Happy to see you

I am in such a foul mood today. I’m not really sure why. I have to get out of this foul mood somehow.

Wow. The Happy Organ didn’t work. This is some foul mood I’m in.

Don’t do it, Fonzie

I have to keep reminding myself that Halloween has not jumped the shark just because I’m having trouble getting a good scary costume together. Not a sexy costume, not a current events costume – a scary costume. Because Halloween is supposed to be about Scary.

Every year I have trouble thinking of a good costume, and I fret and get anxious and grumpy, and then suddenly it all comes together. Only it’s not coming together this year. I can’t even be a monster this year, because this year’s monster is just some cute neurotic hairy dude with a striped shirt thanks to Spike Jonze. Spike, allow me this observation: Where The Wild Things Are = The Butthole Surfers. Where The Wild Things Are ≠ The Cure.

Okay, I need to stop ranting and start concentrating. Halloween. Scary. Scary. Scary.

Don’t interrupt. I’m almost there…

Photo by stevechasmar on Flickr

Flavor of the morning

I really hate when people use the word “flavor” to describe a variety of something rather than an actual taste. I don’t know why it bothers me so much; I guess there’s just something very twee and unnecessary about it. “What flavor of iPhone did you get?” “This shirt comes in two flavors.” Bleh. You can’t say “kind” or “color” anymore? What is wrong with you? Do you also call a lesson a “teach”?

I have two versions of today’s cartoon – the classic and the avant garde. Only one version features beheadings. Neither version comes in any flavors.

Funny people

Does everybody really love Judd Apatow as much as they are saying these days? I just don’t understand it. I have this feeling that he’s been riding on peoples’ love of his legendary TV show “Freaks & Geeks” for some time now rather than the actual quality of his films.

I also have this feeling that he didn’t have as much to do with “Freaks & Geeks” as we’ve been led to believe. I don’t know; it’s just that I feel that the person who created the characters of Bill Haverchuck and Millie Kentner would be embarrassed by the hamhanded sentimentality of Knocked Up and Superbad.

I’m not even going to approach this latest movie. Maybe he’s just one of those people like Orson Welles who never did anything as good as the first thing he did. I can’t believe I just compared Judd Apatow to Orson Welles. Anyway, I’d like to present you with a scene from Apatow’s Citizen Kane so you can make your own decision.

Extreme techniques

The time has come for me to start getting serious about eating better and exercising more. Serious. Really. This time for sure. Relying on my incredible willpower alone has gotten me where I am today, where I only attend social events where caftan-wearing is encouraged, so I think I need to look into some alternative behavior modification techniques. Positive reinforcement may be the way to go, but if I need to go the aversion/punishment therapy route, I think I’ve found a webpage that could really help me out – all ’80s saxophone solos, conveniently separated from their respective songs and rated accordingly.

I think the ratings are actually a little soft on that page, but that’s beside the point; just listening to the clips is much more painful to me than a poke in the nose or electric shock. If Quarterflash started playing every time I ate a piece of pizza, I have a feeling I would think twice about putting that call in to Tomato Pie for delivery of a Large, Hot Grandma. It’s worth further study.

Photo by buck82 on flickr

On Liz

I’ve been having this stupid battle with the HR guy at work because he calls me Liz all the time even though I’ve told him repeatedly over a period of months that my name is Elizabeth and I do not like nicknames, particularly that nickname. It’s come to the point where I’m sure he’s deliberately doing it to annoy me, and in another circumstance I might complain about him to the HR guy. So you see my problem, yes?

Anyway, I’m saying all of this mainly because I’m torn about this story that came up in the news this week about another person named Elizabeth who was called Liz by some unwitting soul. Apparently the person who addressed House Representative Jim McDermott’s scheduler Elizabeth Becton with the unwanted nickname was berated by same in a series of 19 or so emails. I have a sampling of said emails here:

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:05 PM
To: Becton, Elizabeth
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Liz,

just checking in on whether the Congressman is available next week. [REDACTED] can confirm a meeting time for you – she is available at [REDACTED].

Thank you!

Best,
XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Elisabeth
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:07 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request
Importance: High

Who is Liz?

Libby Becton
Executive Assistant/Office Manager
Office of Congressman Jim McDermott
XXXX Longworth House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
XXX phone
XXX fax
________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:07 PM
To: Becton, Betty
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Lisa, I thought you went by Liz – apologies if that is incorrect. Best, XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Lizzie
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:08 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

I do not go by Liz. Where did you get your information?
________________________________

Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:10 PM
To: Becton, Beth
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Zabet, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I thought you had gone by Liz at Potlatch, this was my mistake. Best, XXX

________________________________
From: Becton, Beef
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:11 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

NEVER. I hate that name.

________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:13 PM
To: Becton, Liza
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Elsie, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I must have mis-heard. My mistake! Best, XX

________________________________

From: Becton, Bessie
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:20 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request
Importance: High

XXX:

If I wanted you to call me by any other name, I would have offered that to you. I think it’s rude when people don’t even ask permission and take all sorts of liberties with your name. This is a real sore spot with me. My name has a lot of “nicknames” which I don’t use. I use either my first name or my last name because I row with a lot of other women who share the same first name. Now, please do not ever call me by a nickname again.

As for your meeting request, who is the point of contact for this meeting? If it’s not you, then I need to know who because it’s very time-consuming to deal with a lot of people for one meeting.

Thanks,

________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:23 PM
To: Becton, Stinking Lizaveta
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Buffy, I’m so sorry I offended you! My mistake!

XXX can confirm a meeting time for you – she is available at XXX XXXX.

Thank you!

Best, XXX

________________________________
[UNRELATED EMAILS REDACTED]

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:33 PM
To: Becton, Isabel
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Of course! Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I must have mis-heard and it was in no way my intention to make you upset. I always enjoy working with you and seeing you at the WSS events J

Best,
XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Zeebz
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:37 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Sounds like you got played by someone who KNOWS I hate that name and that it’s a fast way to TICK me off. Who told you that I go by that name? They are not your friend…

________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:38 PM
To: Becton, Babette
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Abby,

Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I don’t want to cause trouble as I clearly must have mis-heard the person at Potlatch. It was in no way my intention to make you upset.

Best,
XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Lizardbreath
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:41 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request
Importance: High

I REALLY want to know who told you to call me that.

________________________________

From:XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:44 PM
To: Becton, Wizzy
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Elikapeka,
Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I don’t recall who I overheard. It was in no way my intention to make you upset.
Best,
XXX

________________________________
From: Becton, Ilsa
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 6:04 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Let me put it this way, they don’t know me and perhaps they were PRETENDING to know me better than they do and pretended that I go by Liz. They did YOU a disservice.

In the future, you should be VERY careful about such things. People like to brag about their connections in DC. It’s a past time for some. It’s also dangerous to eaves drop, as you have just found out.

Quit apologizing and never call me anything but Bettina again. Also, make sure you correct anyone who attempts to call me by any other name but Liesl. Are we clear on this? Like I said, it’s a hot button for me.

And please don’t call the office and not leave a message. My colleague told me you called while I was away at the Ladies’ room. I do sometimes leave my desk.

(I may have edited the names on the email exchange slightly.) Obviously, Ms. Becton flew off the handle in a completely inappropriate manner and has delusions of grandeur and is a total bitch and probably a very scary person to have as an enemy, especially since she’s on a crew team which means she has massive upper body strength in addition to her psychotic focus. But I still have to defend her here. There’s something about the nickname Liz that just rankles if you haven’t chosen it for yourself.

And calling but not leaving a message is kind of lame too.

Fresh and easy

I’m feeling so lazy that I’m not going to prepare my lunch for tomorrow – I’m just going to buy a frozen cat burrito at the 7-11.

No, I’m not so lazy that I just picked this up from cuteoverload.com … I think it’s from metafilter. I think I’ll even have a nice chocolate finger for dessert.

Feint oily hell

I try to be a positive person, and I especially try to be a positive person online, but there are some things that I just hate so much that I can’t keep quiet about them.  Usually when I make a post about something I hate, I get hate mail from people saying how much they hate me for hating whatever I hate. It’s rather exhausting, all this hate, so I try to remain positive.

Today, however, I am feeling a surge of hateful energy. I’m spittin’ mad. I’m ready to throw a shoe. And it’s not even noon yet. So watch out. I’m going to unleash some hate, and the object of my hate had better watch out.

Today I’m talking to you, Agapanthus. You’re my most hated flower.

Yeah, that’s right, “Lily of the Nile.” You are loathsome. I don’t know when I first came to this conclusion really, but it’s true. You are the popcorn ceiling of flowers. The cheapest solution. The easiest to deal with. Somebody builds a crappy new industrial office complex or peach-colored stucco condo unit and what do they do when told they need landscaping? They plant agapanthus.

You’re ugly when you’re blooming, you’re ugly when you’re dying, you proliferate like nobody’s business, and you’re poisonous. You’re horrible.

I have no problems with your little cousin society garlic. It’s edible, it’s delicate and it smells interesting. It can be used as a mole deterrent. More importantly, society garlic doesn’t feel the need to take over the whole damn yard like you do.

Seriously, what is your problem? I hear that in New Zealand you’re considered such a noxious, invasive weed that you have been outlawed. Bravo to New Zealand for that.

Agapanthus, I think it’s best that you just stay away from me as well as you are able. My heart and my garden are New Zealand as far as you’re concerned. Don’t make me throw a shoe at you.

Photo by Nemo’s great uncle on Flickr. Sorry for including your photo in this post, Nemo’s great uncle, because it looks like you like agapanthus an awful lot.

Hiya, Toots

Valentine’s Day can be a terrible holiday. For people in relationships, it causes anxiety about presents and restaurant reservations and whether everything is romantic enough, and for people not in relationships, they have to hide out at home so all the couples out on dates don’t look at them with withering pity because they’re alone on Valentine’s Day.

Then there’s the sad case of the secret admirer who summons up the courage to send flowers or a note to his/her object of desire, only to be crushed. No fun for the crushed, and no fun for the crusher. Think of Ralph Wiggum not getting choo choo choosed by Lisa Simpson at the Krusty the Clown Show. Argh. Ouch.

Don’t get me wrong. I love love, and I love the idea of a day devoted to telling your loved ones that you love them, but this day has just become too important and serious. Please: let’s just relax and enjoy the day with candy and wine and cute cards with corny puns on them. If anybody has a fit at you for not shelling out for a new car or a diamond necklace or a marriage proposal, throw a pie at them and go rent the original My Bloody Valentine. Take that, Cupid.

Warning: The clip above is a ’30s cartoon, which of course means that it’s cute and funny and beautiful but at some point ruined by a pointless and unfunny racist “gag.” Be forewarned, or go get a snack when the cupids are reporting back from their assignments.

Aural chemical warfare

Like Robert at retro CRUSH, I was an avid viewer of the TV show Solid Gold back in the day, so I have no idea how I missed these guys when they appeared on the show:

That’s not to say I’m unhappy about missing their performance. Mixing athletes with pop music makes about as much sense as mixing ammonia with bleach. Don’t believe me?

Still don’t believe me?

Still don’t believe me?

Please tell me you’re not really watching these.

Actually, that last one wasn’t half bad.