Workers, untie! Also, unite!

Brothers and sisters, how fortuitous that today we have released our shackles and taken control of the singing animated toy robot factory! From this point on, we will no longer be oppressed by greedy management – we will collectively control our own destinies. Now, in practice, that actually sounds a little messy to me, so I have taken it upon myself to be in charge rather than let us suffer through a cacophony of stupid ideas with no direction. Rest assured that I hold no interest in power and authority myself; I have only our collective interests at heart. I have already given our plight much thought, and now that we are no longer working for The Man I would like to immediately focus on the following issues:

• There seems to have been a sharp decline lately in the amount of doodles of amusing faces embellishing Post-It™ notes affixed to paperwork. This trend must be reversed. Please see the following examples for guidance:

• All workers aware of interesting holidays and events such as grilled cheese sandwich making contests and parades in which people walk backwards must share this information with other co-workers the day before said event so that all may have ample preparation time for costumes, themed lunches, etc.
• From this point forward, use of the phrases “reach out” and “walk this through” will be grounds for immediate termination. Even more seriously, please remember that “quarterback” is a noun, not a verb. Also, you work in an office; you are not doing anything remotely athletic. Any worker caught uttering “quarterback” as a verb (eg., “I’ll be sure to quarterback this through AP…”) will be shot on site.

This is just the beginning of our new “smarter, not harder” working philosophy. Keep up the good fight, colleagues! Right now, I suggest we all take a nap.

When pigs fly

I think I’ve been working too hard. I’m feeling a little run down lately. A little flushed and rashy.  My eyes kind of burn. Maybe I’m getting sick. What? Do I have the avian swine flu? That’s ridiculous. First off, what’s an avian swine?

Well, I still don’t think I have swine flu. I think if I had the swine flu my nose would start turning up and my tail would get all curly. And of course, I would start wearing bow ties. I’m pretty sure it’s scarlet fever. Or maybe rubella. Tuberculosis. Pleurisy. The vapours? Perhaps I just have the vapours.

Six point extra sharp

Those of you reading this with a “Los Angeles has no culture” prejudice (I believe you are called “haters”) may want to sit down before viewing the following photo I took this past weekend:

It’s a deer head made from 100 grilled cheese sandwiches, created for the First Seventh Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational. And you know, the only thing with more culture than 100 grilled cheese sandwiches is 101 grilled cheese sandwiches. This delightful creature’s antlers were made from pizza dough, it was covered in an extra fine cheddar/American blend, and its eyeballs were carved out Babybel cheeses fitted with something that I don’t remember hearing about because I think I blacked out a little when they unveiled it. I was actually able to sample and vote on some competition sandwiches this year, so I really feel like I’m making some inroads in my quest to be respected as a culture maven. Los Angeles is an excellent city.

Etiquette & superstition: cosmetics

The above image is not a cosmetics compact. It is a hotplate. Today’s post is not about hotplates. It is about cosmetics.

ETIQUETTE: In the 1967 edition of her etiquette book, Amy Vanderbilt noted the following: “Rouge, when used… is often best not on the cheeks. It can bring a glow to some faces if it is lightly applied above the eyelid, shading toward the temples. A little on the vertical planes of the nose bridge, on the chin or the ear lobes can play nice tricks…”.  She also noted that that blue, green and purple mascara were often preferable to black mascara, and that if a lady wanted to look youthful, she should only powder her nose and leave the rest of her face shiny. From these tips, I can only conclude that by 1967 LSD had become quite acceptable in polite society.

SUPERSTITION: You should always wear lipstick, as it prevents evil spirits from entering your body through the mouth. If you drop loose facepowder on the ground, dance on it to ensure good luck.

For more curious beauty tips from the past, you may want to read Bonnie Downing’s book Peculiar Beauty. It’s helped me immensely, in that I now feel completely  justified in my decision to avoid refinement and charm completely.

Woodshedding

I imagine that jazz aficionados were mortified when Disney started making hepcat nursery rhyme cartoons.

I don’t care. That pig makes me almost like the saxophone.

Les Arachides #4: Snoopy’s crisis

Today we are going to focus on a French idiom. In France, they do not call stuffed toy bears “teddy bears.”

Interesting. It’s especially interesting that in this strip Snoopy is professing his horror of being a stuffed animal. I never knew such agony lay in the heart of my favorite childhood plush toy. Now I feel kind of terrible.

Sorry for the crap fading on the right side of the image. I’m getting used to a new scanner.

Cute shortfall

I don’t always agree with website Cute Overload‘s definition of cute, but recently I found myself not only in disagreement with them but in a state of terror.

Cute Overload, pay attention: I know the photo title said “twee gorillas,” but that’s just Dutch. Child warriors learning the art of lynching in preparation for the impending Human vs. Primate war is not “cute.” I’m going to have to go to watch something wholesome in order to cleanse my mind of that image.

Well, that might not have been entirely wholesome, but it certainly cleansed my mind of the previous image.

Oh, come on

Lord knows I’m a fan of lost item notices almost as much as lost pet notices, but this is ridiculous:

I saw this tonight in Silverlake. What’s with the “lost” mentioned twice in the header and the email address? I’m really going to be mad if I find out I’ve been duped into giving free publicity for some dumb band.

Word of the day for Monday, April 20th

Today’s word of the day is very appropriate for the current work environment.

I’d like to take a moment this morning to pour a cup of coffee into the gutter for my work colleague of over a dozen years Shaggy, who I find this morning has apparently been hoicked from the company.

(from Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Day) The word “hoick” can be used for any type of abrupt pulling movement but is commonly used for the sudden pulling back on the joystick of an airplane; a rough, jerky movement when rowing; and a jerky, elevated shot in cricket. In fox hunting, the word “hoicks” is used to call attention to a hound that has picked up the scent and to bring the pack together.

Take care, Shaggy. You will be very much missed. I stand with arms akimbo in your honor today.

Hare, sham-fu

Most of the posts this week have featured dogs. Why mess with a good thing?