Word of the day for Monday, March 14th

Today is Fancy Notions’ 14th birthday, which means it’s ready for high school. All I can say about that is

zooterkins! Which I’m told means “blimey,” “cripes” or “zounds,” none of which sound especially celebratory (especially considering the latter derives from “God’s wounds”). And maybe that’s appropriate. I can’t help thinking about how my little baby blog is going to be able to drive in a couple of years, and before too long it’s going to move out and get its own place. They grow up so fast, don’t they?

Published in: on March 14, 2022 at 4:55 pm  Comments (1)  
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’tis but thy name that is mine enemy

I’ve been trying to eat salads every day but it’s been getting so boring. I was sitting on the floor of the kitchen in defeat the other night when my eyes came across a couple of vintage cookbooks, in particular one salad cookbook by the Culinary Arts Institute from 1953 and one by Better Homes & Gardens from 1958.

Maybe these are the answer, I said as I cracked them open.

Maybe these are the answer, I said as I melted into the linoleum…

Ready for battledore

Sometimes when I’m feeling helpless about the world we’re in, I think about how things would be on my own planet. It’s kind of a useless exercise because I will never have my own planet and even if something extraordinary were to happen and I did somehow get my own planet, I would find it too annoying to be in charge of everything. Still, it’s nice to think about sometimes when I’m feeling helpless about the world we’re in.

Today, I decided upon the uniform and weapons for my army thanks to an old ping pong set Benny found. What do you think?

If the croquet mallet and shuffleboard cue are inadequate to fend off alien invaders, we can simply propel the soldiers at them, badminton-style. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with this soldier’s mouth, but he looks like he knows what he’s doing so I’m going to leave him alone on that. A mighty foe, no?

Published in: on January 26, 2022 at 3:53 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Don’t look now

I was taking a walk the other day along the canals of Venice

admiring the chateaux

and whatnot

when I turned a corner and suddenly spied an unusual building.

Unusual and a bit… sinister?

Yes, definitely a bit sinister.

I decided I should probably turn around the way I came, but just then a flash appeared and something that looked an awful lot like an archangel – is that Uriel? Azrael? – alit on the roof, sword aloft.

I tried to run, but things got so dark and strange

that I have no idea how I eventually made my way back to safety. It’s possible that this guy saved me,

but he’s not talking.

Snowy mountain breakdown

Yesterday I stumbled across a – shall we say – rather thorough shot-by-shot analysis of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, and I have to say that it nagged at me a bit. Yes, it reminded me that I would never cut it if I wanted to go and get a film critical studies degree, but on the other hand I kept noticing a blind spot.

If you thought the theories in Room 237 were wild, your mind will boggle at the sheer volume of references noted by this author. The Roadrunner, kitchen safety posters, Nietzsche, Playgirl magazine, Alex Colville, Shakespeare, French doors, the four seasons, Edomite kings, legs of lamb, blackboards, dart boards, lightbulbs, Clint Eastwood, The Flying Dutchman… and yet she misses one.

When talking to the pediatrician early in the movie, Wendy Torrance is wearing not one but two union suits. Two union suits. You know who else wore two union suits? Farmer Al Falfa in this cartoon, that’s who. And I hardly have to tell you what that signifies, right?

Yeah, actually I got nothing either.

Modernisme 90210

I had a little time between work meetings today, and because I’ve always found the fluid designs of Gaudi* to be quite invigorating, I decided to take my lunch break in Barcelona**.

Just amazing to me that he could take something like the exposed roots of a tree situated on a property

and echo it in the lines of the architecture.

With all of the organic elements

one nearly forgets that this is actually a dwelling of some sort.

Until Trash Day, that is.

*much better photos and actual helpful information about The O’Neill House can be found on iamnotastalker.com

**pronounced “bevərli ˈhɪlz”

Motel Heck

Earlier today a friend of Benny’s asked him for some ideas for a fun kids’ Halloween party. Now, you may recall that some time ago I consulted a card file of activities for just such an event. Unfortunately, back then I couldn’t find the master table of contents for the activity instructions and was left somewhat confused about what this one game Peanut Lag was supposed to be, so I wound up giving up on the whole party idea.

Well, at some point later today I finally found the table of contents for the card file, and there are a whole bunch of games here that sound pretty good that weren’t even listed on the plan for Halloween.

By the time I found the table of contents, however, Benny had already come up with his own ideas for activities/refreshments for a fun kids’ Halloween party. This is kind of a PG-rated blog so I might have to edit some of these descriptions from the original, but hopefully you’ll get the idea:

  • Tie a turkey neck to the oldest boy’s bathing suit area. Call him Carl and have him serve drinks to the ladies
  • Cover the hallway floor in ground beef. Cover that with clear plastic and dish soap. Slip-n-Slide!
  • DO NOT HAVE ANY CLOWNS. Enough people already think they need to pretend to be afraid of clowns. Hire a terrifying pony instead
  • Get a bounce house. Write “ORGY DOME” on the side in “fake blood”. (Fake blood is any real blood that isn’t “technically” human)
  • Fear Pong
  • Closet Goose
  • Difficult Cheese. Difficult Cheese is just new labels on cans of orange spray paint. They go next to the “crackers”
  • Lunch Creep
  • Pin The Tail On Heather’s Hot Mom
  • Chicken Bone Challenge
  • Barebottom Hayride
  • Facepainting

Benny’s friend wrote back “thanks” but we haven’t heard anything further. Maybe we need to have our own party.

Crypto current sea

Aw, man. The LA River sucks. I can’t even believe they call it a river. Dumb concrete channel doesn’t even get wet unless it rains, which it never does. I mean, how can it be a river if people can race cars on it? How can it be a river if people film WWI battleground scenes and giant mutant ant attacks in it? Can people ride a boat on it? Can they fish? Is there even any wildlife that lives there? Why do they even bother having bridges over it?

Wait.

What’s that?

Fine. Maybe the LA River doesn’t totally suck.

Thanks for all of your magic, SC Mero!

Hot beef injection

I don’t know how successful this vaccine incentive is going to be. Maybe with chili?

large smiling hot dog in front of pharmacy
Published in: on August 11, 2021 at 5:18 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Last year’s frames, this year’s frames

Before the pandemic, you may recall that I had a recurring worry about an impending war between humans and apes for general control of the planet. And you know, I stopped worrying about that as soon as the pandemic hit. Not only did I have bigger things to worry about, but it felt like the apes relaxed a bit. Maybe they figured we could exterminate ourselves and they could just relax until such time that happened. Maybe it was something else.

However, without the apes to worry about, I noticed other things seemingly conspiring against Benny and me while we were stuck in lockdown. Namely, a lot of our water-based appliances broke down. Faucets. Tubs, both of the bathing and hot category. Washing machine. Dishwasher. I’m not sure what that meant, if it meant anything at all. Eventually we fixed and/or replaced them and whatever that was settled down.

This year, it’s sharp things that are causing problems. Garbage disposal. Food processor. Knife tips breaking off. Also lots of broken glassware and crockery. Hopefully this will settle down as well.

In the meantime, the apes still seem calm. They aren’t using axes. They aren’t stealing kids’ motorbikes. They aren’t hiding in suburban tract housing developments. The worst they seem to be doing is rudely critiquing women’s eyewear. Does this mean anything?

@minorcrimes

So I’m down a pair of sunglasses but up a very good story #monke

♬ original sound – Lola Testu
(sound adds nothing to this video; you might as well mute it)

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