William Pene du Bois, take us away

The weather today is beautiful, but I have to say that something about the day itself is rather strange and sinister. On my way to work, as I drove down Beverly Blvd. I noticed about two blocks-worth of gutter filled with bras and panties and high heels. On my way to lunch, I encountered two bags of groceries in the crosswalk. A sack of oranges, a packet of sliced beef, and a bag of maybe sausages (but maybe turds) getting run over by cars as they drove by.

On his way to lunch, Benny walked by a dead dog in a box with a sign over it that said, “Do you recognize this dead dog?” Then he drove by a probably dead guy at the moment that the cops and ambulance were driving up to investigate. Then he got stuck behind a funeral procession.

I’m not sure what is happening here today. It sure would be nice if a bunch of balloons could just come and take us to Krakatoa.

Etiquette & superstition: the equinox

I’m having some trouble figuring out if tonight is the vernal equinox because of Daylight Saving Time, or if it’s tomorrow. I’m not sure it really matters.

ETIQUETTE: The vernal equinox is a lot like Easter. You hunt eggs and decorate everything in pastel colors, and crocuses, bunnies and chicks figure prominently. You pray for rebirth, you light candles and give thanks for the return of the Sun, and… well, it’s just Easter but you call it Ostara. Oh wait – don’t ever call it Ostara. Only an idiot would call it Ostara. Call it Lady Day instead, and you have half a chance of fooling some Christian into celebrating it with you because they think they’re remembering the day Mary found out she was pregnant.

SUPERSTITION: On the day of the vernal equinox, you can make an egg stand on its end. You can make a broom stand on its end. On the day of the… oh, hold on a minute. I just can’t go on with this. Everybody except for your local TV news reporter knows that this stuff about standing things on end during the equinox is a bunch of hooey, right? So let’s get down to some actual important things to know about the equinox.

Rabbits are kind of crazy around the vernal equinox, and rabbits are ruled by the moon, and the moon affects the weather, and so the equinox has a tendency to bring bad storms. Rats; it’s been a few years since I had to write mathematical proofs. I may have left out some steps in the logic above. But yeah. The equinox brings some crazy weather, including earthquakes. Oh, but earthquakes aren’t caused by rabbits; they’re caused by the giant beast Leviathan, who sleeps across the equinoxes (his head is at the autumnal equinox and his tail is at the vernal equinox) and like the rest of us has to move around in his sleep. Except he only really moves around every 72 years or so the earthquakes don’t come every year or anything, and… uh, maybe if you’re talking about this with Christians or Jews you should use the name Typhon instead of Leviathan because they have a whole lot of other beliefs about Leviathan and then you’re not just talking about the weather.

Let’s just stick to the simple stuff. Water is unfit to drink on the equinox because it has been tainted with blood. It might be Lilith’s menstrual blood, it might be the blood of John the Baptist, it could be blood from a fight between Leo and Scorpio. Never you mind that. Just keep it at blood and don’t drink it and you should be fine.

UPDATE: 7.4 magnitude earthquake this afternoon in Oaxaca. Settle down, Leviathan.

Photo by sea turtle on Flickr

Etiquette & superstition: diamonds

I seem to remember from my childhood the idea that it was inappropriate for a lady to wear diamonds until she reached a certain age. What that age was supposed to be, I can’t recall. I can’t find anything in my library of etiquette books about this, and the internets aren’t helping me either. I do know that because of current global labor and political conditions it’s kind of terrible to buy a new diamond without verifying a number of things about its origin, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I want to know the age that you might appropriately wear an heirloom rock without being regarded as a vulgar little trollop. I suppose I will have to keep researching.

ETIQUETTE: When two people have been married for 75 years, they celebrate their diamond anniversary. Because it is a very rare milestone that involves two extremely aged people, there are few dictates about how to celebrate the diamond anniversary. Seriously. You do not tell two people who are at least 90 years old what to eat at their anniversary party or how their invitations are supposed to look. Pretty much the only thing agreed upon by etiquette experts is that if a party is being held, it should be very clearly understood by the attendees that gifts are not to be expected. The reasons are quite practical, of course: there are very few diamond gifts that the average party guest will be able to afford (but maybe a vintage needle for a record player if you’re one of those party guests that simply can’t come empty-handed? A glass cutter?), and what the hell is a 90-year-old going to do with a diamond anyway? Maybe I’ll think differently on that last point when I’m 90. Probably not, though. For the most part, diamonds are not really my thing.

SUPERSTITION: The kind of diamonds that are really my thing are the cursed ones – the Koh-i-Noor, the Black Orlov, the Hope. They’re interesting to me because diamonds are supposed to ward off evil, bring victory and good fortune, and imbue the wearer with courage and strength. Sounds good, but with all those cursed diamonds floating around I’m just not so sure that you can count on a piece of ice being a stable sort of talisman.

And we’re just talking about flawless diamonds here – never mind the flawed ones. Your diamond has red or white or black spots in it? You’re going to lose all your money. Your diamond has flaws in the shape of a crow’s claws? You are going to DIE. No thanks. Give me an eye disease-curing emerald or flying insect repelling garnet any day over a diamond.

Photo by daniel spils on flickr; thanks to The Hairpin for the original cursed gem link

Etiquette & superstition: dragons

As I may have noted previously, I think Chinese New Year is a wonderful holiday. So many rituals for so many days. This year is designated not only as the Year of the Dragon, but the Year of the Black Water Dragon, and that sounds pretty tough to me. Graahhh, Black Water Dragon!

ETIQUETTE: Proper decor in the home during New Year celebrations in the Year of the Dragon includes lots of candles. Starfish and octopus motifs are also strongly encouraged this particular year. And use a lot of black. Some people say black and red and green are best, others say black and yellow. Just go with black.

If you yourself are an actual dragon (not just one of those hotshots born during the Year of the Dragon; see below) and have come to this post for some etiquette tips, please allow me to redirect you to Sherri Godsey’s page regarding gullet transport and regurgitation of humans. It is an excellent resource.

SUPERSTITION: All that “Dragon Lady” jazz is a Western construct. In Asia, it is a good thing to be a dragon. Dragons are lucky, have better education and will be very successful in life. This isn’t even a superstition, by the way; they are. There are some rational reasons for that, but whatever.

Dragons, the real dragons, became a little bit of trouble for humans when a Ming Dynasty emperor got all greedy and wanted them to help him out instead of going back to their home in heaven. They, of course, wanted to go back to heaven. No doy. There were nine dragons at this point, who were sons of the original dragon. So anyway, these dragons were a little pissed off at the emperor but eventually chilled out and now are pretty good with humans again, at least in China. I’m probably screwing this up. Let’s just go to chinesefortunecalendar.com for the rest of this:

“The nine dragon have different themes, and they all have different versions too. We skip their names because all of their names are hard to remember. One version is:

• The 1st son loves music. The head of Number 1 son becomes a decoration for music instrument, such as two-stringed bowed violin (huqin).
• The 2nd son loves fighting. Many different handles of weapons have the symbol of Number 2 son.
• The 3rd son loves adventure and keeping guard. He has prestige and is the symbol of safety, harmony and peace.
• The 4th son loves howling. The image of Number 4 son can be found on the big bells. It is a symbol of protection and alertness.
• The 5th son loves quietness, sitting, fire and smoke. His image is often found in temples, such as on incense burners.
• The 6th son has the power of strength. He loves to carry heavy stuff to show off his magic energy. He is a symbol of longevity and good luck.
• The 7th son loves to seek justice. Chinese like to apply his symbol around law, court, or jail.
• The 8th son loves literature. Chinese like to put the 8th son as a symbol around steles. When used in this way, it is a symbol of knowledge or education.
• The 9th son loves water. He is a symbol to prevent fire disasters.”

Photo by tunachilli on Flickr

I believe the preferred term is “bicyclatrixes”

It’s only Tuesday, and already I need to interrupt Monkey Alert Week for a quick etiquette refresher for my fellow velocipedestriennes, courtesy of The New York World. The full list is on brainpickings.org; my favorites are:

• Don’t be a fright.
• Don’t cultivate a “bicycle face.”
• Don’t wear laced boots. They are tiresome.
• Don’t contest the right of way with cable cars.
• Don’t chew gum. Exercise your jaws in private.
• Don’t ask, “What do you think of my bloomers?”
• Don’t scratch a match on the seat of your bloomers.
• Don’t discuss bloomers with every man you know.
• Don’t scream if you meet a cow. If she sees you first, she will run.

I’m anticipating a problem, however: what if the cow doesn’t run, and asks you about your bloomers?

via The Hairpin

Etiquette & superstition: celery

It’s December 5th, and I’m still full from Thanksgiving. Will I die if I just eat celery between now and Christmas? Yeah, I’ll probably die if I do that. I might also get all roid-ragey too. Never mind.

ETIQUETTE: I think I have a new tagline for celery (Celery Advisory Board: contact me!). “Celery – because eating ranch dip with a spoon is frowned upon.” Okay, maybe that tagline needs some tightening up.

If you are hosting a party where crudites are going to be served and want to avoid people double-dipping (but why do you invite people like this to your party in the first place? Oh, never mind), just make sure your celery sticks and carrots are sliced into small portions. There’s no need to resort to the public-shaming tactic of placing the dip in the middle of the room so everyone can point and mock the double-dipper, unless you don’t have any other form of entertainment planned.

SUPERSTITION: Celery was used to decorate the final resting places of the dead in ancient Greek and Rome, and thus was considered by some to be an omen of death. The Amish use a lot of celery in their wedding celebrations. I don’t know if that is some sort of Amish joke or not. Anyway, If you are hung over and feeling like death warmed over, you should make a wreath out of celery leaves and put it on. You’ll feel better in no time, and you’ll also look like an ancient Greek athlete.

According to Catholics spreading the good word in China about 100 years ago, Chinese parents used to send a small child off to the very first day of school with a stick of celery in his hand and a veil over his head. Celery was not a symbol of death in this case, but of hard work. The veil protected the child from evil spirits.

Photo by Curt on Flickr

 

Etiquette & superstition: bee stings

Did you know that I got a bee sting on the bottom of my foot the last time I waded near Monkey Island at Las Palmas Park in Sunnyvale? Now you do.

ETIQUETTE: If you develop a passion for apiculture but wish to maintain a good relationship with the local human community, don’t put beehives near property lines, occupied buildings, roads, bike or walking paths, power lines, underground cables, sewer openings, schools, parks, picnic areas, swimming pools, birdbaths (unless it your own birdbath provided as a dedicated water source for your hymenoptera pals), water troughs, or places where skunks are known to congregate. It might also be nice to provide your neighbors with a gift of some pure honey every once in a while too.

SUPERSTITION: A bee sting will prevent rheumatism, and will cure it if you’re already suffering from the general creakiness. If you want to relieve a bee sting, either tape a penny over the sting area or rub some tobacco juice over it. And did you know that bees do not sting virgins? That’s very strange, because I could have sworn I was a virgin the last time I went wading near Monkey Island at Las Palmas Park.

Photo by justus.thane on Flickr

Hobby peacock

The other day I was just minding my own business, reading this article about how people in olden times used to think they were so great for not using the word schadenfreude because oh no they would never get joy from another’s pain that’s just horrible, when suddenly I was introduced to the amazing world of The Neologist. And now I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole, as we say.

This person The Neologist just sits around thinking of new compound German words for specific situations. People write in to him/her asking “what’s the word for this?,” and he/she thinks about it for a while and then pops out a new word. What a life. I am learning so many helpful new fremdwort; the only downside is that they are so long that there is no way I’m ever going to remember them.

I can’t pick a favorite, so let’s just go with:

You know, Höflichkeitsgehemmter Vorzorn. Direct translation is “anticipatory wrath held in check by manners.” Basically, it’s that feeling when you know you are about to be incredibly irritated by someone or something but will have to be gracious and kind in response.

Yes, I know it’s two words, not just one. Höflichkeitsschmerzlächeln to you.

Satan foodcake

WhuzzzwhuzzWHUZZa… oh my lord, it’s Monday the 10th of October? What happened? No postings for a week? Where have I been? Well, ever since I received my new issue of the clip art compendium Crap Hound, the one that focuses on images of superstitions, I’ve been trying to unravel what the layouts represent. At first glance I thought subjects were just grouped randomly, but then I came across the layout featuring images of knives and presents. Knives and presents! I know that one! Giving a knife as a present is bad luck because that means the relationship between the giver and recipient is going to be severed. I got it! So, ever since then, I’ve been trying to find the connections between:

• fish and money
• hats and eating utensils
• eyelashes, crows and bibles
• storks and scissors
• crickets and brides
• bread and mice
• salt and beds
• cherries and anvils
• birds, nuts and horseshoes
• scarecrows, onions and arrowheads
• bones and umbrellas

Geez, these are harder than the old Lucky Lager rebuses. I hope I don’t lose another week trying to figure these out.

Etiquette & superstition: prayer

Two people in the past two weeks have said they are going to pray for me. I know both people meant this in a spirit of generosity, but I’m just not sure how I feel about people praying for me.

ETIQUETTE: I can’t believe nobody told me that Kinky Friedman wrote an etiquette book. Well, no matter. At least I found it on my own. Kinky has this to say about mealtime supplication: “If the steak is the size of a sombrero, the meal is followed by the belching of the Lord’s Prayer, which is almost immediately followed by projectile vomiting.”

SUPERSTITION:  If a praying mantis lands on your head, something great will soon happen to you. If it spits in your eye, you will go blind. You shouldn’t kill it even if it spits in your eye, though, because a praying mantis can ward off evil.

Photo by Urijamjari on Flickr