If you see Kay, tell her I’m not voting for her

When I was in high school, I wrote a humor column for the school paper. One column was about my not getting accepted to the college of my choice; against my advisor’s judgment, I titled the column “If You See Kay.” My advisor’s point was that I could have gotten away with it without much parental/administrational backlash (people actually read this newspaper, see) if I had bothered to set up a fictional “Kay” in the column, rather than just letting that dumb chestnut of a joke float unmoored in the headline. But I hadn’t bothered, and the paper came out the morning of the day I had a scholarship interview with my second-choice college’s representative… who just happened to be the principal of our high school, who had been fielding obscenity complaints from parents since lunchtime. I did not get that scholarship.

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. My friend Lyman found this impassioned bit of electioneering up in San Francisco this weekend; he directed my attention to the fine print at the bottom. I’m guessing that this anti-Dan Neel committee definitely has meetings on Tuesdays, and could possibly be headed up by my old friend Kay. Good luck against this tarnishment, Dan. Kay can really fuck things up for a person.

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No shit

(erases joke about cat being pursued by the hound of the Baskervilles)
(erases joke about cat being found at 221B Baker Street)
(erases joke about cat going to score some blow)
(gives up)

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Published in: on September 22, 2016 at 4:46 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Etiquette & superstition: parsley

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I’ve been somewhat lax in posting lately; I confess that I find it difficult to write in a lighthearted tone when I feel like punching people in the throat. I believe there are 48 days until the 2016 presidential election. Hopefully I will be able to maintain a cooler head in the days to come so that we all may continue enjoying our Fancy Notions. Let’s talk about parsley

ETIQUETTE: Parsley is used as a garnish for a savory food dish; it should not decorate a dessert plate. This sturdy sprig is perfectly acceptable to eat and in fact will help overcome strong mouth odors you may have acquired from consuming a pungent meal. Simply pick up the sprig with your fingers (no need to be overly daintly with a fork unless it is covered in sauce for some reason), and chew well before swallowing.

If you are dining with a companion who has parsley stuck in his or her teeth, let them know in an unobtrusive manner as quickly as possible. If you are the person with the parsley tooth, and your first couple of attempts to swish or wipe the leaf away are not successful, excuse yourself from the table and attend to the matter yourself in the restroom. Your partner’s attempts to pantomime the exact location of the bit are clearly not helping and you both look ridiculous.

SUPERSTITION: A wreath of parsley worn around the neck will prevent intoxication. How you get this parsley, however, is a bit trickier. People don’t give parsley to others unless they want a heap of bad luck. You’re going to have to grow it yourself. If you’re a woman in charge of planting the parsley, be advised this you might get pregnant by doing so. More on this later; moving on.

Plant the parsley in the place you intend it to stay, because transplanting it will kill someone in the household within the year. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t sprout right away; only very wicked people seem to have luck growing it. Oh hey, are you a woman who is worried that she got pregnant when she planted parsley? Stick some sprigs in your vagina and you’ll get your period soon enough.

Photo by Peter Lindberg via Flickr

Parks and wrecks

I was reading a story about some problems Milwaukee’s Lake Park is having with too many Pokemon Go players invading the park. The story focused on a neighborhood association meeting scheduled to address the problems, and it featured a child wearing a top hat and Ghostbusters t-shirt sobbing copiously during his advocacy speech. So, it was a typical neighborhood association meeting.

This started me thinking about what we used to do in the park as kids. Depending on our age, it was either drinking, inadvertently finding older kids’ drugs in the bushes, or skating around screaming while pretending that the guy minding his own business on the grass was actually trying to chase us with his pants down.

I say embrace Pokemon Go, park people. Who knows what the kid in the top hat and Ghostbusters shirt will do if left to his own non-electronic devices?

 

Bored of education

I know kids go back to school before Labor Day nowadays, but this weekend will always feel like that last hurrah before getting down to business. The sleepless night just before going back, worrying that I forgot how to write over the summer, not feeling smart enough for the next grade, fretting about what outfit to wear…. Tell me it wasn’t just me. These birds seem to have none of that.

Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woof?

I know this notice has a lot of info like “notched right ear,” “timid,” “sweet”… but all I saw was the dark hair and the phrases “pleasantly plump” and “can appear to be feral.”

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And now I can’t help thinking Elizabeth Taylor is running loose in the neighborhood.

Go home and get some sleep, Agatha. Your games are upsetting everyone.

Fizzle and Tootso

I was looking at the filmography of Thunderbirds Are GO creator Gerry Anderson, and came across The Adventures Of Twizzle, which was described on IMDB thusly: “The adventures of a male doll who is able to extend his legs and arms.” That didn’t sound like much of a winner, but it ran for fifty-two episodes and apparently had its fans, if I am to take seekingred’s comment of “BRING BACK TWIZZLE… TWIZZLE RULES” seriously. And then there’s another commenter who claims to have an entire Twizzle room in his/her house filled with Twizzle memorabilia. Hm. Maybe we should take a look at the only surviving episode.

I’m not sold.

A brief jaunt

Oh hey – I forgot to post photos from me’n’Benny’s recent short trip. Can you guess where we went?


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She knocks me out

Wow. Initially I was just going to post the second cartoon here, but when researching it I saw that it was marked as possibly using footage from this first cartoon here THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST WATCH:

That was pretty racy, no? I guess it was so racy that they decided to re-use a lot of the elements in a toned-down version with a different story in this one eight years later:

If anybody asks you about the Hays Code that the motion picture industry agreed to adhere to in the middle third of the last century, you can point them to these two cartoons. Note that the depictions of bare butts and guns are removed, but a sort of Electra complex thing springs up in the “safe” cartoon which is a-okay. Because of the confusing scene at the beginning between himself and his daughter, I was so very, very relieved that Dad here didn’t fight the young suitor for the chance to be beat up.

So thanks, Will Hays and Joseph Breen and all you weird screwed up prudes. Without you, I might never have seen a giant bird try to feed an elephant to her babies.

Tootsy wootsy

I guess I should have posted this cartoon closer to June 21st, but better late than never. As with last week’s cartoon, this one features a turtle with a  souped-up shell. There’s also the old favorite “running through a door making a hole shaped like someone with their arms flailing about,” a sing-along and some skunk fun. Enjoy.

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