Etiquette & superstition: eating grapes

I received a bunch of really nice etiquette books for Christmas from Benny and my mom, so hopefully I’ll be better about posting etiquette & superstition tips in 2010. Miss Manners, of course, is the wittiest author on the subject of “real” etiquette, so I’m glad to be re-acquainted with her notes on such subjects as fruit.

“Fruit occupies the place in the food world that the ingenue does in society. That is, it is usually fresh (but occasionally stewed) and, although welcome anywhere for its charm and implicity, it requires more complicated treatment when going about socially than it does when it is just hanging around the house.”

She goes on to note that it is recommended that before eating, one should make sure everything is rinsed well and that permission has been obtained from the owner. Fnar, fnar, Miss Manners. I love you.

ETIQUETTE: At a formal dinner, the presence of grape scissors near the grapes will guarantee that you are expected to eat and not just admire the grapes. If you are not sure if you are at a formal dinner or not, ask the host/hostess for a pair of scissors while looking meaningfully at the centerpiece. If he/she grants your wish immediately, you are at a formal dinner party and may eat the grapes. Take the grape scissors and cut off a small bunch of grapes. If he/she looks at you in alarm at the request and does not provide you with scissors, you are at a formal dinner party but may not eat the grapes, or you are at an informal dinner party and may eat the grapes. If he/she looks at you in alarm but provides you with scissors, you may want to retire to the bathroom with the scissors after receiving them, and then return them with a simple, “Thank you.” Don’t eat the grapes.

SUPERSTITION: On New Year’s Eve, each person at the party should make a cone out of newspaper and place twelve white (green okay too) grapes in his/her cone. Then, in each of the twelve seconds before midnight, he/she must eat one grape. Whoever eats twelve grapes by midnight in this fashion will have luck for the rest of the year, provided he/she hasn’t choked on the grapes.*

*Thanks for the tip, Jesenia! Also, grape soda photos by Roadsidepictures on flickr

The mechanics next door smelled the cake and took it from us

The other day my friend Mr. Rollers was talking about a spiffy new recipe. “You haven’t heard of the cherpumple? It’s like a turducken, but for desserts. It’s a, uh… just google ‘cherpumple’.”

This came out much better than the chef’s Thanksgiving experiment, and I’m glad he didn’t try to include mincemeat. I’d like to make this for a New Year’s Eve celebration, but I’m not hosting and I don’t think this would travel well. Also, I’m afraid of it getting hijacked.

Fancy Notions #18

The new year is coming to us on Friday, and I’m looking forward to it. 2009 just wasn’t my favorite year. I can’t really put my finger on why this year was such a dud, but 2010 has got to be better. Right?

One thing I like about a new year is the chance everyone has to start fresh, and even reinvent one’s self if that’s what one wants to do. I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble of reinventing myself, but perhaps you do. And that’s where today’s Fancy Notions offering comes in.

Reinvent yourself as a French person. Just take these notions, slap them onto your backpack, et voila – you have a naughty French backpack. The Paris and Eiffel Tower patches are flocked iron-ons, so you can still be a lazy American during the reinvention process. I’m not sure exactly what is so French about the blue ribbon flower appliques,

other than they’re called “appliques,” so from now on I’ll refer to them as fleurs bleues.

Are you ready to reinvent yourself as a French person? If so, just write in the comments section of your desire to own these notions. I will mail all three items – the flocked patches, saucy lace bit, and appliques des fleurs bleues – free of charge to the first person who writes in sounding even remotely serious. Sorry; offer not available to French people. Reinventors only, please.

The trouble with multi-tasking

Walk the dogs or pick up the birthday cake from the bakery. Doing both at the same time is just asking for it. Especially if you like playing with statues.

Gee whiz, it’s Christmas

Have a good one, no matter where you are.

Hooray for Santy Claus

My mom’s next door neighbor is named Bill McCutcheon. There’s an actor in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians named Bill McCutcheon. I wonder…

Two last packages

Maybe I’ll make my own Christmas list while I’m waiting for those two last packages that really should have come in the mail by now. Those two packages make the difference between grim empty-handedness and mirthful generosity on Christmas morning. Well, I’m going to stop worrying about what the USPS is or isn’t going to bring me. I’m going to focus on what Santa is or isn’t going to bring me. Let’s see; where was my Christmas list? Oh, here:

• ice bird
• sixfinger
• fashion face
• presto paints
• fantastic flowers
• fembot and maskatron
• gyromite
• wheelie bar

I actually got a wheelie bar for Benny. I hope he likes it. I hope it gets here…

Getting pissed

So this artist Alyce Santoro makes these Santa Claus mushroom things:

And then she explains them by saying:

“Inspired by evidence that the
flying reindeer/Santa Claus myth
comes from Siberian
shamans eating
Amanita muscaria mushrooms…”

And then she goes on to say:

“(google it if you don’t believe me).”

So I google it. And what do you know? She’s right.

Seasonal work

My dad was a super-smart computer engineer, but from time to time he worried about not knowing a skilled trade. “I wish I knew how to weld,” he’d say. “No matter where you are, people always need welders.”

He was right, of course. Super-smart, that man. A computer engineer or intellectual property guardian is going to be useless after the apocalypse, but a skilled tradesperson is gold. And even though he wasn’t aware of it, my dad did teach me a skilled trade: Crapwrapper.

“Firebox.com is paying 20 of its male forklift truck drivers and warehouse assistants to wrap presents as quickly as possible, using ugly brown duct tape and very little care.”

Firebox, if you need someone to head up a crapwrapping team in the US, I’m your girl. I learned my trade from the best.

I want a baboon

Okay, Chanukah Hannuka Hanukkah is over. Time to put away the menorah and get crackin’ on Christmas. Those reindeers’ teeth won’t brush themselves.