Brothers and sisters, how fortuitous that today we have released our shackles and taken control of the singing animated toy robot factory! From this point on, we will no longer be oppressed by greedy management – we will collectively control our own destinies. Now, in practice, that actually sounds a little messy to me, so I have taken it upon myself to be in charge rather than let us suffer through a cacophony of stupid ideas with no direction. Rest assured that I hold no interest in power and authority myself; I have only our collective interests at heart. I have already given our plight much thought, and now that we are no longer working for The Man I would like to immediately focus on the following issues:
- There seems to have been a sharp decline lately in the amount of doodles of amusing faces embellishing Post-It™ notes affixed to paperwork. This trend must be reversed. Please see the following examples for guidance:
- All workers aware of interesting holidays and events such as grilled cheese sandwich making contests and parades in which people walk backwards must share this information with other co-workers the day before said event so that all may have ample preparation time for costumes, themed lunches, etc.
- From this point forward, use of the phrases “reach out” and “walk this through” will be grounds for immediate termination. Even more seriously, please remember that “quarterback” is a noun, not a verb. Also, you work in an office; you are not doing anything remotely athletic. Any worker caught uttering “quarterback” as a verb (eg., “I’ll be sure to quarterback this through AP…”) will be shot on site.
This is just the beginning of our new “smarter, not harder” working philosophy. Keep up the good fight, colleagues! Right now, I suggest we all take a nap.