According to Ms. Butor (from her new autobiography), as a youth she had to compete with a pet chimpanzee named Pépée for her mother’s and stepfather’s attention. And this wasn’t just some “My dad loves this smart-ass scary wooden puppet better than me” Candice Bergen/Charlie McCarthy rivalry; judging by the news that Candice is making a biopic of her father from the point of view of Charlie, it seems that those two seem to have buried the hatchet, so to speak. No, this was some cut-throat competition, and it ended very badly. Pépée attacked houseguests and ripped off their clothes. She stole jewelry. She once kidnapped a baby and dragged it up to the roof of the chateau. And still, Pépée was the one who got to drive the car. Pépée.

At some point, Léo himself realized shit was crazy and he moved out of the chateau… by himself. Annie and her mother Madelaine had to deal with Pépée on their own. Following Léo’s departure, Pépée had a very serious fall (I’m thinking some sort of drunken William Holden-esque headfirst crash into a  bedside table, but don’t quote me on that) and she refused to let anybody near her to help out. Madelaine finally asked a nearby hunter to shoot Pépée to put her out of her misery… or according to some sources, she just got pissed that Léo abandoned them, and had all the animals at the chateau exterminated.

Anyway, Leo never forgave Madelaine, they got divorced, and he wrote this weepy song about Pépée that as far as I can tell noted that Pépée had ears like Serge Gainsbourg and was so great that Léo didn’t have to drink scotch around her. My french isn’t very good, but I think I got the gist of it.

Ugh. Let’s not talk about these horrible people anymore. Let’s share a song from Nino Ferrer, who as far as I can tell never owned a chimp.

ETIQUETTE: If you have a baby and need to change its diaper while you are at a friend’s house, do not throw a poopy diaper into the bathroom trash can. Instead, ask your host where you should deposit the used diaper. They may be fine with you using the bathroom trash can provided the diaper is well wrapped up, but they may prefer that your little snowflake’s waste matter be deposited into a receptacle located outside. If you do not feel like bringing up the subject with your host, you can always wrap up the diaper in a plastic bag and put it in your diaper bag for later disposal at home.

SUPERSTITION: If a woman is infertile and wishes to bear children, she should take the first poo made by a newborn infant, dry it out, and stick it up her vagina.

Photo by ike4014 on Flickr

This raw food pet diet thing

may be getting out of hand.

I would have gotten this post finished earlier, but there is a dude here wearing a gingham bowtie who keeps trying to get my attention. Oh, now he’s cleaning his feet. Maybe I can finally get this done.

ETIQUETTE: In Eleanor Roosevelt’s Book of Common Sense Etiquette (New York: Macmillan, 1962), Ms. Ellie suggests that a person new to a neighborhood, particularly an urban neighborhood, may use one’s pet dog as an ambassador and acquaintance maker, particularly to other dog owners. Once two pet dogs have become acquainted with one another and find each other agreeable, it is perfectly acceptable for one of the dog owners to extend a social invitation to the other dog owner. At this point, they know that at the very least they have a love of dogs in common. Ms. Roosevelt goes on to explain that walking a dog in public may garner friends even outside of dog-owner circles, as people loitering about parks are frequently interested in dogs and may start up a conversation with the owner. Of course, Mrs. Roosevelt was the widow of the only American president to serve three terms, and the dog she was walking was the beloved Fala (remember this when you are doing a crossword puzzle, folks), so your results may vary from hers. Perhaps you might want to try a bowtie.

SUPERSTITION: If you love dogs, you probably want to try a different cure for whooping cough or the measles than the following: place some strands of hair of the afflicted person between two pieces of bread and feed the sandwich to the dog. This will transfer the disease to the dog. Now your dog has whooping cough or measles. No, I have not yet found a superstition relating to a cure for canine whooping cough or measles, but I am working on it.

(Higher res version can be watched by viewing directly on YouTube, if you’re really into this sort of thing)

Hopefully you’ll have another neighbor who will post helpful signs.

Then again, maybe that sign is referring to the dark nature of the pointy succulent behind the fence, not the neighbors. There seems to be a cactus nearby that has been labelled in much the same way.

(No, I wasn’t about to go up that walkway for a better picture of the sign. Just trust me.) Oh wait – I guess it is the neighbors they are talking about.

Yep, looks like it’s definitely the neighbors who are evil.

But which ones, exactly?

I’m just glad I don’t live in this neighborhood. Oh wait; I’m petsitting across the street next week. This should be interesting.

Ooh yeah, shackaback! No, I have not been a James Brown song. I have been an idle vagabond. This isn’t my life now, but I do think I have to do this for just a little while longer. I will stay in better contact, though. Don’t you dare call me a shackbag.

The last time I checked, my mother owned seven umbrellas. I wonder if having seven umbrellas is good luck or if it’s just a hoarding thing.

ETIQUETTE: There is very scant information in older etiquette books about the proper use of umbrellas, possibly because most of the tips may have once seemed obvious to anyone with common sense. “Why would I need remind anyone that it’s rude to poke someone in the eye with a sharp stick?” but it is 2013, and eh la…, don’t poke someone in the eye with your sharp stick. Don’t use a golf umbrella on busy sidewalks. Don’t shake your wet umbrella out on another person. There is one umbrella etiquette tip that I found to be helpful, however, and not completely obvious: if you are using an umbrella while walking on a sidewalk and approaching another person also using an umbrella, to avoid bumping umbrellas you merely need to determine which of you is taller. The taller person lifts one’s umbrella while passing, and the shorter person ducks theirs.

SUPERSTITION: If there is a person alive who has not heard that it is unlucky to open an umbrella indoors, I’ll eat my umbrella hat. It’s rarely indicated what sort of bad luck will occur – sometimes it’s death in the family, sometimes it’s merely a quarrel, but mostly it’s just “bad luck” – and other superstitions associated with umbrellas similarly have this vague outcome. If you drop your umbrella, don’t pick it up yourself… or you’ll have bad luck. Don’t give an umbrella as a gift… it’s bad luck. There are two specific outcomes I have come across associated with the act of dropping your umbrella, though: 1) you will soon meet a friend; 2) you will lose your mind. I have not been able to determine whether this is an “and” or an “or” situation.

Photo from my Flickr photostream