Fancy notions #16

I used to work with a woman who called those pre-sliced apples you buy in a bag from Trader Joe’s “Lazy Girls,” because really, how lazy do you have to be to buy pre-sliced apples? Pretty lazy. Anyway, she would often bring a bag of pre-sliced apples into the office and share them with anyone would wanted some, calling out in her cute Kentucky accent, “Who wants a Lazy Girl?” I loved the days that she brought Lazy Girls into the office.

Today’s Fancy Notions offering is kind of the Lazy Girl of craft projects. It can barely be called a project, in fact. It’s nearly a belt. You would have to be really unskilled to not be able to make these two elements into a belt.

You have the belt part:

and then you have the belt clasp so you don’t have to tie the ends of the belt together in a knot like a rube:

Clean up those stray threads, make a couple of stitches around the clasps, and voila… a delightful belt. The only reason I’m offering this package as a Fancy Notions prize is because I already made a belt just like this when I shortened the dress that this fabric came from. I guess I could make the fabric into a headband, but with the dress and the belt already in this fabric, I think a headband would be a little much.

So what are you doing this weekend? I think you should make a belt. First person who writes in to the comment section expressing his/her desire for these items* gets them in the mail. For free. From me. I promise I won’t think you’re lazy for making such an easy belt.

*The previous qualification “… or most sincere person who writes in…” has been temporarily suspended. The last notions giveaway had two people of equal sincerity who wrote in within 30 minutes of each other, and I had a bit of a crisis determining whether one was in fact more sincere than the other, and at the end I went by the timing. I still felt guilty wondering if I made anybody feel like they hadn’t been sincere enough. I will only employ this qualification again if the first person who writes in is obviously insincere.

Fancy notions #15

Unlike many females, I never went through a horse phase as a girl. I don’t know why, but I just never could get that excited about horses. So why did I go and buy this embroidered horse patch?

I have no idea. So I’m giving it away to the first or most sincere person that requests it in the comments section. As an added bonus, I am going to throw in some almost comically large buttons.

Look how large those buttons are. Don’t you need some large buttons? As noted in Fancy Notions policy earlier, the quarter is not part of the giveaway, but you do have the option of purchasing this set of notions, including the quarter, for a bargain price of twenty-five cents. Your choice.

Fancy notions #14

Today’s offering of fancy notions comes with a confession. It has to do with childhood stubbornness and hygiene. You’ve been forewarned.

As a child I had really terrible hygiene. It went beyond the normal hatred of toothbrushing – I didn’t like to brush my hair or take showers or even change my underwear if I could help it. The new underwear was so cold and scratchy, and the old underwear was soft and warm…. As for the hairbrushing, I eventually had to cut a huge rat’s nest out of my hair at the nape of my neck. Dandruff was also involved somewhere in all of this. Surprisingly, I had friends, but this situation was getting to be a real problem.

My mom decided that she would set up a positive reinforcement system in which I had to check off on a chart each time I washed my face and brushed my teeth and changed my underwear.  If I performed all of my hygenic duties during the week, I would get a reward at the end of the week. At the time, I was really into these stuffed mice that wore costumes, so my promised weekly reward was a new mouse of my choosing. I really wanted those mice, so what do you think I did? I cheated.

I started feeling really guilty about cheating however, and eventually my hygiene got better. I suppose it did, anyway. You tell me.

So today’s free gift to the first or most sincere person who writes into the comments section asking for it is one of these costumed mice. I have to add a disclaimer that this particular hula girl mouse is not one of the ill-gotten “reward” mice; this mouse is from the era when I had stopped being so disgusting but my mom decided she really liked costumed mice so she kept buying them and would give one to me whenever my dad seemed curious about the new acquisition.

You not only get a hula girl mouse, but two plastic rods shaped like bamboo that can be used either as Hawaiian Pu’ili implements for the mouse or as polynesian-themed purse handles (for which they were originally intended).

The edges of the bamboo sticks are a little scuffed from the previous purse handle fabric that had to be forcibly removed from them, but I’m sure a little Goof-Off and elbow grease can take care of any imperfections.

Tell me you want these things, and I’ll mail them to you. Sorry, dirty underwear not included.

Fancy notions #13

I’m happy to hear that the last pack of fancy notions has made it to its new home, and that means it must be time for some more fancy notions. What do we have today?

Four suspender clips for making your own suspenders, a length of snowy-white pompons long enough to make a choker, but with one pompon missing, and a very small baby doll. I like to call the baby doll Ballad of a Thin Man, because I know something’s happening with the fabric on his legs, but I don’t know what it is.

Do you, Mr. Jones? If you do, and you want to have this baby and the other items pictured above for your very own, let me know in the comments section. The first or most sincere plea for the notions gets ‘em. Today’s fancy notion offering is a little different in that you have two choices:

1. They are absolutely free to the person who writes first or most sincerely about his/her desire for them, but the package will not include the perspective quarter; OR
2. you may have the perspective quarter included in the package, but the package will cost you 25 cents. I will accept payment via PayPal if that is your choice.

Good luck!

Fancy notions #12

Wow. It’s been over six months six my last Fancy Notions offering. What is my problem? I must have gotten hoisted on my own petards when Fancy Notions #7, my paper napkin collection, was added to the largest (or maybe just best) paper napkin collection in Bulgaria. Well, petards have a way of dissipating, so hoisted I am no longer. I am here to offer some notions.

As you can see, there is a green theme going here. A miniature journal with a bejeweled cover and broken key ring clasp, a fabric applique patch depicting some mushrooms, and three green buttons of various size, shape, and opacity. The quarter is there for perspective; it is not part of the prize.

As an added bonus, I am throwing in a barely used spool of sky-blue thread, because when I was cleaning out my thread box yesterday I noticed that I had three spools of sky-blue thread, and that seems a little excessive. My mom probably gave them to me after she abandoned some project. Abandoning projects seems to run in the family. I have been hanging on to the green flower button for I don’t know how many years, because it is really great, but I am always so afraid to use it on the wrong project that it has just been going to waste. It’s huge. And glittery.

As always, if you would like these fancy notions for your very own, just let me know; write a message in the comments section below rather than sending any emails this time. I’ll send them to the first or most sincere person who writes in. Good luck!

Fancy notions #11

Surely I can’t be giving away this wonderful do-it-yourself angel kit as today’s fancy notions offering, can I?

Surely I am. You’ll have to provide wings, and halo, and, uh, the harp, but everything else you need to make a lovely angel is here. You might also need some glue. What you’re getting from me is: two Shirley dolls imported from China, a packet of multicolored glitter, and a jar of iridescent white glitter. No, that’s not a vial of meth to keep you focused on your do-it-yourself angel project, it’s glitter. See?

Glitter.

If you want this fabulous do-it-yourself angel kit, just write to me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com. The first or most sincere person to write in gets the kit. Good luck!

Fancy notions #10

We’ve come to that time of year when you have to start thinking in earnest about your Halloween costume, folks. And while your Sexy Abraham Lincoln costume last year was excellent, don’t expect people to let you ride on your reputation. You’re going to have to come up with something really good if you want to win the costume contest this year. Eighties goth icon Siouxsie Sioux? Martha Stewart already beat you to it. How about a visual pun costume like a pot head? You put a pot on your head, and walk around, and then people start hitting you on the head because that’s what people do when they see a person walking around with a pot on their head, and pretty soon everybody’s hitting your head to see how loud they can make it clang, and… No, you’re going to need some divine intervention if you want a good Halloween costume this year.

I suggest making a charm bracelet out of the following earrings featured as today’s Fancy Notions offering:

Between the African idol and the dancing Buddha and the pentagram, that’s a lot of supernatural power up there. One of these guys is bound to come up with an awesome idea for a Halloween costume. Wear this around day and night until inspiration strikes, then get to work. Ta daa! Best Halloween costume ever!

If you want these charms, write to me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com; I’ll send them to the first or most sincere person who writes in. Also, I’m probably going to change my mind about including the Insulting Mexican Hand Gesture charm in today’s offer, so you should write in before I come to my senses about that.

Fancy notions #9

Oh boy, it’s Labor Day. And you know what that means? It’s back to school time. Nobody knows better than I do that you need to make a good impression on your first day of school, so choosing your back to school outfit is very important. Choosing even the wrong accessories can mean that you’re stuck hanging out with these square lame-os:

instead of getting into Studio 54 and blowing rails with Andy Warhol like these awesome girls:

I’m serious. That one in the apple jumper is totally connected. She’s going to get in media fights with Tom Cruise about drugs and everything.

So anyway, if you want to hang out with her and her friends, what are you going to do? The answer is easy: don’t just go back to school, goth back to school. Goth is hotter than ever. I know, because I heard “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” today when I was sitting in the lobby of a Honda dealership. Hot. So, you know, it’s everywhere. And everywhere is where you want to be.

And I’m here to help. Just write in to me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com in order to qualify for the following goth notions starter kit:

If you win, ask Mom to trim your new pantsuits and jumpers with your new notions, and you are set. The colors didn’t come out really well in my photo above, but rest assured, you are getting:

• 36 1/2 inches of black cyberpunk satin ribbon
• 57 1/2 inches of slutty goth (is that sloth? glut?) crochet-style lace
• 34 inches of royal dominatrix purple ribbon
• 18 inches of Victorian steampunk black velvet ribbon
• a full 111 inches of burgundy wine like the color of my one true love’s clotted blood grosgrain ribbon

Write in; I will send the notions to the first or most sincere person who sends me an email. Good luck!

Fancy notions #8

Let me tell ya ’bout the birds and the bees
And the flowers and the trees
And the moon up above
And a thing called “Love”

Let me tell ya ’bout the stars in the sky
And a girl and a guy
And the way they could kiss
On a night like this

When I look into your big brown eyes
It’s so very plain to see
That it’s time you learned about the facts of life
Starting from A to Z
(repeat ad infinitum)

Today’s Fancy Notions are genuine imported notions. How about that, folks? Imported! Made in Japan, these metal insect and avian specimens can be attached to your jacket, blouse, pantaloons, purse, hat, anything that might need a living creature pep-up.*

If you’re not familiar with the Fancy Notions way of dealing with fancy notions, here is the procedure: if you wish to receive this FREE item, email me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com with your mailing address, and either the first or the most sincere emailer will receive this fancy notion. I will not use your mailing address for anything other than sending you this notion, if you’re concerned about that sort of thing.

*Please bear in mind that these pins/badges are made of metal, and are not actually living creatures.

Fancy notions #7

Today’s Fancy Notions offering is my paper napkin collection. At first glance it may seem to be a lousy paper napkin collection, but I’ll challenge anyone who says it’s not a fine starter collection even if some of the napkins are folded improperly or have minor strawberry shortcake stains on them. It may fill in some holes if you already have a paper napkin collection. I guess that would really depend on what kind of collection you have, of course.

I think I’m ready to get rid of my paper napkin collection because 1) most paper napkin collectors seem to be lonely old ladies (no offense if you’re a paper napkin collector), and 2) there are a couple of paper napkin collections out there that are really great but so huge that they scare me in an I-don’t-really-want-to-go-down-this-road-do-I sort of way. So, here it is:

Jeez, that was more napkins that I thought. Kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, if you would like these fancy notions for your very own, just let me know (write to herndonofsunnyvale[at]gmail.com). I’ll send them to the first or most sincere person who writes in. Good luck!