So, I went into last nights viewing party for last night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model thinking, “This is going to be great.” I was unable to procure a Rossbot, a robot that could preside over Ross’ Project Runway viewing party while the real Ross was over at my house watching Tyra, but Smoothie has said he’s back on board for watching ANTM, and he might even bring over Nicole and the new pet bunny. We have enlisted Kim and Pinky as new peanut gallery members as well.
Tonight is the makeover episode, which is traditionally the best episode of the cycle. The makeover episode is always chockful of crying and weaves that are too tight and unflattering dye jobs and stern talkings-to. It’s priceless. So it’s good we have a full team watching tonight.
8:02 – It’s 8:02 already? Where is everybody? Right now Benny and I are the only ones here. Ross calls and asks where we are. I tell him that I already explained I wasn’t coming over, and so did Benny. He remembers none of this. Perhaps I am talking to the Rossbot instead of the real Ross. The Rossbot was not programmed with any of Ross’ memories. That’s why he doesn’t remember us telling him we weren’t coming over. Hopefully the real Ross is coming over here as we speak, and he’s just stuck in traffic or something.
8:05 – Exotic-looking “I got to keep my name while the other Brittanys had to choose sassy nicknames like McKey and Frotz” Brittany is talking first. She actually did understand that the judges were insulting her last week when they said she looked very high-end catalog. She seems to be upset when people call her pretty. Pinky finally arrives at our house, staggering in the door. We live on a hill and she rode her bike while carrying a six-pack of beer, so she is understandably winded. We try to feed her carrots and buffalo balls. It’s the makeover episode! She is going to need her strength. Where is everybody else?
8:06 – Tyra is in the models’ house, wearing a 99 cent store tiara and a wand. She gives all of the girls tiaras, and then brings out some pizza. She has a sad story about how none of the major designers wanted to hire her as a model as soon as she got boobs and a butt, and how when this happened, she and her mom had a nice pizza binge session and figured out how to make money off these new boobs and butt. She had to transform herself into a swimsuit model.
8:07 – Tyra shrieks that it’s time for makeovers, and all the girls join in for a big group shriek. Miss Jay appears from around a corner dressed like the evil stepmother witch from Snow White. Tyra starts eating an apple and talking at the same time, and apple juice is dribbling out of her mouth, and then she passes out. Mr. Jay arrives, announcing that he is Prince Couture, and he has come to save Tyra. He lifts Tyra into his arms without straining. We find this highly suspect; there is obviously a PA underneath Tyra assisting in the lifting process. Glamorous stuff, this show business.
8:09 – They’re going to cover all the mirrors in the hair salon when the girls get their makeovers so that the girls don’t know what’s going on unless they actually look around them and see hair weaves sitting around or their own hair in clumps on the floor. Tyra doesn’t even bother to show up at the salon. This doesn’t bode well for the episode.
8:10 – Oh lord. Tyra is now in the lower left hand corner of the screen, superimposed over the action at the salon. She is dressed up like Glinda the Good Witch, and says she is the “Good Fierce Witch.” We halfheartedly drink when she says, “Fierce.” She’s using this episode as an audition for Wicked. This is sadder than when Sean Young dressed up like the Catwoman on the Tonight Show.
8:11 – Kim finally arrives at the viewing party. She got kind of lost on her way here, but she heard us yell, “Drink!” so that helped her find the right house. Elina the bisexual is hoping for long black hair, so we all assume that this is the girl who’s going to get her head shaved.
8:12 – Something else is pronounced “fierce” on the show. Drink. It’s definitely not Clark’s horrible black weave that’s fierce. Clark’s weave looks like a witch wig from Woolworth’s. It may have been Miss Jay’s wig from the earlier Snow White skit. I miss Woolworth’s.
8:14 – Miss Jay tells Elina that she is in for the most dramatic makeover on ANTM ever. It would be really nice if they gave Isis the most dramatic makeover ever, as in getting rid of that penis that has been bugging her, but then again maybe it isn’t such a good idea for the ANTM crew to perform major surgery. It was really gruesome a few cycles ago when they decided to pull out Joanie’s snaggletooth. Blood everywhere.
8:18 – Commercial break. Ryan O’Neal is in trouble again, this time with his youngest son Redmond. This family must have some excellent Thanksgiving get-togethers. “Remember that time you beat your pregnant girlfriend so I shot you while you were handcuffed to the stairs?” “Oh man! And when I decapitated that friend of mine in the boat! Tatum! Remember that?” “….” “Tatum! Get out of the gravy!” “Please pass the meth, dad.”
8:19 – Elina the tough bisexual who doesn’t like gender coding is crying about her makeover. They have given her a frizzy red Karen Elson style hair weave. She cries very stoically so that nobody calls her a girly crybaby. She cries like a firefighter. Brittany says something quite intelligent, about how if you’re sure of who you are inside, you aren’t going to freak out about something as superficial as a a bad coif. “Hair shouldn’t matter.” Here here, Brittany. Well said. She’s out of here.
8:21 – All they do for Isis is give her a slightly longer weave. Yawn. They give Sheena a weave with highlights. They give Brittany a weave. Weaves for everyone. Brittany starts crying because Miss Jay says she’s pretty.
8:22 – Tyra mail! They get to go to the Baldwin Hills Wal-Mart. A guy wearing a gold-plated speculum around his neck greets them, accompanied by Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker’s wife. Oh wait – it’s actually a gold-plated rodent skull around his neck. A large rodent. Maybe a gopher.
8:24 – The girls are going to have to do a video for Wal-Mart’s extensive collection of Cover Girl cosmetics, and they don’t get a script. Marjorie finishes her video with a heart-felt “Thank god for Walgreen’s.”
8:26 – Hannah the Alaskan acts like Gomer Pyle in her testimonial; Nigel’s wife and Gopher Skull like this video the best. She wins the challenge, and is really happy because gollee sarge, now she will be able to Google herself.
8:27 – All these girls are at least 18 years old, but apparently they all still live with their parents. Brittany is nervous being out of her mom’s house. Elina says she hates her mom, even though she lives with her and doesn’t pay for food or rent. Brittany suggests that Elina may be using her mother, and Elina is very offended by the insightfulness of this comment. Brittany had better cut out the insight if she doesn’t want to get kicked off.
8:28 – Last cycle’s ANTM winner Whitney’s Cover Girl ad is on. They are definitely making her gain weight. She is dressed like an easy, breezy Michelin Man. We start talking about Queen Latifah’s prodigious spokesperson deals, and the conflict of interest in being a spokesperson for both Pizza Hut and Jenny Craig.
8:31 – Marjorie and Isis are giving Analeigh some constructive criticism about her posing; apparently she pouts too much when she poses. She says something about ice skating.
8:33 – The girls are going to do a swimwear photo shoot. Miss Jay talks about the civil rights implications of Tyra’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover back in the day. I am parched. Without Tyra actually onscreen interacting with others, there is much less opportunity to drink unless we make up new rules for the drinking game.
8:34 – Sheena has found a bikini the same color as her skin, but nobody calls her hootchie for making this choice. Joslyn has a bulge in the front of her bikini bottoms. Joslyn is not the transsexual. Isis is the transsexual. What is that bulge in Joslyn’s bikini bottom?
8:35 – Analeigh is concentrating on thinking outside her box. The photographer is a little scared of Hannah’s “psycho eyes” and has to continually tell her to tone down the schizo look. Brittany says she has stroked herself out.
8:37 – Brittany is walking really strangely. Pinky thinks she is paying homage to Dumb Donald from Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids. The camera assistant on the photo shoot is hiding underneath a t-shirt. I believe he is taking his cue from an episode of Fishing With John, where Tom Waits and John Lurie are supposed to be alone on a fishing boat so the cameraman on the boat with them has to hide under a tarp. This lumpy tarp is very visible in one of the shots, but you don’t know what it is until John Lurie points it out in the DVD commentary. Fishing With John was an excellent TV show. I wish we were watching Fishing With John right now.
8:38 – Elina has another text-only tattoo on her forearm, going from her wrist all the way to her elbow. Kim believes it is Morrissey lyrics. Pinky thinks it’s a line of wingdings. I think it’s a poem by that feminist poet from the ’60s and ’70s who always wrote stuff about “slick fish.” I can’t remember the name of this poet so I just keep saying, “Slippery fish, slippery fish.”
8:39 – It’s Isis’ turn to model the bikini. She says there is a lot of pressure on her. They let her wear boyshorts and sit in a chair though, so another opportunity for drama is completely wasted. There aren’t even any shots of the other models standing around snickering.
8:40 – They are back home, ruminating about the photo shoot. Isis is communicating telepathically. Her mouth is closed while she sits with another girl, but there are subtitles on the bottom of the screen indicating that Isis hopes she did okay during the shoot.
8:41 – Commercial break. Kim and Pinky both start texting, and I am still scribbling some notes. Benny feels left out, so he picks up the remote control and pretends that he is texting. This fools none of us. Where is Smoothie? Where is Nicole? Where is the bunny? This episode would be much better if we could take a drink every time the bunny did something cute. This episode is a dud.
8:44 – The wigger pasta ad for Domino’s comes on again. One thing I never noticed in this ad before is that at the end of the ad, a teenage girl gets annoyed with the wigger pasta and swats him with a tennis racquet or a flyswatter or something. This ad makes no sense.
8:45 – We’re at the judging panel. A giant photo of Tyra in a bathing suit is displayed. It is a one piece, more modest than the one Isis was given for her shoot. No more civil rights bikinis for Tyra.
8:46 – The judges like Sheena’s absolutely indiscernible makeover. Tyra says, “It makes you look sort of tropical.” Benny thinks she looks like that the Land o’ Lakes Girl, who of course hails from the tropical paradise of Minnesota.
8:47 – Tyra says something about being impressed with Lauren Brie’s ability to “toot (her) booty out.” McKey now looks like Heath Ledger after her makeover.
8:51 – Miss Jay imitates Joslyn. What is wrong with Tyra? Is she even here? When do we get to drink? This is ridiculous. Miss Jay imitates Joslyn again.
8:57 – Tyra is bored and runs through the photos of the successful girls very quickly. The final two are Joslyn and Analeigh. They hold hands. This is a thing this cycle, the final two girls holding hands. Yawn.
8:58 – Tyra is surprised that Analeigh isn’t posing better, and thinks she should be ahead of the pack because of her extensive ice skating experience. However, she is given her photo and Brittany is out. Tyra says the judges are looking for a certain model quality that is lacking in Brittany; “They see it but it’s not being reflected.” Brittany’s model quality has no reflection. Brittany’s model quality is a vampire. Brittany is sent home and marches off into the night in her high heels, rolling her suitcase behind her.
9:00 – We are all sorely disappointed in this episode. If there’s not going to be any Tyra in an episode, they need to give Paulina more screen time. Or something. Benny feels this episode was like when you keep talking to a friend about how great a certain restaurant is, and when you finally take your friend to the restaurant, there’s a dead mouse in your soup. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically what he said. Soup mouse. I don’t know what we’re going to do next week. Was it just one dud episode, or is this really the worst cycle yet?
Photo by Aim and shoot! on Flickr
