Soft and sweet

I’ve got it – the answer to my and Benny’s job woes. We are going to quit our jobs and make a zillion dollars by marketing a doll that is both slutty and scary. It’s a sure bet. Little girls are only interested in dolls that are slutty or scary, but try as I might, I can’t come up with one example of a doll currently on the market that is both slutty and scary. To wit:

  • Bradley dolls: My mom was so vocal in her disgust of these big-eyed dolls that I found myself saying I hated them too, even though I secretly coveted them. A sympathetic friend finally got me one in high school, and that’s when I realized that Bradley dolls weren’t just ladies with fancy oldentimes dresses, they were 19th century prostitutes.
  • Baby Alive: I see that Baby Alive is still alive and more gross than ever. Not only does she need to have her diaper changed (when I was a kid, if you fed her the prepackaged “banana” mush, she’d shit yellow mucus), but now you also need to give her medicine and administer a neti pot to remove snot. Next year maybe she can get hives.
  • Bratz: The Bratz never cease to amaze me. They actually have a slutty infant line of dolls. I think the name “Sticky Face Fun Fair Cloe” speaks for itself.
  • Tuesday Taylor: Okay, actually Tuesday Taylor is kind of both slutty and scary. When I was a kid, however, the Suntan Tuesday Taylor doll always struck me as low class and unclean. I think today I would classify her look as “has crabs.” Slutty wins.
  • Charmin Chatty:  She says proverbs. Also encourages her owner to say, “I’m a pig.”
  • Growing Up Skipper: I had one of these when I was a kid, so I was going to say she fell into the slutty category, but now that I see those mosquito bites I’m not so sure (not that big boobs necessarily = slutty). She might be the crossover in the Venn diagram of slutty and scary.

Okay. I think if we combine Growing Up Skipper with some sort of maniacal laughing homunculus, we’ll have a bona fide hit on our hands. Hmm. I’ve got to sleep on that idea a little. Sweet dreams.

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. At 1:46 in the Tuesday Taylor ad there is a rather obvious erect penis reflected in Tuesday’s mirror. Maybe it belongs to that guy who came over to check out her cool fireplace. Maybe that’s why his legs were crossed in the previous scene.

  2. Sunshine Family


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