Ham haberdashery

Today’s fashion feature is courtesy of the ladies at The AntiCraft website, who have previously given us instructions for making a bomb cozy and knitted hat tributes to Vlad The Impaler. Continuing their exploration of a beloved medium, Zabet and Raellyn have created a bacon tiara.

This is a do it yourself project rather than an item you can pick up at your local carniceria jewelry store or fashion boutique, reinforcing my opinion that a proper tiara is earned, not bought. Hopefully the phrase “prepare to create the meat roses” will motivate you as much as it does me.

Fancy notions #10

We’ve come to that time of year when you have to start thinking in earnest about your Halloween costume, folks. And while your Sexy Abraham Lincoln costume last year was excellent, don’t expect people to let you ride on your reputation. You’re going to have to come up with something really good if you want to win the costume contest this year. Eighties goth icon Siouxsie Sioux? Martha Stewart already beat you to it. How about a visual pun costume like a pot head? You put a pot on your head, and walk around, and then people start hitting you on the head because that’s what people do when they see a person walking around with a pot on their head, and pretty soon everybody’s hitting your head to see how loud they can make it clang, and… No, you’re going to need some divine intervention if you want a good Halloween costume this year.

I suggest making a charm bracelet out of the following earrings featured as today’s Fancy Notions offering:

Between the African idol and the dancing Buddha and the pentagram, that’s a lot of supernatural power up there. One of these guys is bound to come up with an awesome idea for a Halloween costume. Wear this around day and night until inspiration strikes, then get to work. Ta daa! Best Halloween costume ever!

If you want these charms, write to me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com; I’ll send them to the first or most sincere person who writes in. Also, I’m probably going to change my mind about including the Insulting Mexican Hand Gesture charm in today’s offer, so you should write in before I come to my senses about that.

Salesmanship

These people know how to get rid of a kitten:

Nothing to fear

I thought it might be a good idea to let you know about an event that’s happening tomorrow in London. Should you happen to see photos or videos of this event online, I don’t want you panicking that the great primate/human war I’m always talking about has begun. It’s not a gang of gorillas running through the city, it’s just a gang of people in gorilla suits.

Now, if you see a gorilla actually driving a bus tomorrow, especially if you aren’t in London, it might be a good idea to alert the authorities. Either that or take a nap.

America’s Next Top Bottle recap – Goodbye, Pickle Pie

Last week’s ANTM viewing party/drinking game was held at our house, because when we tried watching it at Ross’ home two weeks ago while he recuperated from surgery, the other well-wishers at his home were too merry and rambunctious to facilitate a proper viewing of the show. But last week’s viewing party at our house just wasn’t the same without Ross.

So after brief discussions about teleconferencing and making one last attempt at creating a Rossbot, we decide that we cannot do without the real live and in person Ross’ witty repartee during the viewing, so we will go to his house. Also, he has better snacks. No news about Gort’s whereabouts, though I have seen some billboards around town indicating that she may have been busy filming a documentary about her life.

Ross has prepared a delicious feast, including roasted chicken. We do some brief research to see if we can call this a broasted chicken, but apparently we cannot. “Broasted” is to “roasted chicken” as “Martinized” is to “dry cleaning.” It is a trademarked technique. Well, we don’t need any damn broasting; Ross’ chicken is delicious. Maybe he should trademark his roasting technique. Call it “Rossted” chicken. Oh, the show is almost on. To the television.

Go bananas

“Hey, I like your scraper bike.”
“My scraper bike?”
“Your scraper bike.”
“Yeah, I like my scraper bike.”
“Zagnut bike. That’s sweet.”
“You got a scraper bike?”
“Nah. I don’t have any arms or legs. I can’t ride a bike.”
“Dang.”
“I’ll tell you what I do have, though.”
“Yeah?”
“Scraper chandelier. Pure Chiquita.”

“Shit.”

Word of the day for Tuesday, September 23rd

British newspaper The Times is running a story about how the editors of the Collins Dictionary just can’t find enough room to keep all the previously included words in the text while adding all those crucial new words and phrases like “unibrow” and “mouse potato.” It’s basically a bunch of bullshit; Collins is owned by the same company that controls the Times, so this is just a form of free publicity for Collins.

But anyway, they are saying that one lucky obscure word from their list of those tagged for deletion can be saved if enough people vote for it in their poll. Particular words have already been championed by various public figures. And though I do like “embrangled” because the word sounds like it’s riding a bucking bronco, I’m going to vote for “fubsy.” Fubsy means short and chubby, derived from the obsolete word “fubs,” which means a chubby person. I think both fubs and fubsy are good words to have on hand in this day and age, myself. But vote how you like.

You know, the hardest thing about preparing these words of the day is finding a glitter text generator that will actually generate glitter text without including an unremoveable tag for a great deal on a Nintendo XL SlimFast or whatever. But I have triumphed over the evil forces. Go ahead. Click on the letters above.

Flat of the Edmund Fitzgerald

Scott Avenue at Echo Park Blvd., Los Angeles:

(click on the photo above for musical accompaniment)

The legend lives on from the Gold Room on down
of the neighborhood called “Gitche Gumee.”
The street, it is said, never gives up her dead
when the paddle boats rest for the season.
For a month to month lease I sold my young niece
to the owners of Fashion of Echo.
The apartment was mine, so I bought me some wine
at the good liquor store House of Spirits.

The flat was the pride of the so-called East Side;
it looked like the houseboat on Quincy.
As duplexes go, it was bigger than most
and the landlord would pay gas and water.
The strict no pet clause, well, it gave me some pause
but we shook hands and I took the keys.
And later that night when my telephone rang,
could it be a cat howl he’d been hearin’?

My ancient feline made a tattle-tale sound
he knocked over his food dish and water.
And my landlord knew, as yes, I did too
’twas the end of my sweet tenancy.
I packed up my things and I gave back the keys,
and said, “Sir, it’s bin good t’know ya!”
I cursed my old cat and then that was that
I was out of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

A sound thrashing

When your face meats the floor

Artist Wim Delvoye has created a fantastic solution for those folks who find themselves in need of a little snack after they’ve passed out drunk on the floor: lunchmeat mosaic tiles.

Combine this with your mustard shoes and pickle hat, and you’ve got one satisfying meal. Much more appetizing than some of Wim’s other creations.