Oh boy, it’s Labor Day. And you know what that means? It’s back to school time. Nobody knows better than I do that you need to make a good impression on your first day of school, so choosing your back to school outfit is very important. Choosing even the wrong accessories can mean that you’re stuck hanging out with these square lame-os:
instead of getting into Studio 54 and blowing rails with Andy Warhol like these awesome girls:
I’m serious. That one in the apple jumper is totally connected. She’s going to get in media fights with Tom Cruise about drugs and everything.
So anyway, if you want to hang out with her and her friends, what are you going to do? The answer is easy: don’t just go back to school, goth back to school. Goth is hotter than ever. I know, because I heard “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” today when I was sitting in the lobby of a Honda dealership. Hot. So, you know, it’s everywhere. And everywhere is where you want to be.
And I’m here to help. Just write in to me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com in order to qualify for the following goth notions starter kit:
If you win, ask Mom to trim your new pantsuits and jumpers with your new notions, and you are set. The colors didn’t come out really well in my photo above, but rest assured, you are getting:
- 36 1/2 inches of black cyberpunk satin ribbon
- 57 1/2 inches of slutty goth (is that sloth? glut?) crochet-style lace
- 34 inches of royal dominatrix purple ribbon
- 18 inches of Victorian steampunk black velvet ribbon
- a full 111 inches of burgundy wine like the color of my one true love’s clotted blood grosgrain ribbon
Write in; I will send the notions to the first or most sincere person who sends me an email. Good luck!