Curb that impulse

I like this cartoon, even though I don’t like the message. Boys should not hoot at girls. It doesn’t even work. To wit:

(From Hapa Girl: A Memoir) “Some of the boys hoot, cupping their hands around their mouths. They hoot to see how the girls will react: will they like it? This sound like a monkey’s mating call? A few girls giggle. A few more boys hoot. The girls decide, no, they don’t like it, and turn away. The boys stop hooting.”

Thanks for finding this video, Creekbird! You’re good at lots of things.

Etiquette & superstition: teeth

toothpickbird
My root canal is finally finished. It only took five visits to the dentist to complete it; six, if we’re being technical. I don’t care if it’s 2:30, I never want to go to the dentist again.

ETIQUETTE: In western cultures, it is considered rude to use a toothpick at the table. Interestingly, Miss Manners, whom I love, thinks this ban on table toothpick use is illogical and overly fussy. However, Peggy Post, your uncle Ned and all the debutantes in Oklahoma think picking one’s teeth at the table is disgusting, so unless you are having a lunch date with Miss Manners, you should excuse yourself to the restroom should you need to pick your teeth.

In many Asian countries, it is acceptable to pick one’s teeth with a toothpick at the table; of course, this does not give one license to start rooting away at one’s incisors like a dentist with a bad assistant and a rageohol problem. Just cover your mouth with one hand and use the toothpick with the other hand. If you are provided with one of those single-tipped toothpicks with a fancy grooved end, snap off the little finial and rest your toothpick on it as you would use a chopsticks holder at the table.

It is not acceptable anywhere to use a knife, matchbook cover, fingernail, sugar packet or chopsticks to pick one’s teeth at the table. Even Miss Manners agrees on this.

SUPERSTITION: Babies born with teeth will grow up to be murderers. They will also be very clever and lucky. Go figure.

Upon losing a tooth, a person should throw the tooth into the fire and burn it up completely. Otherwise, a dog might come along and eat the tooth, and when that happens, the person who lost the tooth is going to get a dog’s tooth growing in its place. If a pig finds the tooth, same thing. Pig tooth. If the tooth is not eaten by a dog or a pig, it’s still bad news for the person who lost the tooth, as he will be condemned to hell to search for the tooth in a bucket of blood.

Some people who don’t believe in the tooth-burning practice say that you should just throw the old tooth up on the roof or into a tree where a rat or squirrel will find it and ask the rodent nicely to supply you with a stronger tooth.

Photo by twowaystairs on Flickr

Etiquette & superstition: ladders

ladder
Oh man. For a minute there I thought I lost one of my favorite superstition reference books. That seemed like a really unlucky thing to do – lose a book on superstitions. Luckily it had just fallen behind the bookshelf. Back to work.

ETIQUETTE: When a man and woman are using a ladder together, the man should go up the ladder first and down the ladder first. He should not look up the lady’s skirt when the lady is descending the ladder, but the lady probably shouldn’t be wearing a skirt while climbing a ladder in the first place.

SUPERSTITION: Yeah, yeah. Don’t walk under a ladder. That old chestnut. Almost six years doing Fancy Notions and I’ve avoided it until now. Do you know why you’re not supposed to walk under a ladder? A ladder, when propped against a wall, forms a triangle, and a triangle symbolizes the Holy Trinity, so when you’re crossing through that triangle, you’re defying the Holy Trinity and that’s bad. You’ll have bad luck, you’ll never marry and you might even be hanged.

If you do walk under a ladder and wish to be protected from bad fortune, just spit over your left shoulder, or spit on your shoe and don’t look at your shoe until the spit has dried, or cross your fingers until you see a dog.

If you didn’t walk under the ladder, and you happen to notice that the ladder has an uneven number of rungs, climb up the ladder to ensure your future success.

Photo by sbluerock on Flickr
Published in: on January 10, 2014 at 5:42 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Etiquette & superstition: baptism/christening

christening
Depending on whom you ask, a christening and an infant baptism are either the same thing or two different things that happen at the same ceremony. Something something naming ceremony vs. pledging allegiance to God something something. It seems there is not a lot of etiquette attached to baptisms, and not a lot of superstition attached to christenings, so I’m combining the two just like they do at the christening ceremony. The baptism ceremony. Whatever.

ETIQUETTE: Do not ask anyone other than an intimate friend or family member to be your child’s godparent, because it is theoretically a big responsibility to be a godparent, and a person is not allowed to decline a request to be a godparent. A female baby gets two godmothers and one godfather, and a male baby gets two godfathers and one godmother. At the christening, when the clergyperson asks the godmother for the name of the baby, the godmother only says the child’s first and middle name, and she had better say it loudly and clearly so the clergyperson pronounces it correctly. If the clergyperson says the name wrong, that mispronunciation is the kid’s name for life. Sorry. Ha ha.

SUPERSTITION: A baby should be baptized as soon as possible to protect it from evil fairies, who want nothing more than to steal the baby and replace it with a changeling. Before the child is baptized, the only way to protect it from fairies is to make it wear its father’s clothes, or to put a lot of stuff in its crib, particularly garlic, bread, salt and a piece of steel if it is a Danish baby, and horehound, black cumin, marjoram, a right shirtsleeve and a black stocking (left foot) if it is a German baby. A baby who dies before being baptized is doomed to become a yeth-hound, which is a hound without a head that roams the woods at night wailing loudly. How a yeth-hound is able to wail loudly without a head is not explained.

Photo by rhondda.p on Flickr

Word of the day for Monday, December 2nd

Hey, lift me up. Do I feel heavy to you? Yeah, I probably feel heavy to you. Can you even lift me up? Geez, this is bad. Not bad because I’m a big fatty. It’s bad because me feeling heavy to you is a bad omen. Well, not actually. If I were a corpse or a heavy stone, and I felt heavy to you, it would be a bad omen according to

zygomancy. Zygomancy is the art of divination by the use of weights or scales. If you could have lifted me up and I felt light, that would have been a really good omen… probably an omen that I would be able to fit into some of my old clothes again.

Etiquette & superstition: onions

Benny and I have a funny story about the time I made potato and leek soup out of some things I found in the garden that I was sure were leeks. They turned out to be ornamental onions, not leeks, and the story is really much better the way Benny tells it, but suffice it to say you should not make soup out of ornamental onions.

ETIQUETTE: Onions are not mentioned in a lot of early 20th century etiquette books. Vogue’s Book of Etiquette does broach the subject, but only to note that “A rule of formal dinners is that onions cannot be served, even in a garniture. There are some elaborately concealed exceptions to this, but it is a rule.”

As for non-formal dining of onions, I was able to find one source online regarding the placement of onions on a burger served in a “sit-down” (not fast food, not formal) restaurant, but the recommendation seemed incongruous to the eating of a burger – lots of business about not picking up the bun with one’s hands, eating the burger with knife and fork, and so on. I can’t endorse this course of action, however; it seems to break an important rule of etiquette, that of being overly precious and unnatural.

I’m going to go out on a limb and provide my own advice here: a burger is by nature a casual food. If you wish to garnish it with the lettuce and onion provided, add those items to the burger with your fork, but don’t worry about removing the bun with some complicated fork-and-knife action, and feel free to eat the burger with your hands if it is not unreasonably messy to do so. A burger served open-face or with no bun at all should, of course, be eaten with a knife and fork.

SUPERSTITION: A girl who wishes to know the identity of her true love should take a bunch of onions and name each one after a young man she knows. Gary Onion, Billy Onion, Emmett Onion, etc. She should then put the onions in a safe, dark place. The onion named after her future suitor will be the one that sprouts first. If she only has one onion, she should put it under her pillow and pray to St. Thomas, and in the night she will dream of her true love.

Onions are not only good for love predictions, but they cure dog bite, headache, toothache and fever. If you are going to be beaten with a cane, try to rub an onion over the cane first (or if you can’t do this, rub the part of your body that is to be beaten with the onion). You will not feel any pain, and the cane will break.

Etiquette & superstition: marigolds

marigoldfiestaware
It’s interesting to me that only some flower names are popular as girls’ names. Poppy, Rose, Lily, Daisy, Violet – yes. Marigold, Snapdragon, Black-Eyed Susan – no.

ETIQUETTE: Suitors should probably stay away from ladies wearing marigolds upon their person, as a marigold worn on a lady’s bosom signifies indifference and one worn in the hair indicates mental anguish. Marigolds are appropriate flowers to place at a gravesite, which I find strange because many in the gardening field consider marigolds to be somewhat tacky and cheap.

SUPERSTITION: If you take a marigold and mix it in some water, rubbing the water over your eyelids will give you the ability to see fairies, but perhaps this is because picking marigolds will turn  you into a drunkard. Marigolds may get you all messed up, but they can fix you right up too – they cure headache, toothaches, depression, smallpox and snakebites.

Photo by THE Holy Hand Grenade! on Flickr

Etiquette & superstition: champagne

champers
Go ahead; celebrate. It’s been a tough couple of weeks.

ETIQUETTE: The appropriate wine to serve with Chinese food is champagne. Clearly there should be more champagne delivery services, but maybe somebody is working on that. When opening a bottle of champagne, unless you’re a football player you don’t pop the cork out with the intention of maximum velocity and fizz. Twist the cork out carefully and pour the champagne into the glass at an angle to avoid a big foaming head (champagne people call the foam “mousse”) and a waste of bubble gas. And the glass you’re supposed to use? Unfortunately, it seems that the current preferred glass is the long and skinny flute. I find that a shame because I prefer the more old fashioned coupe-style glass pictured above. One reason is because you can’t use flutes to make a champagne tower and champagne towers are hilarious, and the other reason is I like the legend that the coupe was shaped in the form of Marie Antoinette’s left breast. I hope the champagne flute’s form does not mimick the shape of anyone’s breast.

SUPERSTITION: A new ship is supposed to be christened with the breaking of a wine bottle (preferably champagne bottle) against its bow. Supposedly it is a very bad omen if the bottle does not break, but considering the glass thickness of a champagne bottle, it seems a miracle that any ships are sailing at all. If you’re at the christening of a baby instead of a ship, or at a wedding, or some other celebratory event, you should make a slit in the cork after you’ve opened the bottle and put a coin in the slit. This will ensure good fortune for the people being celebrated. Some people put a gold piece into their champagne glass in the hopes of gaining wealth, but this seems to be more of a choking hazard than anything. Maybe some opportunistic ass somewhere choked on the gold piece and successfully sued the treasury for making a dangerous gold piece that someone could choke on, but that sounds like a pretty iffy gamble to take, and you don’t want to be that person anyway.

Photo by Maverick Liew on Flickr

Etiquette & superstition: hat purchases

paperhat
Maybe I should have waited until Mad Hatter Day to post this, but I might not be near a computer on Sunday. Happy Mad Hatter Day Eve Eve Eve.

ETIQUETTE: According to Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette, ladies really don’t need to worry about having a lot of hats anymore, especially if they live in the country. A country lady’s hat collection may be limited to some berets, a hunting cap, a duck snap brim, a good dress hat or two for each season, a fur hat, a straw hat, and something for weddings and funerals. According to me, a lady needs to purchase a hat each time she visits Disneyland.

SUPERSTITION: If the first customer of the day at a hat shop tries on a hat but does not purchase it, it portends a poor day of hat sales for the shop. In order to remove this bad sales curse, the milliner or salesperson should spit into the hat the first customer tried on. From An Encyclopedia of Superstitions (compiled by Claudia DeLys): “… since evil doers are believed to reside in hair, (the customer) may have transferred them from her head into the hat, so the saliva acts as a cleanser of this evil.”

Photo by Mammaoca2008 on Flickr
Published in: on October 3, 2013 at 5:31 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags: , , , , , ,

Etiquette & superstition: juniper berries

greenmartini
Last shot of the day, boys.

ETIQUETTE: The martini is a cocktail that people seem to get really upset about. It’s a cocktail made with gin (a spirit infused with juniper berries) and vermouth. At a certain point some people started acting like vermouth was horrible, and then we started hearing all of these “perfect martini” recipes that involved instructions like swirling the vermouth in the glass and then dumping it out, or merely whispering the word “vermouth” into the glass. Then came James Bond with his “shaken, not stirred” line, which confused the hell out of every dumb kid who was trying to be debonair like James Bond, because what was that whole thing about bruising the gin? Oh wait – James Bond was drinking vodka martinis. Which some people say aren’t martinis at all.

Whatever. There is no one way to make a martini. It’s like a hamburger. If you are at a bar, specify to the waiter what kind of spirit you would like, and if you have a preference, go further with the brand of spirit, the shaking or the stirring, and whether you’d like an olive or lemon peel. Just don’t make any of these “dry whispered cloudy Bombay Sapphire in a tumbler” instructions in someone’s home if they ask if you would like a martini and they already have a pitcherful sitting there. You wouldn’t go to this person’s cookout and start barking orders about how much fat content the meat in your burger needs to be and when the cheese needs to be put on the patty, would you? No, you would not.

SUPERSTITION: As you may have learned from the fairy tale “The Juniper Tree,” you should treat the juniper tree as a friend. A juniper tree or bush by the front door of your home will repel thieves. If you cut down a juniper tree, you will die within the year. It’s okay, however, to make a fire with juniper wood if you need to cure your sick cattle. I suppose you could just trick somebody you hate into cutting down the juniper tree, or maybe you would just find the juniper wood somewhere? I don’t know; this sounds kind of tricky and maybe I would just try to give the cattle some chicken soup or something.

Oh, you say you came here to find out about a superstition regarding juniper berries and not just juniper trees? Dreaming of juniper berries prophesies the birth of a first male child. You can also take some dried berries and string them up in your home if you need more love in your life.

Photo by CocteauBoy on Flickr
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