And the rest, 2017 edition

From my last two posts whooping and hollering about the amazingness of some different lands that we visited, you might get the impression that I don’t appreciate the USA. That would be wrong. I love a place that has this merry-go-round sign for a Chinese restaurant

and this giant polar bear casino

and this crazy pastime

and this sign

and this fish ladder

and so much more that there’s no way I can include even just the best stuff from a four-state road trip in one post. I love you, USA. This isn’t a popularity contest. Chill out.

Fraud and country

Benny and I have been a little out of contact with the rest of the world this week, as we were traveling to a remote country on our way to the eclipse. We were very excited to visit the micronation Republic of Molossia

and were charmed by the benevolent dictatorship greeting us at our arrival,

but there were a few hairy moments when we realized that the catfish ban in the country had been enacted because of a feud with some noodling folks where Benny hails from. We hoped they would not Okie-profile us.


They didn’t. We got in.

One of the first things we toured was their energy infrastructure, which seemed rock solid.


We were also taken to their war monument, which made us wonder a little bit about the volatility of the place, but we were assured that we were safe.

Alas, their transportation system suffered a major disaster during our visit. I personally think the kid in the baseball hat performed some sort of sabotage, but the chief constable (pictured) seemed less concerned with placing blame than with getting everything back in service.

All in all, it seemed like a very nice place to live. The president even delivered a more eloquent speech last week than our own denouncing intolerance in various guises, and I guess I would be pretty happy living here, but unfortunately their immigration policy is extremely tight and merit-based. This guy got to become a citizen

but apparently we don’t have what it takes. Oh well. I guess we’ll stay in the USA.

Kyle Basa

Back in high school, I collected Garbage Pail Kids cards. GPK cards had gross pictures of not-cute monstrous Cabbage Patch-style kids with rhyming or alliterative or corny joke names. A kid eating his own mucous was Snotty Scotty. A head being preserved in a jar was Formalde Heidi. Most of the kids also had a twin, which was a card with the same image but a different name. Formalde Heidi’s twin was Decapitated Hedy.

Anyway, most of these names made sense in their own way, and I enjoyed most of them, but there was one I could not abide, and that was Hot Doug’s twin Fran Furter. FRAN Furter? How could you think of Fran Furter and not go to Frank Furter? Who was responsible for this?

Then I went back and checked out GPK Series 1 and 2 cards and found Furry Fran, Schizo Fran and… Fran Fran. I guess there was a GPK artist with a thing for the name Fran.

This story doesn’t really have a resolution, but that makes it perfect for today’s cartoon, which also doesn’t really have a resolution. It features hot dogs, at least for a while.

 

I scream for a new outfit

It’s hot. I’m not thinking straight. I’m looking for ice cream shoes.

No, not those. It’s too hot for those. Maybe a flat.

Maybe. Or a sandal?

Well, darn it. Those look too small. Grr. Forget it. Maybe I need to cool my head down a little bit.

Oh gosh. They even have bubblegum flavor. Now where’s my wallet?

Images via Shoe Bakery, Etsy, and Zappos. Follow links for details

May be covered in mint jelly

If you enjoy deadpan humor and you’re not listening to the Beef & Dairy Network podcast, get thee to some earbuds pronto. Not only is it “the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds,” but it’s one of the few podcasts on the Maximum Fun network not hosted by a member of the McElroy extended family. (Note to Maximum Fun: too many McElroys.)

I bring up the Beef & Dairy Network today because my friend Mara found this lost cat notice that seems to back up the BDN assertion that lamb is a dangerous meat that leads to all sorts of social problems and deviancy:

Bosco would be safe at home now if he weren’t on the lamb. Sure, he looks fine in this photo, but he’s probably unrecognizable by now; he may have moved on to mutton. If you see happen to see any feline who looks to be strung out on kebabs, please call Tom or Geoff.

 

Has a first name, has a second name, has a third name

Apropos of nothing, today I learned that bologna goes by many names in its various guises:

Distant cousins are:

Woof. The loaf variants are starting to gross me out. Let’s not invite them to the next Circle Meat family gathering, okay?

Photo of the Dachshund UN by Craig Bush on Flickr

A shoe (gesundheit)

Benny and I were driving around Burbank the other day when he suddenly told me to drive through an alley around the back of a mini-mall on Hollywood Way. “Look,” he said. Look, I did.

And that’s when I saw a car shaped like a red monkey boot. Not sure why they went with monkey boots as the shape instead of Vans…

Published in: on April 11, 2017 at 5:25 pm  Comments (2)  
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A chance meating

I was digging around on Etsy this morning, looking at resin jewelry to see if my own recent projects compared favorably or not to what was being offered for sale, and I came across this bacon necklace:

baconnecklace

It is quite charmingly described thusly: “My idea was to create necklace which is not typical to wear, I wanted something unusual that would wear only the bravest people! Inner part of the pendant is red cause I wanted to mimic lights above the meat in stores, which is red, to give meat brighter color. This necklace is made from original Croatian bacon salami. I’m very proud to say that Meat Collection is one of my most unusual necklace collections.”

Zeljka the jewelry maker is great. She has also made some dead bee and wasp nest necklaces, and ooh! Cheese. Guys and gals, Valentine’s Day is coming up…

A funny thing happened on the way to the Apocalypse

I recently realized that I didn’t make part two of my “I found this bit of information while searching for some other information” list that I started in July while on a research job. That research job is now complete, and I’d rather think about anything other than the news today, so let’s finish this thing up.

  • There is a photo of Captain Kangaroo at the summit of Mount Everest; his grandson Britton put it there
  • Gary Busey was the last person killed on the TV series Gunsmoke
  • Westinghouse made a clothes dryer in the ’50s that played the song “How Dry I Am” when the load was finished
  • Robert Ardrey and Ashley Montagu were well-respected 20th century anthropologists with conflicting theories about the nature of aggression in humans. Ardrey believed aggression was innate, and Montagu believed it was learned. Perhaps less well-known: Ardrey was also a Hollywood screenwriter (credits include The Three Musketeers and Madame Bovary), and Ashley Montagu’s real name was Israel Ehrenberg but as a young man he changed it to “Montague Francis Ashley-Montagu” for some reason
  • There is no music composed by Beethoven (the human) in any of the Beethoven (dog) movies
  • “Stars and Stripes Forever” is only ever played by a circus band as a signal to personnel that a life-threatening emergency is happening and they must evacuate the audience
  • Mark Twain’s childhood hometown of Hannibal, Missouri is also the hometown of the voice of Jiminy Cricket, Cliff Edwards. Edwards died a penniless drug addict three and a half miles away from where I am writing this now
  • Singing trio The Andrews Sisters became estranged from one another in the ’50s, and Patty Andrews’ husband Wally is frequently cited as the reason for the estrangement. After LaVerne died, Patty and Maxene briefly reunited but soon separated again for reasons unknown. Upon Maxene’s death, Patty reportedly became quite distraught and Wally fell down a flight of stairs, breaking both wrists
  • A new species of iguana was discovered on Fiji after herpetologist John Gibbons watched the Brooke Shields film The Blue Lagoon and noticed some unusual specimens lurking in the background
  • 20th century composer Arnold Schoenberg was extremely superstitious and in particular suffered from triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number 13). He died on a Friday the 13th shortly before midnight
  • There is a Scottish variant of “She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain” called “O Ye Cannae Shuive Yer Grannie Aff The Bus.” The song allows for you to shove your uncle Willie, your aunt Maggie, and even your paternal grandmother off the bus, but your maternal grandmother is not to be shoved off the bus
  • All-American kitsch favorite PEZ candy was invented in Austria; PEZ is a shortening of the word “pfefferminz
  • Watch this:

That ruthless but stylish pimp is none other than kindly Gordon from Sesame Street.

 

Fail to the beef

I guess I haven’t been paying as much attention to the decorative food/lunch meat-as-creature world as much as I used to. Last time I checked in, this guy

hampig

was a perfectly reasonable thing you might purchase from, say, the Pahl Gasthaus in Austria (oh whoops; RIP?)… and now it’s on a Tumblr page called “Worst Food Decoration Fails.” This is making me sad.

How judgy a society are we that we deem that ham/pork/sausage pig a failure? Or this noble fish-ship?

fish-ship

And what about Old Pollo MacDonald here?

chickencowboy

Sheesh. I’d better steer clear of these guys lest they mock the President’s Day Breakfast Guy that Benny made for me earlier this year.

breakfastguy

I love you, Breakfast Guy. I love you, Benny. Who cares about these snobs? We are Food Decoration Winners.

Via Johnny Wallflower on Metafilter. Top photo from now-defunct Pahl-Fleischerei website; bottom photo by me. No clue about the other two; Worst Food Decoration Fails doesn’t seem big on attributions. 
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