May be covered in mint jelly

If you enjoy deadpan humor and you’re not listening to the Beef & Dairy Network podcast, get thee to some earbuds pronto. Not only is it “the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds,” but it’s one of the few podcasts on the Maximum Fun network not hosted by a member of the McElroy extended family. (Note to Maximum Fun: too many McElroys.)

I bring up the Beef & Dairy Network today because my friend Mara found this lost cat notice that seems to back up the BDN assertion that lamb is a dangerous meat that leads to all sorts of social problems and deviancy:

Bosco would be safe at home now if he weren’t on the lamb. Sure, he looks fine in this photo, but he’s probably unrecognizable by now; he may have moved on to mutton. If you see happen to see any feline who looks to be strung out on kebabs, please call Tom or Geoff.

 

Has a first name, has a second name, has a third name

Apropos of nothing, today I learned that bologna goes by many names in its various guises:

Distant cousins are:

Woof. The loaf variants are starting to gross me out. Let’s not invite them to the next Circle Meat family gathering, okay?

Photo of the Dachshund UN by Craig Bush on Flickr

A shoe (gesundheit)

Benny and I were driving around Burbank the other day when he suddenly told me to drive through an alley around the back of a mini-mall on Hollywood Way. “Look,” he said. Look, I did.

And that’s when I saw a car shaped like a red monkey boot. Not sure why they went with monkey boots as the shape instead of Vans…

Published in: on April 11, 2017 at 5:25 pm  Comments (2)  
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A chance meating

I was digging around on Etsy this morning, looking at resin jewelry to see if my own recent projects compared favorably or not to what was being offered for sale, and I came across this bacon necklace:

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It is quite charmingly described thusly: “My idea was to create necklace which is not typical to wear, I wanted something unusual that would wear only the bravest people! Inner part of the pendant is red cause I wanted to mimic lights above the meat in stores, which is red, to give meat brighter color. This necklace is made from original Croatian bacon salami. I’m very proud to say that Meat Collection is one of my most unusual necklace collections.”

Zeljka the jewelry maker is great. She has also made some dead bee and wasp nest necklaces, and ooh! Cheese. Guys and gals, Valentine’s Day is coming up…

A funny thing happened on the way to the Apocalypse

I recently realized that I didn’t make part two of my “I found this bit of information while searching for some other information” list that I started in July while on a research job. That research job is now complete, and I’d rather think about anything other than the news today, so let’s finish this thing up.

  • There is a photo of Captain Kangaroo at the summit of Mount Everest; his grandson Britton put it there
  • Gary Busey was the last person killed on the TV series Gunsmoke
  • Westinghouse made a clothes dryer in the ’50s that played the song “How Dry I Am” when the load was finished
  • Robert Ardrey and Ashley Montagu were well-respected 20th century anthropologists with conflicting theories about the nature of aggression in humans. Ardrey believed aggression was innate, and Montagu believed it was learned. Perhaps less well-known: Ardrey was also a Hollywood screenwriter (credits include The Three Musketeers and Madame Bovary), and Ashley Montagu’s real name was Israel Ehrenberg but as a young man he changed it to “Montague Francis Ashley-Montagu” for some reason
  • There is no music composed by Beethoven (the human) in any of the Beethoven (dog) movies
  • “Stars and Stripes Forever” is only ever played by a circus band as a signal to personnel that a life-threatening emergency is happening and they must evacuate the audience
  • Mark Twain’s childhood hometown of Hannibal, Missouri is also the hometown of the voice of Jiminy Cricket, Cliff Edwards. Edwards died a penniless drug addict three and a half miles away from where I am writing this now
  • Singing trio The Andrews Sisters became estranged from one another in the ’50s, and Patty Andrews’ husband Wally is frequently cited as the reason for the estrangement. After LaVerne died, Patty and Maxene briefly reunited but soon separated again for reasons unknown. Upon Maxene’s death, Patty reportedly became quite distraught and Wally fell down a flight of stairs, breaking both wrists
  • A new species of iguana was discovered on Fiji after herpetologist John Gibbons watched the Brooke Shields film The Blue Lagoon and noticed some unusual specimens lurking in the background
  • 20th century composer Arnold Schoenberg was extremely superstitious and in particular suffered from triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number 13). He died on a Friday the 13th shortly before midnight
  • There is a Scottish variant of “She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain” called “O Ye Cannae Shuive Yer Grannie Aff The Bus.” The song allows for you to shove your uncle Willie, your aunt Maggie, and even your paternal grandmother off the bus, but your maternal grandmother is not to be shoved off the bus
  • All-American kitsch favorite PEZ candy was invented in Austria; PEZ is a shortening of the word “pfefferminz
  • Watch this:

That ruthless but stylish pimp is none other than kindly Gordon from Sesame Street.

 

Fail to the beef

I guess I haven’t been paying as much attention to the decorative food/lunch meat-as-creature world as much as I used to. Last time I checked in, this guy

hampig

was a perfectly reasonable thing you might purchase from, say, the Pahl Gasthaus in Austria (oh whoops; RIP?)… and now it’s on a Tumblr page called “Worst Food Decoration Fails.” This is making me sad.

How judgy a society are we that we deem that ham/pork/sausage pig a failure? Or this noble fish-ship?

fish-ship

And what about Old Pollo MacDonald here?

chickencowboy

Sheesh. I’d better steer clear of these guys lest they mock the President’s Day Breakfast Guy that Benny made for me earlier this year.

breakfastguy

I love you, Breakfast Guy. I love you, Benny. Who cares about these snobs? We are Food Decoration Winners.

Via Johnny Wallflower on Metafilter. Top photo from now-defunct Pahl-Fleischerei website; bottom photo by me. No clue about the other two; Worst Food Decoration Fails doesn’t seem big on attributions. 

If you see Kay, tell her I’m not voting for her

When I was in high school, I wrote a humor column for the school paper. One column was about my not getting accepted to the college of my choice; against my advisor’s judgment, I titled the column “If You See Kay.” My advisor’s point was that I could have gotten away with it without much parental/administrational backlash (people actually read this newspaper, see) if I had bothered to set up a fictional “Kay” in the column, rather than just letting that dumb chestnut of a joke float unmoored in the headline. But I hadn’t bothered, and the paper came out the morning of the day I had a scholarship interview with my second-choice college’s representative… who just happened to be the principal of our high school, who had been fielding obscenity complaints from parents since lunchtime. I did not get that scholarship.

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. My friend Lyman found this impassioned bit of electioneering up in San Francisco this weekend; he directed my attention to the fine print at the bottom. I’m guessing that this anti-Dan Neel committee definitely has meetings on Tuesdays, and could possibly be headed up by my old friend Kay. Good luck against this tarnishment, Dan. Kay can really fuck things up for a person.

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A brief jaunt

Oh hey – I forgot to post photos from me’n’Benny’s recent short trip. Can you guess where we went?


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Something funny happened on the way to the wiki

I was going to wait until the end of this six-month consulting gig to list all the new stray tidbits of information I’ve picked up while doing my work research, but the list was already getting long and weird and I couldn’t tell if any of it was interesting to anybody besides me. So to commemorate the halfway point of this gig, I present to you a relatively short list of the flotsam thus far:

  • Marie Antoinette popularized “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” after she heard a maid singing it.
  • Retta (Donna from Parks & Rec)’s aunt won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2011 and is the president of Liberia
  • The six-note “Charge!” you hear at many sporting events was written in the ’40s by a drum major at USC who was also the football team’s placekicker. When he was called in to kick a field goal, he would run down from the bleachers and make his kick still wearing his drum major hat.
  • In Croatia, the “nanny, nanny, boo boo, ha ha on you-hoo” taunt has different words and is translated as: “Catch me, catch me, (if you do that) I’ll buy you a newspaper. Newspapers are expensive, kiss my tushie.”
  • Andre The Giant played the Sasquatch on the Six Million Dollar Man.
  • John Wayne lost his college football scholarship after getting injured in a bodysurfing mishap.
  • Midnattsloppet is not me drunkenly eating fried chicken in bed but a 10k nighttime race held every August in Stockholm, Sweden
  • Hans J. Salter, the composer who wrote the score for classic monster films Ghost Of Frankenstein, House Of Frankenstein, and Son Of Dracula studied composition under Alban Berg of the Second Viennese School… and
  • Alban Berg died from an insect sting.
  • Vivian Vance (Ethel Mertz from I Love Lucy) was godmother to the Lovin’ Spoonful‘s John Sebastian.

Impress your friends! Bore your loved ones! More tidbits to come unless I drown in this stuff.

Innovations in plumbing

For a minute I thought that maybe Cooper Papin was a new rom-com star or celebrity chef, but Google said I was mistaken.

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Published in: on March 3, 2016 at 4:10 pm  Comments (1)  
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