Don’t do it, Fonzie

I have to keep reminding myself that Halloween has not jumped the shark just because I’m having trouble getting a good scary costume together. Not a sexy costume, not a current events costume – a scary costume. Because Halloween is supposed to be about Scary.

Every year I have trouble thinking of a good costume, and I fret and get anxious and grumpy, and then suddenly it all comes together. Only it’s not coming together this year. I can’t even be a monster this year, because this year’s monster is just some cute neurotic hairy dude with a striped shirt thanks to Spike Jonze. Spike, allow me this observation: Where The Wild Things Are = The Butthole Surfers. Where The Wild Things Are ≠ The Cure.

Okay, I need to stop ranting and start concentrating. Halloween. Scary. Scary. Scary.

Don’t interrupt. I’m almost there…

Photo by stevechasmar on Flickr

New Hollywood

After Saw 6’s “underperformance” (all of a sudden second place is underperformance?) at the box office this weekend, some entertainment industry wags are wringing their hands about whether this is the End Of The Sequel. I don’t know about you, but I find this hand-wringing to be a little premature.

First off, I am 100% sure that Saw 6’s failure to capture the weekend’s number one spot is the result of a torpedo job by the American health insurance industry.  When the triumphant climax of the latest chapter in the most successful Western giallo franchise in recent history is (SPOILER ALERT) an orphan boy injecting hydrofluoric acid into every square inch of a health insurance executive’s body because the exec denied coverage to the orphan boy’s father when he needed a life-saving treatment, you know that Blue Shield and Pacificare and Cigna are going to do their best to make that film disappear before the general public starts getting some ideas of their own.

I think the lesson we’ve learned from the Saw 6 first weekend numbers is not that sequels are dying, but that there’s a lot more scary muscle behind the health insurance industry than any of us expected. I applaud Saw 6 for going after this monster instead of playing it safe. To those chickenshit film execs solely worried about the bottom line, I say don’t throw out the idea of the film franchise. Without the Idea Of The Sequel, we might never have gotten to enjoy Beetlejuice 2.

Author’s note: Director Kevin Greutert in no way influenced my positive review of Saw 6, but in the interest of full disclosure I should note that he did provide me with some Flamin’ Hot Funyuns and Veuve Clicquot Saturday night.

Travis the swine

Sorry for the dearth of posting the last few days. I went into an abandoned mine early on Saturday, and the rest up until now has been kind of a painful blur.

The doctor says it’s just the flu.

Correlation does not imply causation

Meet my uncle Tommy:

That’s him on the left, at age 14. He is at a special boy scout training camp. For some reason this picture makes me think that by this point in his life Tommy didn’t need any more special training.

On Liz

I’ve been having this stupid battle with the HR guy at work because he calls me Liz all the time even though I’ve told him repeatedly over a period of months that my name is Elizabeth and I do not like nicknames, particularly that nickname. It’s come to the point where I’m sure he’s deliberately doing it to annoy me, and in another circumstance I might complain about him to the HR guy. So you see my problem, yes?

Anyway, I’m saying all of this mainly because I’m torn about this story that came up in the news this week about another person named Elizabeth who was called Liz by some unwitting soul. Apparently the person who addressed House Representative Jim McDermott’s scheduler Elizabeth Becton with the unwanted nickname was berated by same in a series of 19 or so emails. I have a sampling of said emails here:

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:05 PM
To: Becton, Elizabeth
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Liz,

just checking in on whether the Congressman is available next week. [REDACTED] can confirm a meeting time for you – she is available at [REDACTED].

Thank you!

Best,
XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Elisabeth
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:07 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request
Importance: High

Who is Liz?

Libby Becton
Executive Assistant/Office Manager
Office of Congressman Jim McDermott
XXXX Longworth House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
XXX phone
XXX fax
________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:07 PM
To: Becton, Betty
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Lisa, I thought you went by Liz – apologies if that is incorrect. Best, XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Lizzie
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:08 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

I do not go by Liz. Where did you get your information?
________________________________

Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:10 PM
To: Becton, Beth
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Zabet, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I thought you had gone by Liz at Potlatch, this was my mistake. Best, XXX

________________________________
From: Becton, Beef
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:11 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

NEVER. I hate that name.

________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:13 PM
To: Becton, Liza
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Elsie, I’m so sorry if I offended you! I must have mis-heard. My mistake! Best, XX

________________________________

From: Becton, Bessie
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:20 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request
Importance: High

XXX:

If I wanted you to call me by any other name, I would have offered that to you. I think it’s rude when people don’t even ask permission and take all sorts of liberties with your name. This is a real sore spot with me. My name has a lot of “nicknames” which I don’t use. I use either my first name or my last name because I row with a lot of other women who share the same first name. Now, please do not ever call me by a nickname again.

As for your meeting request, who is the point of contact for this meeting? If it’s not you, then I need to know who because it’s very time-consuming to deal with a lot of people for one meeting.

Thanks,

________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:23 PM
To: Becton, Stinking Lizaveta
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Buffy, I’m so sorry I offended you! My mistake!

XXX can confirm a meeting time for you – she is available at XXX XXXX.

Thank you!

Best, XXX

________________________________
[UNRELATED EMAILS REDACTED]

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:33 PM
To: Becton, Isabel
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Of course! Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I must have mis-heard and it was in no way my intention to make you upset. I always enjoy working with you and seeing you at the WSS events J

Best,
XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Zeebz
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:37 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Sounds like you got played by someone who KNOWS I hate that name and that it’s a fast way to TICK me off. Who told you that I go by that name? They are not your friend…

________________________________

From: XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:38 PM
To: Becton, Babette
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Abby,

Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I don’t want to cause trouble as I clearly must have mis-heard the person at Potlatch. It was in no way my intention to make you upset.

Best,
XXX

________________________________

From: Becton, Lizardbreath
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:41 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request
Importance: High

I REALLY want to know who told you to call me that.

________________________________

From:XXX
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:44 PM
To: Becton, Wizzy
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Hi Elikapeka,
Again, I am sincerely sorry for offending you. I don’t recall who I overheard. It was in no way my intention to make you upset.
Best,
XXX

________________________________
From: Becton, Ilsa
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 6:04 PM
To: XXX
Subject: RE: JPMC Meeting Request

Let me put it this way, they don’t know me and perhaps they were PRETENDING to know me better than they do and pretended that I go by Liz. They did YOU a disservice.

In the future, you should be VERY careful about such things. People like to brag about their connections in DC. It’s a past time for some. It’s also dangerous to eaves drop, as you have just found out.

Quit apologizing and never call me anything but Bettina again. Also, make sure you correct anyone who attempts to call me by any other name but Liesl. Are we clear on this? Like I said, it’s a hot button for me.

And please don’t call the office and not leave a message. My colleague told me you called while I was away at the Ladies’ room. I do sometimes leave my desk.

(I may have edited the names on the email exchange slightly.) Obviously, Ms. Becton flew off the handle in a completely inappropriate manner and has delusions of grandeur and is a total bitch and probably a very scary person to have as an enemy, especially since she’s on a crew team which means she has massive upper body strength in addition to her psychotic focus. But I still have to defend her here. There’s something about the nickname Liz that just rankles if you haven’t chosen it for yourself.

And calling but not leaving a message is kind of lame too.

Stay safe

Benny and Smoothie and I are going out of town for the weekend. I was a little worried at first because I know that being in a strange town can make you an easy target for criminals, so I’m glad Benny found this self-defense video for us to study:

I think we’re going to be fine.

Sorry, Charley

I love a well-done public service announcement, especially one with animal teachers. I’m partial to my childhood friends Charley Horse and Humphrey Hambone, but I think Charley the cat from Britain runs a close second. He’s a big know-it-all when it comes to following Mom’s instructions, but always seems to get into trouble when fish or sausages are around. Poor Charley.

Soft and sweet

I’ve got it – the answer to my and Benny’s job woes. We are going to quit our jobs and make a zillion dollars by marketing a doll that is both slutty and scary. It’s a sure bet. Little girls are only interested in dolls that are slutty or scary, but try as I might, I can’t come up with one example of a doll currently on the market that is both slutty and scary. To wit:

• Bradley dolls: My mom was so vocal in her disgust of these big-eyed dolls that I found myself saying I hated them too, even though I secretly coveted them. A sympathetic friend finally got me one in high school, and that’s when I realized that Bradley dolls weren’t just ladies with fancy oldentimes dresses, they were 19th century prostitutes.
• Baby Alive: I see that Baby Alive is still alive and more gross than ever. Not only does she need to have her diaper changed (when I was a kid, if you fed her the prepackaged “banana” mush, she’d shit yellow mucus), but now you also need to give her medicine and administer a neti pot to remove snot. Next year maybe she can get hives.
• Bratz: The Bratz never cease to amaze me. They actually have a slutty infant line of dolls. I think the name “Sticky Face Fun Fair Cloe” speaks for itself.
• Tuesday Taylor: Okay, actually Tuesday Taylor is kind of both slutty and scary. When I was a kid, however, the Suntan Tuesday Taylor doll always struck me as low class and unclean. I think today I would classify her look as “has crabs.” Slutty wins.
• Charmin Chatty:  She says proverbs. Also encourages her owner to say, “I’m a pig.”
• Growing Up Skipper: I had one of these when I was a kid, so I was going to say she fell into the slutty category, but now that I see those mosquito bites I’m not so sure (not that big boobs necessarily = slutty). She might be the crossover in the Venn diagram of slutty and scary.

Okay. I think if we combine Growing Up Skipper with some sort of maniacal laughing homunculus, we’ll have a bona fide hit on our hands. Hmm. I’ve got to sleep on that idea a little. Sweet dreams.

Cute shortfall

I don’t always agree with website Cute Overload’s definition of cute, but recently I found myself not only in disagreement with them but in a state of terror.

Cute Overload, pay attention: I know the photo title said “twee gorillas,” but that’s just Dutch. Child warriors learning the art of lynching in preparation for the impending Human vs. Primate war is not “cute.” I’m going to have to go to watch something wholesome in order to cleanse my mind of that image.

Well, that might not have been entirely wholesome, but it certainly cleansed my mind of the previous image.

Riding a glass bike, throwing stones

I don’t know how I came across Larry Wilson’s Bike Racks Blog; today started out as such a normal day. However I came to find it, I feel as if I’ve stumbled upon The Painted Bird of blogs about bike racks.

It’s pretty apparent that Bike Racks Blog is absurdist fantasy, not fact:

• His three children are dead: “… one from the horrors of Misomniadonoma, one was lost to the ravages of Hurricane Jean, and one was presumable eaten by dogs.” Daughter Tess shows up from time to time, however.
• He laughs uncontrollably in most of his blog posts.
• “These days a lot of people are getting nuts about trees and melting snow and smokestacks and pollution and the end of the world. I don’t think there’s any global warming, and I don’t think there’s any pollution wrecking the environment. It’s called summer, people.”
• In Larry’s world, Stacks and Stacks is the only place to buy a bike rack.
• Movie reviews are provided.
• He is currently on the run from the law, after burning down his house. It’s not clear exactly why he burned down his house, but it had something to do with his wife having an affair with the butcher.
• He neglected to take a jacket or any money or make any sort of plan for his getaway. He just has his bike and his laptop.
• Make that just his laptop. His bike has now been stolen.

A bizarre fiction. So why am I worried about him? I started laughing at a certain point in The Painted Bird when things got too over the top, but now that Larry’s posts abruptly stopped after a night spent in an Oklahoma farmhouse that smelled like bad salami, I’m concerned for his welfare.

Give us an update, Larry. People like a happy ending.