The tie that binds

I’m interviewing new department assistants at work this week, and for some reason the desperation that people are feeling trying to find a job really hit me this morning. It had something to do with the hundredth or so cover letter that was so bright and sparkling and eager about this ehhh okay entry-level job that it made me wince a little, I guess, and the fact that all the applicants feel like they have to be this eager just to get an interview. Maybe they do have to be this eager to get a job interview at most places these days. These applicants are making me feel like the dance promoter in They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, even though I feel like I’m being honest that it’s a bit of a dumb and gruelling day for the money being offered.

Then again (oh yes, there is always a then again, isn’t there?), I keep forgetting where I work. I work at a place that has an amazing song catalog, so amazing that it has utterly spoiled me. I have to remember that most people that have my job, or a job as my assistant, at other companies do not get to spend their days looking at this on youtube

legitimately, as a function of work. So, how dumb and gruelling a day can that be? Go ahead, eager young tyros; send me your resumes!*

*Please do not really send me your resumes.

Word of the day for Monday, November 29th

Listen, Urban Dictionary: I appreciate the fact that you don’t want to turn into The Man by fettering your site with rules and editors and bullshit like that. But as a result, your site is polluted with idiotic disinformation. Right now I am looking through the various definitions your readers have submitted for one of my favorite words,

and half of the definitions are noting that it is a slang term for marijuana. Look, I know that slang is even more fluid than standard language, but saying that “endo” means “marijuana” is wrong. And stupid. The word you are looking for is “indo.” Endo means (to use a phrase that I like almost as much as the word endo) to go ass over teakettle, usually over a set of handlebars.

Today’s post is dedicated to my friend Erin, who had the good sense this morning to endo right in front of another cyclist who happened to be the president of a local hospital. Said president stopped to check on her, then promptly called an ambulance and told her that the trip and CT scan at the hospital would be free of charge because she didn’t have any health insurance. That’s the way to endo, Erin!

Little piggies are greasy

In our home, Benny does most of the cooking. While I do a decent job with dressings and sauces and dishes that only require the chopping of ingredients, the idea of roasting a large hunk of meat has always intimidated me. Watching Edith Prickley handle a turkey, however, is giving me some confidence in this area. Heck; if I get a Rhythm Ace for Christmas, I just may attempt a rack of lamb.

Thanks, Mauricio!

Violet criminals

I’m sad to hear that these burglars weren’t really as perfectly camouflaged as it appears in this video, and the purple was probably just an effect of some camera setting:

I was all set to volunteer for security detail at Angelyne’s house.

Logic for a Saturday

Just because it’s Saturday doesn’t mean it’s time to shut your brain off. It’s a muscle*; use it or lose it.

*Your brain is not actually a muscle.

Etiquette & superstition: thievery

Whenever I think of the phrase “thievery and murder,” I think of clowns down on their luck. Right now, I am only thinking about thievery and not murder, so I am not thinking of clowns down on their luck.

ETIQUETTE: (Today’s etiquette tip will be excerpted from an abandoned etiquette book I worked on for much too long with my writing partner. It appears that the last draft was from 2002.) Perhaps kleptomaniacs suffer not from a psychological sickness but an overactive vocabulary, interpreting the first word in “appropriate behavior” as a verb rather than an adjective. This may excuse their behavior, but it does not alleviate the irksomeness others may feel from their actions. It is usually a good idea to maintain a physical distance between yourself and a kleptomaniac acquaintance if you are a materialist or friend of materialists, a capitalist or friend of capitalists, sentimental in the slightest, or easily embarrassed. Telephone and email relationships can be fostered instead, and if physical meetings are necessary, restrict them to activities in which one employs awkward and heavy objects, such as bowling and pinball.

If you are a kleptomaniac, specialize. Take pains to focus on targets that will in fact benefit from your actions, such as fruit trees and flowering plants. The danger of being yelled at by persnickety gardeners spying on you through their second-story window curtains produces a heady high indeed.

SUPERSTITION: Cut a baby’s fingernails and toenails as soon as it is safe to do so. If you do not cut its nails before it is one year old, the baby will grow up to become a thief.

The folly of war

Wow. For a Disney cartoon about sweets, this is pretty heavy…

Word of the day for Wednesday, November 10th

If I were to think of a word that sounded like a combination of a fart and a kiss, the word I would think of would be:

However, as far as I know there is not a word that actually means a combination of a fart and a kiss, and that is not the definition of “smoot.” A smoot is a unit of length named after Oliver Smoot, MIT class of 1962. One smoot is five feet and seven inches in length, as is Oliver Smoot when he lies down. I find it of particular interest that some years after a unit of length was named after him, Oliver Smoot became president of the International Organization of Standardization and also chairman of the American National Standards Institute. This guy was born to have a unit of length named after him, no?

All the rage today

There are a lot of things going on in this film, but the main thing I keep thinking is that it’s a good thing Emil says, “How could I have been such a dumbkopf?” at the end. For a moment I thought the monkeys were going to rip him to shreds.

My friend Shellie sent this to me, and for that I’m eternally in her debt. Pretty eternally, at least.

Nails paint

My friend The Quiet Storm says that lost pet flyers in his neighborhood have been quite good lately. First there was the alert regarding a missing crocker spaniel, and now there is this minimal yet superbly descriptive notice: