in the mornings, not feeling like combing my hair or putting on makeup and wanting to just stay in my yoga pants, but 1) I really did have trouble waking up and being alert and just minimally aware on the mornings that I felt like that – I actually had to get dressed in order to keep the day from slipping away in a haze; and 2) this week John Lurie exhorted everyone to “be fucking adorable” in order to help our fellow man. And I don’t know about you, but I am so happy that John Lurie beat Lyme disease and is with us mentally again that I am going to do what he asks here, or at least give it a good effort.

So here’s what I may or may not have worn to work this week. I learned something this week – namely, that I have an awful lot of pink and purple in my wardrobe. I guess it might be an obvious thing seeing as pink is my favorite color, but pink or purple or pinky purple was in every outfit this week and I didn’t even try.

I’m wondering if Mondays are going to be Muumuu Mondays. Technically this is a tacky-ass polyester dashiki I bought for $6.99 at Ross Dress For Less and not a muumuu,

but this is the second Monday in a row that I’ve worn a floor-length flowing gown so maybe a pattern is emerging. And yes, that is a crown:

Benny made that crown for me. It’s an excellent crown.

Tuesday is when things really weren’t going very well. It started with me unhappy that I was doing a cravat thing again with a scarf

which is fine and all, but I always seem to do cravats… or ascots, or whatever that is. This scarf maybe needed to be highlighted a little more, so I started trying to do things with the scarf that I see ladies who scarf it up seem to do, and

just

no, and I found myself needing to speak to the manager IMMEDIATELY

and Rhoda Morgenstern decided to call it a day with the scarf experiment.

Wednesday I had another staff meeting, so I thought I would try to profesh things up with a nice blazer

but I also had to wear my new black turtleneck sweater, and whenever I wear a turtleneck I need to wear a medallion of some sort, so maybe I looked kind of ’60s satanist. I don’t know. Was Kenneth Jay Lane a satanist? I actually did see this medallion of mine in The Love Witch.

Of course, witches and satanists aren’t the same thing so I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. Moving on.

Wednesday night is when my friend directed me to John Lurie’s plea, so Thursday I decided to try for that adorable thing.

I might be in that no man’s land of too old and also too young for adorable right now. I tried, John Lurie. I tried.

Where’s the pink, you ask?

Well, they look more pink in person. They are definitely in the pink-purple family. Yee haw.

And now we’re here at Friday. I started getting really cold at some point yesterday, and my stomach also started hurting, so I started freaking out because I thought I was getting sick, and then I realized I was just cold because… it was cold in the house. So this morning I nipped that in the bud with a faux fur hat and my bathmat coat (and another medallion)

AND

Hot Socks. These are bead-filled slippers that you throw in the microwave for about a minute, and when you put them on your feet are very nice and toasty. You can’t really walk in them, but we’re working from home now so this isn’t an issue.

If there is one thing so far from my work from home wardrobe that I would like to figure out how to integrate into office wear when we’re back to business as usual, it’s these Hot Socks. Any thoughts?

Prêt-à-rester

With the widespread directives to work from home this week, a lot of American office workers expressed some muted excitement about being able to join their permanent telecommuting compatriots in wearing pajamas all day. This minor joy was soon quashed, of course, by countless articles that immediately cropped up online exhorting workers to continue to dress as if they were going in to the office, and thus stave off… confusion? Sloth? Unproductivity?

I decided to go a different route. I got up and dressed and put on makeup every morning this week, but there was no way in hell I was going to put on regular office clothes if I didn’t have to. And I think it worked. I felt awake and productive, and now I had a goal as well. I realized that if I was going to keep this up I was going to have to learn how to take better selfies.

Monday I started off a little slow with a hostess gown –

Tuesday, of course, was St. Patrick’s Day –

I had a virtual staff meeting on Wednesday so I wanted to look… French, I guess?

Maybe not French. I dunno:

Thursday I summoned the power of Charlie Brown:

And today, I did some sort of tribute to The Wizard Of Oz to cap off the week. I was going for lions and tigers and bears

but it was more leopards and tigers and

bees. Then I remembered I had a teddy bear barrette:

and all was well. Except for the selfie taking. The selfie taking is the most time-consuming part of this odyssey so far, but maybe that will get better. How long are we doing this?

Snowballgown time

It’s suddenly very cold here in Los Angeles. It is. I don’t know how to dress for this weather stuff. I have warm stuff, and I have pretty stuff. I don’t have warm pretty stuff. What if I want to go out someplace fancy?

This looks great, but unfortunately it only comes in sizes 00, 0 and 1. Maybe I could squeeze myself into the puffer cape.


Now maybe some of these sleeping bag shoes as well

and maybe I’ll be okay. I’m ready for your party invitations, folks!

I scream for a new outfit

It’s hot. I’m not thinking straight. I’m looking for ice cream shoes.

No, not those. It’s too hot for those. Maybe a flat.

Maybe. Or a sandal?

Well, darn it. Those look too small. Grr. Forget it. Maybe I need to cool my head down a little bit.

Oh gosh. They even have bubblegum flavor. Now where’s my wallet?

Images via Shoe Bakery, Etsy, and Zappos. Follow links for details

Advanced style

It’s been a while since we’ve had a fashion feature here, so why don’t we ring in the new year with a look at the innate glamour of a creature that has been around since the mid-Paleozoic era but is just receiving fresh attention, thanks to a recent underwater paparazzo? Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new sartorial icon – the feather star:

Her sister crinoid is no slouch in the style department either, with her crimson take on the feather theme:

Ladies, you turn “living fossil” into a compliment.

Sweet feet

I’ve always considered myself more of a pie person than a cake person, but Chris Campbell‘s wedges

and flats

are making me rethink matters. The cherry pie shoes I’ve seen online are clever

but they seem a little dangerous. I could actually run around town in Chris’s Jimmy Chews and not impale anybody.  Maybe a soft lemon meringue would work better…

A retraction

Polly Bergen died over the weekend, and this gave me a little more impetus to scour through my library to try to find my copy of Polly Bergen’s Book of Beauty, Fashion and Charm. Lo and behold, I did indeed find it, and while I was looking for a tidbit in the book to perhaps help with a Polly Bergen tribute post, I discovered that 1) there was very little in the book about charm, other than the ersatz “charm” I was subjected to in charm school (posture, makeup, walking and talking), and 2) in an earlier Polly Bergen post here on Fancy Notions I completely mischaracterized her remedy for sunburn. I must make amends.

Dear readers, Polly Bergen did not recommend applying “the thickest globs of milk of magnesia to your skin” to relieve your sunburn and avoid peeling. That is just absurd. She recommended that for shrinking one’s pores. For sunburn, Polly’s solution was to “Mash a few tomatoes into about a cup of buttermilk and spread it on your damaged skin like a paste.” There you have it.

My apologies, Polly and readers, for the error. My additional thanks to Polly for providing the world with this image in her chapter on fashion:

Invisible ladies and invisible hovering poops. Or maybe that’s just an invisible party hat. The guy does look a few sheets to the wind.

Princess Lolli

Ever since I read a couple of books on the history of candy bars in the United States, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to sell regional treats so that Angelenos can get a steady source for Valomilk and Charleston Chews and Goo Goo Clusters. I thought I might get a little vehicle and drive around or set up retrofitted vintage cigarette machines in local knick knack shops, but neither of those options seem commercially viable at the moment. I still really want to do it, though, especially since I found my perfect seller’s uniform:

Look. Seriously.

Maybe I could turn this into some sort of long-term performance art project. Anybody know a good grant writer?