Most of my knowledge of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been gleaned from the television program Laverne & Shirley, and while that program made Milwaukee seem like a (somewhat) interesting place to be with all the wrestling and the beer and the bowling and such, it gave me no indication that it was home to a gang known as Klement’s Famous Racing Sausages™, and further to that, that it was home to beatings and kidnappings associated with said gang.
I should clarify at this point that the sausages were not the perpetrators of these crimes but the victims. Guido The Italian Sausage disappeared earlier this week, but was returned within a day to a bar in the area by some mysterious characters who warned the staff to keep their traps shut, which they understandably found difficult to comply with. From article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:
‘”Like I didn’t just see two guys plop a sausage on a bar stool,” Mohney said.’
More upsetting to me than this recent kidnapping, however, was an earlier sausage-beating incident described in the article. In the summer of 2003 during a sausage race, Guido (Guido, why is it always you?) was whacked with a baseball bat by Randall Simon from the Pittsburgh Pirates, causing a collision with Frank The Hot Dog. Adding insult to actual injury was the fact that Simon was only fined $432 and suspended for three games. My punishment would have at minimum required him to wear a ’70s-era Pirates uniform while being pelted with kraut and mustard, with perhaps a trade to ’70s-era Houston Astros for good measure.