Fancy notions #9

Oh boy, it’s Labor Day. And you know what that means? It’s back to school time. Nobody knows better than I do that you need to make a good impression on your first day of school, so choosing your back to school outfit is very important. Choosing even the wrong accessories can mean that you’re stuck hanging out with these square lame-os:

instead of getting into Studio 54 and blowing rails with Andy Warhol like these awesome girls:

I’m serious. That one in the apple jumper is totally connected. She’s going to get in media fights with Tom Cruise about drugs and everything.

So anyway, if you want to hang out with her and her friends, what are you going to do? The answer is easy: don’t just go back to school, goth back to school. Goth is hotter than ever. I know, because I heard “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” today when I was sitting in the lobby of a Honda dealership. Hot. So, you know, it’s everywhere. And everywhere is where you want to be.

And I’m here to help. Just write in to me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com in order to qualify for the following goth notions starter kit:

If you win, ask Mom to trim your new pantsuits and jumpers with your new notions, and you are set. The colors didn’t come out really well in my photo above, but rest assured, you are getting:

• 36 1/2 inches of black cyberpunk satin ribbon
• 57 1/2 inches of slutty goth (is that sloth? glut?) crochet-style lace
• 34 inches of royal dominatrix purple ribbon
• 18 inches of Victorian steampunk black velvet ribbon
• a full 111 inches of burgundy wine like the color of my one true love’s clotted blood grosgrain ribbon

Write in; I will send the notions to the first or most sincere person who sends me an email. Good luck!

Fur curtains

Our refrigerator unexpectedly crapped out on us this week, so Benny and I have been sitting around miserably watching our food rot shopping for a new fridge. It’s really hard to buy a new refrigerator these days if you live in an old house like we do; the new SUV-style refrigerators are too wide to fit into the cut-out space in the kitchen meant to house the fridge.

It’s also hard to buy a new refrigerator no matter what house you live in if you’re shopping with me. The problem is that I get too distracted in places like Sears; not only is Sears the home of the trusted Kenmore line of appliances, but also the home of these fabulous items:

Just look at “F” up there. Fur curtains. Made by Monsanto. Jesus crackers, those are incredible. Now, it’s true that the above image is from the fall/winter 1976 Sears catalog and not a display I found in any store, but I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you sent in your order form with proper payment, Sears would be able to find that item in a warehouse somewhere and ship them to you Cash On Delivery. And I ask you, who can think of refrigerators when somebody’s shoving fur curtains in your face?