Talk Like A Pirate Day is less than two months away, and I’m already dreading it. People just walking around saying, “Arrrrrr” and “Avast, matey” … and that’s about it. Did pirates really not say anything other than “Arrr” and “Avast, matey”?
I bet they said a lot more than that, but it seems that modern wannabe pirates are exceptionally lazy. Even the official Talk Like A Pirate Day website only provides twelve pirate phrases, and that’s when you count “aye” and “aye aye” as two separate phrases. I would say that this holiday has jumped the shark, but that implies jumping, and that seems like something much too strenuous for these boobs.
Maybe we should open this up. Forget just pirates. How about Talk Like A Sailor Day? You could get a group of old salts in a rap battle with a gang of tiny coxswains. Christopher Cross in a dance-off with Gene Kelly from On The Town. I like this idea.
If you’re on board with this concept, you’ll want to start studying up. This holiday is not going to accept any old yahoo going, “Grog this, grog that.” Here, I’ll start you off with a good one:
Kidleywink. It’s not a juvenile game of tiddleywinks (which seems redundant anyway). It’s an unlicensed beer bar frequented by low individuals. And in my book that’s as good a place as any to spend Talk Like A Sailor Day.