I was pretty excited when I started perusing the archives for the now-defunct blog Cooking For Losers this morning. It was a community blog, so the recipes ran the gamut. You had something like:
take a whole wheat tortilla. spread half with plain cream cheese and the other half with hummus. drop some cucumber and yellow bell pepper in it.
fold in half. cut in two.
do that all over again.
pack in a ziploc thingy.
add orange, granola bar, and yogurt to the lunchbox.
top with ice packs and close
forget lunchbox at home.
and then the next entry was:
Drink very dark beer and eat Whoppers™ or some other quality malted milk ball product.
There were a lot of recipes for stoned people:
open bag of sterzing’s potato chips
open jar of applesauce
dip chips in applesauce
do not attempt this recipe with any other brand of potato chips. this is very important.
but also for overwhelmed parents:
2 packets Lipton Cheddar Broccoli Rice for Losers
1 packet hot dogs
Put the amount of water it says on the packets in a pot. Realize the packet calls for butter, which you do not have due to a tragic Act of SevenYearOld. Realize the measuring spoons are dirty and there’s no hot water, due to hosing off the SevenYearOld after the butter incident. Add a random splash of oil and call it good enough. Cut the hot dogs into the oily watery faux-cheesy rice crap, put a lid over it and run to haul the kid away from where he’s attempting to pull one of the hard drives out of the computer. Pull the cheesy broccoli rice hot dog casserole off the stove when you start to smell burning. Tend to where you burned yourself trying to keep the child from thrusting his hand into lava hot casserole. Feed the child and count the minutes until the little snot will fall asleep so that you can ferret through your kitchen to see if you have anything alcoholic on the shelves. Think that people who hate children might have a point.
Even the asshole at work who eats other people’s lunches made a contribution:
Dinner at the office
Must be between 9pm and 11pm
20 sugar packets
1 cup of terrible office coffee
15 mints from the secretary’s jar down the hall who went home 4 hours ago and will never find out
Miscellaneous foods left in office refrigerator.
Drink terrible (but free!) office coffee quickly. Eat sugar packets to erase the taste. Eat mints, 5 at a time, until nausea sets in. Then peruse the office fridge for food items that have been left and eat everything you can find. Laugh heartily.
But then I noticed that an awful lot of the recipes required planning and effort. Skill. Sauteeing. Overnight marinating. Homemade enchilada sauce. The recipe for Beef Strokin’ Off involved mincing fresh garlic. The unemployed person with a recipe woke up at 7:45 am. The instructions for making fish sticks while doing laundry showed a proper level of loserness when it explained that the tartar sauce in your fridge was years beyond its expiration date, but it suggested that you add dill weed to mayonnaise as a substitute sauce instead of just using mayonnaise. And really, if these people were true losers, they would not have real mayonnaise in the first place; they would be using Miracle Whip. These people weren’t losers; they were fancy.
Some weeks I can’t be bothered to go to the store or wash the dishes so every meal is just something spread on a tortilla and wrapped up. Hummus. Cream cheese. Peanut butter. Regular butter. No heating up, no adding spices; just wrap it up and go. So if these people really were losers like they said, what am I?
But then, I remembered: their website has been dead since January 2005, except for the ad for hoodia that was added in 2007. Permanent links to their individual posts don’t even work any more. I am still here and they are dead. Ha ha. Losers.
Photo by amy b on Flickr