With all the pre-emptions of America’s Next Top Model the past couple of weeks, last night’s viewing party/drinking game of ANTM was a very small affair – just Ross and Benny and I to watch the models as they lurch ever closer to the finale of this lackluster cycle. Ross has brought over some special edition Barack Obama wine, with Obama’s signature replicated on the back. Obama’s signature kind of looks like the Zodiac Killer’s signature. Hey, wait a minute – did we just elect the Zodiac Killer president? Oh, there’s no time to worry about this right now; Tyra is asking us if we want to be on top. Oh boy, do we!
8:00 – Apparently we missed seeing gender stereotype-refuser/belly slogan bearer/affectless cyborg Elina and Hootchie Sheena get kicked off. That’s too bad. Benny said he watched one of the episodes on the computer and it was pretty boring. That’s the problem with this show; it’s unwatchable unless you sit around with a group of friends and drink while you make fun of it. I wonder if Cover Girl is aware of this, or if they care.
8:04 – Frigging Samantha has a ponytail at the very top of her head like Pebbles Flintstone. It doesn’t do her neck or chin any favors. She does a cartwheel. McKey holds a stuffed koala. I thought they were in Amsterdam; why does she have a plush koala?
8:05 – Marjorie says she is really going to try to calm down instead of freak out. She doesn’t look all sweaty and druggy now that her drug buddy girlfriend Elina got kicked off. She still has crazy eyes, but the greasy sheen is definitely gone.
8:06 – Paulina greets the girls at a big loft apartment, and she is surrounded by pyramids of toilet paper and plates of raw herring. She says she is going to introduce the girls to some tricks. Maybe this is how the show gets financed – the girls start hooking once they get shipped off to the foreign location. Pretty clever. Paulina makes Annaleigh sniff the herring.
8:07 – It’s now McKey’s turn to sniff the herring, and she says it reminds her of the beach. Frigging Samantha doesn’t know if this frigging fish is sanitary.
8:08 – Paulina tells the girls they must act like the toilet paper is high fashion toilet paper, then they move to imaginary cellphone conversations. Paulina tells frigging Samantha to pretend she’s talking to a puppy. Or a poppy. Maybe Puffy? Something’s wrong with my ears.
8:13 – Commercial break. Apparently Pizza Hut has abandoned its sponsorship, but Round Table has taken up the vacant slot. A knight and walking piece of pizza and a nun do something. Round Table seems aware that the only people that watch this show are drunk people in need of snacks.
8:15 – Marjorie is still battling with her self doubts. They are focusing a lot on Marjorie this week. Hmm.
8:16 – Paulina and a director show the girls the storyboards for their upcoming commercial challenge. They are going to have to kiss noted male model Mark Vanderloo. The winner of the challenge gets a ten thousand dollar shopping spree with Cheech & Chong. Or maybe G Star.
8:17 – I think Mark Vanderloo takes very good photos, but on the show he looks like Lorenzo Lamas. Benny says, “He looks like the wrinkly guy.” Ross: “George Hamilton?” Me: “Michael Douglas?” Benny: “No, the guy who was on Fishing With John when they went ice fishing.” Willem Dafoe.
8:18 – The girls have to run on a treadmill while flirting with Mark Vanderloo, then get off the treadmill, kiss him, then run away. Annaleigh runs very strangely for an athlete. McKey has some sort of trouble reaching the target lips of Mark Vanderloo. Marjorie makes it through the kissing part, then curtsies to Mark before she leaves. Paulina thinks that Marjorie was awkard and “at times, a little scary.” The director thinks her performance was the most honest, and she wins the shopping spree. She takes Annaleigh with her.
8:22 – Apparently this G Star is a rip-off of the Gap, or maybe it’s a subsidiary brand. Who can spend $10,000 at the Gap? Thankfully, the girls get to split the money so they each only have to deal with trying to buy $5,000 worth of Gap. It’s still no easy task.
8:23 – Windmills and sinister music. Tyra mail! It says something about going dutch but giving it 100%. McKey says she’s heard the phrase “going dutch” but neither she nor the other girls have any idea what this means. At first I think this just indicates they’re all stupid, but then Ross and I start wondering if maybe it’s just a phrase that nobody uses anymore. like JAP and WASP. When’s the last time you heard somebody referred to as a JAP?
8:24 – Marjorie is deciding that she needs to relax more, so she calls the guys they posed with last week, and tells them to come over with some wine. The guys bring pizza and rosé. McKey notes that none of the girls except for Marjorie drink. Marjorie says, “Wine is my friend.” Uh oh.
8:25 – They eat pizza, play charades, then make the guys wear high heels. This is just like a sixth grade slumber party. McKey wrestles one of the guys with her awesome Ultimate Fighting skills. Some magic tricks are performed. Then, according to Annaleigh, “the party went from fun to… messy.”
8:26 – Kissing dares. Exactly like a slumber party. I expect them to start playing Light As A Feather Stiff As A Board, but they don’t. Or maybe they just don’t show that part.
8:27 – Commercial break. It’s Plus Sized Whitney’s Cover Girl ad. Her boobs bounce around a lot as she demonstrates mascara. Then an ad comes on for a Tyler Perry Christmas movie. Ugh. I can not stand Tyler Perry. I hope President Obama’s first executive decision is to outlaw Tyler Perry.
8:29 – Back to the slumber party. Frigging Samantha slaps her butt. One of the guys starts swinging McKey around by her knees. Marjorie gets into the tub while wearing her clothes and takes a bubble bath with one of the guys. Annaleigh starts getting protective and eventually kicks the guys out. They do not show Marjorie vomiting, but I’m sure some vomiting occurs at some point after the guys leave.
8:30 – The next morning Marjorie seems fine and she says, “Because I was the only girl drinking, I knew the other girls would take care of me. So I was safe. Ha!” Ha. They go to a goat farm to meet up with Mr. Jay.
8:32 – They do not have to pose with any goats, but they have to pose in front of a windmill while wearing wooden shoes and parts of farm equipment. They also get a pitchfork. Mr. Jay says, “You give a girl a rake and she becomes a model.”
8:33 – Marjorie has to wear a transparent pink plastic with pompon dingleballs around the collar, like a Tijuana taxi. Mr. Jay tells her, “You look absolutely crazy, like you’re high or drunk or something.”
8:34 – Frigging Samantha also gets a plastic jacket, and when she puts on her wooden clogs she believes she feels some frigging mud or cow poo inside one of them. During the shoot, Mr. Jay tells her to not make her legs look like such a block of wood. She works on this, but then the frigging clogs start hurting. Also the frigging pitchfork is hurting her. Mr. Jay says, “Oy, you’re killing me.”
8:35 – McKey’s turn. Mr. Jay: “I love how you’re working your chain. You love to climb up on some stuff, don’t you McKey?” This makes me uncomfortable but apparently McKey is okay with it, because she climbs up on the windmill and hangs upside down. Mr. Jay calls her a genius.
8:37 – Frigging Samantha is upset about her shoot: “I fucking messed up.” Wait. What? She just said “fucking.” She didn’t say “frigging,” she said “fucking.” And they didn’t bleep her out or anything. I know there is something wrong with my ears tonight, but both Benny and Ross heard it too. Huh.
8:38 – Marjorie starts drinking before the judging panel so she won’t be so nervous. Uh oh. They do a slow motion shot of Marjorie drinking wine, and we start imitating Tyra chewing Marjorie out for getting drunk before the judging panel. “This is a slap in the face of everybody here who is FIGHTING for you,” “In all the years of this show, I have NEVER seen such UNPROFESSIONAL behavior.” “I am so sad.” This is going to be hilarious.
8:44 – They are now at the judging panel, and they briefly show a photo of Tyra posing with some wooden clogs. She looks very Amazonian in the photo, like Anita Ekberg or something. “Let’s get this party… started.” Drink. Then she does a yoga sun salutation. Drink. “Avant garde chicks against the backdrop of windmills. Holla!” Drink. Refill.
8:46 – Tyra loves McKey’s photos. “You are finding your signature, girl!” Drink. She weaves her neck back and forth. Drink.
8:46:30 – Paulina feels that Marjorie looks like she was beamed in from another planet in her photo. Marjorie is very mellow, and all the judges remark on this. This is going to be awesome when they bust her for being drunk. I can’t wait.
8:47 – Frigging Samantha’s turn. Tyra sings, “Let’s see how you did the windmills on the plaaaaaains!” Drink. Miss Jay comments on the broken-down dollery of Frigging Samantha’s photo. Drink. Tyra demonstrates how Smantha’s mouth goes down at the edges. Tyra says she really likes this because Tyra’s own mouth is just round. She points to her mouth as she makes a blowjob face. Drink.
8:48 – The editor of Seventeen magazine really likes Annaleigh’s photo; she says it is like icing and sugar. Ross and Benny and I briefly discuss auditioning for the next cycle of the show. I bring up the age limit, and Ross says we can lie. Benny is going to wear his “pretty girl” Halloween costume to the audition (WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK. NOT SAFE FOR WORK. NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Seriously).
8:51 – Tyra says that this competition is “a horse race. You gotta see whose nose is sticking out a little more than the others.” Miss Jay looks at Annaleigh’s photo again and says, “Any girl who can stand up on a rake in the air like this I love,” but he doesn’t feel she’s been consistent in her photos.
8:52 – Tyra says it hurts her feelings when Frigging Samantha does badly. She says Marjorie has a je ne sais quois to her picture. Drink. The editor of Seventeen thinks Marjorie was being a little condescending during their critique of her.
8:53 – Tyra comments that McKey’s eyes “are boring into (her) soul and her Joker lips are making (her) go ooh ooh.” Then she weaves her neck. Drink and drink.
8:54 – They give Annaleigh her picture first. Then they call McKey. McKey not only has Joker lips, but Gary Glitter hair. Benny thinks that all of a sudden she looks like a plastic surgery victim with fake cheeks and tight skin. She does look much stranger than she did at the beginning of the cycle.
8:55 – Frigging Samantha and Drunk Marjorie are in the final two. Tyra says Frigging Samantha is not taking the competition seriously enough and doesn’t project herself like a model, but they kick Marjorie off. Tyra gives Marjorie a hug. Oh man, there’s no way Tyra’s not going to smell the booze on Marjorie’s breath now – here comes the “are you DRUNK?!?” confrontation! All right! Nope. Nothing happens except for Tyra starts imitating how Marjorie gets all spazzy when she’s not drunk. What a lost opportunity. Drink.
8:56 – Marjorie thinks it’s interesting that the judges noted that she needed to find a balance between her boring drunk self and her spazzy scary self: “Funny thing is I’m a Libra.”
8:57 – Next week is the finale. Thank god it’s almost over. Thank god.
Photo by greefus groinks on Flickr
