Icicle, Icicle

Hooray, it’s autumn! I can tell it’s autumn because the current temperature in Los Angeles is 90°, but according to weather.com, it only feels like 87°. Hooray for autumn! Sometimes it’s easier to deal with autumn in Los Angeles by pretending you’re the only person alive after the next ice age has hit, and you’re naked, and you’re on a bicycle. Of course, if you’re naked and on a bicycle, you’re probably from Portland, and you probably don’t have problems with 90° weather on the 25th of September. I’m not in Portland right now, so I’m just going to have to pretend I’m naked on a bike. Want to join me?

Stay safe

Benny and Smoothie and I are going out of town for the weekend. I was a little worried at first because I know that being in a strange town can make you an easy target for criminals, so I’m glad Benny found this self-defense video for us to study:

I think we’re going to be fine.

Quick brown fox overhead

I really meant to ride my bike in to work today. I really did. The problem is that after my long winter’s nap, I’m still too lazy to get it together in the morning to do so.

I get all amped up at night before I go to bed: “I’m going to ride my bike in to work tomorrow! It’s going to be great! Energy! Stress relief! The environment!” I can’t get to sleep because I’m so amped up. And then in the morning, I’m too tired to be amped up about anything, and I hit the snooze button.

What I really need is an alarm clock that projects an inspirational video directly on my eyeballs in the morning. Something that will get me out of bed and make me say, “It’s fun to ride a bike. I want to ride my bike.”  Something like that. Where can I find something like that?

Japanese TV, that’s where. Of course.

No time for a nap

Not a very good place for one either, guy.

Dalai gator

The Christmas holiday season can be a stressful time leading to anxiety, loneliness and depression in the strongest of us. While self-medication in the form of comfort food, alcohol and drugs may be temporary cures, it’s better to figure out a more reliable way to deal with these emotions. Many recommend meditation.

This singing cowboy alligator can teach you how:

Maybe he’s a crocodile. Anyway, good luck with your sad and gloomy mind. Things will get better soon.

Voter guide

Tomorrow is Election Day, and I of course urge everybody to actually cast a ballot and not just root for your favorite team because you were too busy blowdrying your hair in the morning to make it to the polling place before work or whatever. There are a lot of important ballot measures in every region of the country, I’m sure, but of course the big issue is the presidential contest.

If you’re still undecided, I’m tempted to say that you should just sit this one out, but this is a really important election so I’m going to ask you to take some time tonight and think about just two more things:

1. Who is going to focus on the real looming threat to our security and our current way of life? I’m not talking about the Middle East, I’m not talking about the worldwide economy; I’m talking about primates developing telekinetic powers:

If that picture doesn’t chill you to the bone, I don’t know what will. Instead of jumping into another war that we can’t win, however, I think we need to start a dialogue with these monkeys and convince them to become our allies and to use these powers for good. Additionally – energy crisis solved!

2. Read maria-sputnik’s comic (warning: contains halo-halo reference) about our past presidents for an extra history lesson. Which presidents did you admire? Which ones were complete failures? And why? Which candidate is going to continue this comic most effectively?

I hope this brings things into focus for any undecided voters out there. I thank you for your time.

Thumbs vs. eyeballs

After playing Mattias Wandel’s “eyeballing” game, it has become quite apparent to me that I really need to heed the old piece of advice to measure twice and cut once. I don’t know why this piece of advice never really sticks in my head; it’s a time-honored rule of thumb that has served many a seamstress and carpenter well. Why can’t I accept it?

I decided to check the website rulesofthumb.org to see if I was as stubborn about not following other universally accepted helpful hints, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. The following tips seem quite logical, even if some sound awfully superstitious in nature, and if I can remember to use them I’m sure my life will go much more smoothly:

• Don’t stand within five meters of the lion tunnel when the lions are entering or exiting the ring. The lions will pee on you.
• Steak restaurants serve good seafood, but seafood restaurants serve terrible steak.
• If it starts to rain and llamas run for shelter, it’s going to be a short storm. If they stay where they are, it’s going to rain for a while.
• If a piece of classical music was written after you were born, you are not obliged to appreciate it.
• In any full subway car in any major city, there will be one ambulatory schizophrenic.
• If you are not sure if you should use a semi-colon, use a comma. If you are not sure if you should use a comma, use a period. If you are not sure if you should use a period: quit writing.

Photo by Sister72 on Flickr

Watch out, Lucy

It appears that Dolly Madison nemesis the Zinger Zapper is not the reformed beagle shilling for life insurance I thought he was. According to the New Zealand News, he’s back in action in Malaysia. And he has a gang:

The newspaper said the thieves sped off in a getaway car with the bags, one of which contained mooncakes, a Chinese delicacy.

Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve heard other recent accounts of his recidivism. Keep an eye on your delicious snack cakes, folks.

“Ma’am, I think I’ve found the problem…”

“With this particular model, it’s recommended that you use both halves of the car for optimum performance.”

Suggestion box

Dear eDiets:

I have been on your “Mediterranean diet” food program for about a week now, and I have to say you’ve done a really good job putting this plan together. I may be able to actually stick with this; there are no freeze-dried hamburger patties to activate with water, no olive oil to drink between meals, no sweetened iodine wafers, and no recipes suggesting that I poach canned pear halves in diet cream soda. So thanks.

I also commend you on your decision to leave spumoni ice cream out of the plan, because while it is a technically mediterranean food, the only spumoni you can get in the US is awful. I do feel that you may want to expand your recipe selection, however, as many of my favorite mediterranean dishes are not currently on the program. Please consider adding the following:

• lamb souvlaki
• gyros
• salami
• turkish delight
• saganaki
• falafel
• camel hump (I know this is mostly just fat, but it is delicious and it’s entirely possible that there may be health benefits to eating camel hump.)

Thanks in advance for implementing these changes. Together, we can make a healthier me!

Sincerely,
Elizabeth Herndon

P.S. What’s with all the kiwifruit? I am pretty sure it’s not Mediterranean in origin. Go ahead; show a kiwifruit to a person of the Mediterranean and see if he/she doesn’t identify it as a gorilla testicle.