What do you call a camel with three humps?

“There’s a place in France
Where the ladies wear no pants…”

What is the actual name of that song? “Egyptian Melody”? “Arabian Song”? “Camel Dance”? Benny is also finding alternate lyrics:

“On the planet Mars
All the women smoke cigars…”

Hm. Anyway, watch the women in this cartoon. They are wearing pants and not smoking cigars.

Etiquette & superstition: doves

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Once there was a dove who nested in a plant hanging from Smoothie’s porch next door. The plant was pretty high up but if you went up on your tiptoes you could see this one big quiet eye staring at you. It sounds scary but it wasn’t. It was nice.

ETIQUETTE: If you’re not a human but rather a male dove, you are probably preoccupied with finding a mate. When you have found a female dove who sparks your interest, the first thing you should do is fly around her in a circle with your head down. When you land in her vicinity, make sure to bob your head and stick your chest out while you make a lot of noise. If she shows interest, she will approach you and start to preen herself, signaling you to proceed with nibbling her around the neck. She will reciprocate. Next, you will grasp each other’s beaks and bob your heads in unison. At this point, you may commence with the loving. And now you’ve done it – you are joined for life. Congratulations.

SUPERSTITION: A dove is the only bird whose soul cannot be entered by the devil. A dove visiting a sick person is a portent of death, but also of everlasting peace to the soon-to-be departed’s soul. If you perch a dove on a coffin and it flies away in a southerly direction, it means the person in the coffin has gone to heaven with love in his heart.

Photo by Zach Armstrong via Flickr

Trigger warning

Maybe that’s just laughing gas.

Positive body image

My friend Taylor shared this gem of a flyer with me recently. It’s almost like an old riot grrrl poem.

“… answers to ‘KHAN’ and ‘FATTY GIRL.” “Hates dogs and being called ‘Fatty Girl’.”

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Oh, Khan. Your owners are just teasing you. They also say you are voluptuous and sweet. Maybe you’re not a riot grrrl. With your orange and white coloring, you sound like the feline version of ’60s pin-up Hilda:

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Embrace those curves! I’m sure they have lots of Trader Joe’s Tuna For Cats waiting for you at home.

Hilda image via ToilGirls.com

Screwy nuts

Does anybody have a lead on where I can get a bunch of dentures for free or cheap? I want to make a scary nut machine like the one in this cartoon.

Serious business

I’m pretty happy to have this new temporary job, and I am not going to let this new temp job sap my brain and my energy and keep me from posting like the other one did last summer. I am not going to let it do that.

But forgive me if I take a few days/weeks to get back into the swing of things. Here is a monkey on his way to work, commuting on a goat. You can pretend the monkey is me if you want to.

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gif by katbell on giphy; most of her other stuff seems to be about poodles and that White Girls movie so maybe somebody else made this and she just posted it. I don’t know.  
Published in: on April 13, 2016 at 6:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Spreadin’ honey

Grasshoppers aren’t known for their awesome food-sharing skills, but hopefully they will remember the kindness of the bees here the next time Colony Collapse Disorder rolls through town.

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs, guys.

Etiquette & superstition: laundry

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I’m not going to get all cutesy with this topic and make the etiquette part of the post about airing one’s dirty laundry in public or on social media (same thing), because I think it’s a little too obvious and it’s just common sense anyway. You don’t always have to show a sunny face to the world at large, but as countless memes will remind you, Facebook is neither your therapist nor your diary. But you knew that already. Let’s talk about real laundry instead.

ETIQUETTE: Oh, the shared laundry machine. Whether you’re at a coin laundromat or using the facilities in the basement of your apartment building, sooner or later you are going to come across unattended laundry that is left sitting in a washing machine or dryer long after the machine has done its thing. And you need to do your laundry, and there are no other machines available. Is it rude to take the clothes out of the machine so that you may use it?

No. No, it’s not. Provided you deposit the laundry in a clean area (a spare basket or the top of the machine, for instance), everybody in America seems to be on board with taking the clothes out if you have waited a reasonable amount of time for the owner of the clothes to retrieve them. Let’s say 15-30 minutes after the wash or dry cycle has finished. If you are transferring someone else’s clothes out of a washer, don’t throw the load into a dryer and start the dryer thinking you are being a good samaritan. Some of those clothes might be line dry only… and now you’re not a good samaritan, you’re the jerk who shrank your neighbor’s merino sweater.

SUPERSTITION: If you wash a new article of clothing during a new moon, the clothes will never fit right. And if you wash clothes on New Year’s Day, someone in your family will die soon. The day of the week that you do your laundry also has some effect either on the outcome of that laundry or your general nature. I’m just going to quote directly from the Radfords’ Encyclopedia of Superstition for this one:

“‘They that wash on Monday, have the whole week to dry.
They that wash on Tuesday, are not so much arye.
They that wash on Wednesday, may get their clothes clean.
They that wash on Thursday, are not so much to mean.
They that wash on Friday, wash for their need.
But they that wash on Saturday, are clarty-paps indeed.’

NOTE: Clarty-paps means dirty sluts.” Duly noted.

Photo from Reeve Photograph Collection via National Museum of Health and Medicine on Flickr

Hot punch

I know it’s too early to start planning a Halloween party but my friend Chuckles and I were looking through the File o Fun this weekend and I started getting excited. The File o Fun is a card file of activities that Chuckles found at her work, and it has all sort of suggestions for making parties and dances less boring. There are games like Potato Knockout and Lemon Dance, skits to perform, suggestions for a really good blindfold, and instructions about when you should and should not award prizes at your party. The File o Fun seems like something Amy Sedaris would own and use often, much to the chagrin of her friends. Our version is from 1970 but it looks like there is a newer edition available on Amazon.

Something I didn’t notice before this weekend in the File of Fun was the section devoted to “detailed party plans.” These plans fold out into full-sized pieces of paper, and while most of them look good enough to print onto a t-shirt, there is one that stands out – the Halloween Family Night.

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Yes, that may be clown makeup there on the bottom. We’re not talking about that – let’s look at the actual activities.

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Peanut Lag! Apple Biting! Jail! And then there’s the Danger Corner:

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This party sounds awesome. As soon as I determine what the Peanut Lag is, I’m going to try to put this shindig together. Google isn’t helping me and the File o Fun doesn’t have a master table of contents, so it may take me until October to figure this out.

Lady in cement

If you google “cement selfie,” right now you get results like this:

That’s kind of amusing, but I wish there were at least one result for this squinting but lovely behemoth looming over Riverside Drive next to the 5 freeway:

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Maybe we can help that along?

Published in: on March 29, 2016 at 2:48 pm  Leave a Comment  
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