Last night was the much anticipated finale of Cycle 11 of America’s Next Top Model – anticipated because we couldn’t wait for this trainwreck to end. Tyra can do things nobody else can, and now she has shown us that it is possible for a trainwreck to be boring. We watch The Knife Show and discuss Isis’ free sex change operation while we wait for the show to start. We are going to need a lot of champagne to get through this.
With all the pre-emptions of America’s Next Top Model the past couple of weeks, last night’s viewing party/drinking game of ANTM was a very small affair – just Ross and Benny and I to watch the models as they lurch ever closer to the finale of this lackluster cycle. Ross has brought over some special edition Barack Obama wine, with Obama’s signature replicated on the back. Obama’s signature kind of looks like the Zodiac Killer‘s signature. Hey, wait a minute – did we just elect the Zodiac Killer president? Oh, there’s no time to worry about this right now; Tyra is asking us if we want to be on top. Oh boy, do we!
Today’s fashion post is dedicated to Tyra Banks. Here’s a little thing designed by Tobias Wong that can make your most intimate parts every bit as glamorous as your earlobes and fingers:
Silver pills. You swallow them and your poop sparkles. Yes! Of course, I’m sure Tyra believes that her poop already shines silver; otherwise why would she allow her show to be pre-empted two weeks in a row in Los Angeles by a local team vs. local team basketball game without worrying that she might be alienating ANTM viewers? Yes, Tyra, I’m aware that I could have caught the east coast feed of your program, but only if I have premium cable instead of my basic cable and I’M NOT GOING TO PAY FOR PREMIUM CABLE JUST TO WATCH THE TOP MODELS. I know you probably think I should be directing my anger toward KTLA rather than to you, Tyra and well, maybe you’re right.
Okay, don’t take the silver pills. I don’t want my TyTy turning blue or anything. You don’t need them anyway; your shit probably does sparkle. Just don’t let it happen next week.
As you may be aware, this cycle of America’s Next Top Model is terrible. Nevertheless, I am not only watching it but providing online synopses of the episodes for the education and/or amusement of the general public, and as a byproduct of this, I am providing you with free publicity for your terrible, terrible show. I am not expecting a fruit basket from you for my efforts, or even a case of Gallo wine (though I did receive a case of Gallo wine this week from someone else for merely doing my job).
However, I hope that the next time you see that ANTM is going to be pre-empted in one of the top nationwide television markets, pre-empted not by a half hour political commercial but by a three hour long basketball game between Los Angeles and Los Angeles that nobody could possibly care about, you choose another week to feature your contestants posing like Amsterdam storefront hookers and shaving one another’s vaginas in the communal bathtub? I can’t believe I missed this, and yes, I blame you.
We’re back viewing America’s Next Top Model at our house this week, as Ross has recuperated enough from his surgery to come over, and also his Project Runway parties have concluded. Gort and Benny and Ross and I are here. The first thing I notice is that my snacks are not as good as Ross’, but he has come to the rescue by bringing some sauteed brussels sprouts with bacon. You can always count on Ross.
Some of you faithful Fancy Notions readers may have noticed that I did not do a recap of last night’s America’s Next Top Model episode. This was not done out of laziness, but because last night’s episode was the dreaded episode where they just edit together portions of previous episodes during the cycle. While it’s true that I did provide a synopsis of the equivalent episode last cycle, last cycle’s episode contained previously unaired footage, and this episode seemed to be strictly a “clip” show with no new material. Why do a recap of a recap?
Still, it’s hard to break out of a routine and I realize you may be experiencing some sort of withdrawal symptoms today. Allow me to provide you with the recipe for a Twinkiemobile, the best trash television substitute I’ve found so far.
Pictured above is the Easter-themed Twinkiemobile, though the original recipe notes a gummy bear. You could also use gummy sharks, marshmallow ghosts, a gherkin, whatever you want to see driving a Twinkiemobile. Go nuts.
Twinkiemobile By Erik Phillips
1 Hostess Twinkie
2 pretzel sticks
1 gummy bear
Take a Twinkie and insert a stick pretzel at each end of the Twinkie. Put marshmallows on each end of the pretzels (for the wheels). Place a gummy bear in the middle of the Twinkie (to resemble a driver) and you’re ready for a snack!
Tonight’s America’s Next Top Model viewing party/drinking game is once again at Ross’ home. He has really been able to hone his already excellent hosting skills during his surgery recuperation. Nothing to do all day but argue with a health insurance rep will drive one to make elaborate onion and anchovy tarts with phyllo dough. He is also serving “handheld caesar salad,” which sounded terrifying but is really the most delicious way for one to eat leafy green vegetables. I’d explain further, but here come the models and I don’t even have my drink in hand yet.
Sigh. The Top Models. Wednesday night and we watch The Top Models and drink whenever certain ridiculous things happen on the show. Normally we get pretty giddy by the end of the show. However, something is off with this cycle. I’m not sure what it is other than the fact that Tyra has apparently abandoned the show. I guess that has everything to do with what is wrong this cycle. Most of our drinking rules revolve around Tyra Banks. Tyra, please come back. We’re sorry we called you crazy. We need you. Gort and TeaHat and Benny and Smoothie are all here at Ross’, Tyra. And Ross has made some delicious BLTs. I know you like BLTs.
Last week’s ANTM viewing party/drinking game was held at our house, because when we tried watching it at Ross’ home two weeks ago while he recuperated from surgery, the other well-wishers at his home were too merry and rambunctious to facilitate a proper viewing of the show. But last week’s viewing party at our house just wasn’t the same without Ross.
So after brief discussions about teleconferencing and making one last attempt at creating a Rossbot, we decide that we cannot do without the real live and in person Ross’ witty repartee during the viewing, so we will go to his house. Also, he has better snacks. No news about Gort’s whereabouts, though I have seen some billboards around town indicating that she may have been busy filming a documentary about her life.
Ross has prepared a delicious feast, including roasted chicken. We do some brief research to see if we can call this a broasted chicken, but apparently we cannot. “Broasted” is to “roasted chicken” as “Martinized” is to “dry cleaning.” It is a trademarked technique. Well, we don’t need any damn broasting; Ross’ chicken is delicious. Maybe he should trademark his roasting technique. Call it “Rossted” chicken. Oh, the show is almost on. To the television.
So, I went into last nights viewing party for last night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model thinking, “This is going to be great.” I was unable to procure a Rossbot, a robot that could preside over Ross’ Project Runway viewing party while the real Ross was over at my house watching Tyra, but Smoothie has said he’s back on board for watching ANTM, and he might even bring over Nicole and the new pet bunny. We have enlisted Kim and Pinky as new peanut gallery members as well.
Tonight is the makeover episode, which is traditionally the best episode of the cycle. The makeover episode is always chockful of crying and weaves that are too tight and unflattering dye jobs and stern talkings-to. It’s priceless. So it’s good we have a full team watching tonight.
8:02 – It’s 8:02 already? Where is everybody? Right now Benny and I are the only ones here. Ross calls and asks where we are. I tell him that I already explained I wasn’t coming over, and so did Benny. He remembers none of this. Perhaps I am talking to the Rossbot instead of the real Ross. The Rossbot was not programmed with any of Ross’ memories. That’s why he doesn’t remember us telling him we weren’t coming over. Hopefully the real Ross is coming over here as we speak, and he’s just stuck in traffic or something.