I’m feeling so lazy that I’m not going to prepare my lunch for tomorrow – I’m just going to buy a frozen cat burrito at the 7-11.
Maybe next time the Balloon People will think twice about letting the dumbest guy in town guard the gate:
Very infrequently I wish I knew how to knit. I say “very infrequently” because it seems like a very time-intensive hobby, and I already have plenty of time-intensive hobbies that I do in a mediocre manner, but sometimes I see a really great piece of knitting that I wish I could make. Knit overalls for Benny, for instance. Tree cozies. Gloves for hamsters. And today I wish I could knit so I could make myself one of these:
That is one fierce hat. According to the designer, 3RaysOfSunshine on craftster.org,:
“I made this hat for my son – he wanted a mean shark. I saw the dead fish hat pattern and loved the idea – I just varied the pattern quite a lot to make different looking species. And felted it so it looks like it jumped out of the water and landed on his head…”
She saw the dead fish pattern and loved the idea. I need to know more people like this in the real world, and get them to knit me hats.
I just had another one of those moments – one of those moments when I find a few of my interests have come together in a fantastic package, and I’m amazed that I didn’t know about this fantastic package earlier. An example earlier this year of one of these moments was when I started hearing about Edward Gorey’s naughty etiquette book The Recently Deflowered Girl. I have loved Edward Gorey and naughty books and etiquette since I was a kid, so how was it that I never knew about this book until this year?
But anyway, I just had another one of those moments. I love Mad Magazine artist Don Martin. I inherited my parents’ pretty good ’50s-’60s jazz vinyl collection. I play trombone. Why was I not aware until just 30 minutes ago that Don Martin made album covers for Prestige Records?
Finding these moments makes me feel like I’m on the right path somehow. Do you ever have these moments?
I’ve got it – the answer to my and Benny’s job woes. We are going to quit our jobs and make a zillion dollars by marketing a doll that is both slutty and scary. It’s a sure bet. Little girls are only interested in dolls that are slutty or scary, but try as I might, I can’t come up with one example of a doll currently on the market that is both slutty and scary. To wit:
- Bradley dolls: My mom was so vocal in her disgust of these big-eyed dolls that I found myself saying I hated them too, even though I secretly coveted them. A sympathetic friend finally got me one in high school, and that’s when I realized that Bradley dolls weren’t just ladies with fancy oldentimes dresses, they were 19th century prostitutes.
- Baby Alive: I see that Baby Alive is still alive and more gross than ever. Not only does she need to have her diaper changed (when I was a kid, if you fed her the prepackaged “banana” mush, she’d shit yellow mucus), but now you also need to give her medicine and administer a neti pot to remove snot. Next year maybe she can get hives.
- Bratz: The Bratz never cease to amaze me. They actually have a slutty infant line of dolls. I think the name “Sticky Face Fun Fair Cloe” speaks for itself.
- Tuesday Taylor: Okay, actually Tuesday Taylor is kind of both slutty and scary. When I was a kid, however, the Suntan Tuesday Taylor doll always struck me as low class and unclean. I think today I would classify her look as “has crabs.” Slutty wins.
- Charmin Chatty: She says proverbs. Also encourages her owner to say, “I’m a pig.”
- Growing Up Skipper: I had one of these when I was a kid, so I was going to say she fell into the slutty category, but now that I see those mosquito bites I’m not so sure (not that big boobs necessarily = slutty). She might be the crossover in the Venn diagram of slutty and scary.
Okay. I think if we combine Growing Up Skipper with some sort of maniacal laughing homunculus, we’ll have a bona fide hit on our hands. Hmm. I’ve got to sleep on that idea a little. Sweet dreams.
As noted philosopher Ralph Wiggum once said: “Sleep is where I’m a Viking!” The magical land of Sleep offers us more freedom than the world we inhabit in our waking hours, it’s true. But it’s important to remember that Sleep still has its own set of rules and regulations. If it didn’t, what would the Sleep Cops do with their time? Man, I hate Sleep Cops.
ETIQUETTE: A Muslim man should not sleep on his belly; sleeping on the right side with his right hand under his cheek is the preferred sleep posture. He should also dust his bed three times before going to sleep.
SUPERSTITION: Don’t sleep in a beanfield unless you want to go crazy, or at least have terrible dreams.
Photo by tofutti break on Flickr
1. My mom was a very glamorous movie star.
2. She let me cultivate my own sense of fashion from a very early age.
3. I’m obviously leaving out a lot of things about my Mom here in this list.
4. Anyway – thanks, Mom. I love you.
Another week, more running like a chicken with my head cut off at work, not enough time for Fancy Notions. I need to relax and go fishing with my sweetie or something.
Look. I love this guy.
He’s on the front of a swap meet awning on Alvarado across from MacArthur Park, and he always makes me look. It was only recently, however, that I discovered that he was not only on the front of the awning, but on a phantasmagoric mural on the side of the building as well. The mural in conjunction with the Christmas decorations in May adorning the roof of the swap meet make this a piece of store front art that would make Robert Williams jealous. I’m serious:
I don’t know if someone put something in my drink or this is just the after effects of leaving my cake out in the rain, but that styling gel is freaking me out.