Fur curtains

Our refrigerator unexpectedly crapped out on us this week, so Benny and I have been sitting around miserably watching our food rot shopping for a new fridge. It’s really hard to buy a new refrigerator these days if you live in an old house like we do; the new SUV-style refrigerators are too wide to fit into the cut-out space in the kitchen meant to house the fridge.

It’s also hard to buy a new refrigerator no matter what house you live in if you’re shopping with me. The problem is that I get too distracted in places like Sears; not only is Sears the home of the trusted Kenmore line of appliances, but also the home of these fabulous items:

Just look at “F” up there. Fur curtains. Made by Monsanto. Jesus crackers, those are incredible. Now, it’s true that the above image is from the fall/winter 1976 Sears catalog and not a display I found in any store, but I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you sent in your order form with proper payment, Sears would be able to find that item in a warehouse somewhere and ship them to you Cash On Delivery. And I ask you, who can think of refrigerators when somebody’s shoving fur curtains in your face?

Summer fun

Etiquette & superstition: cycling

The past week has been a turbulent one for bicycle/driver/pedestrian relations. I’d just like to say to my fellow bike folks that if you can’t follow the tenets of my new hero Reama Dagasan of the Critical Manners bike ride, at least stop punching motorists and bashing in their windshields when they piss you off. No matter how justified it may be, this type of behavior only fosters bad feelings toward cyclists, and aggressive people have a poor way of dealing with their bad feelings. I like to stay out of politics on Fancy Notions, but this whole situation is getting very ugly and I think everybody needs to cool down and have respect for one another before someone gets killed.

Enough of the sermon; let’s get to some advanced biking etiquette and superstition, shall we? Yee haw!

ETIQUETTE: On long bicycle races, cyclists will need to take what are known as “comfort breaks.” They need to urinate. Often, a senior rider in the race will organize a group comfort break, in which the peloton slows down enough so that anybody needing to relieve him/herself can do so and then return to the pack without too much effort. If you are not partaking in the comfort break, you should not take this slowing-down as an opportunity to attack and get ahead in the peloton. And if you’re a photographer or TV reporter covering the race, it’s really not cool to take photos of a cyclist taking a comfort break.

SUPERSTITION: Cyclists have some pretty common superstitions, such as hating the number 13 and worrying about spilling salt. If you are given 13 as your number for a race, it is acceptable to affix the 13 upside-down to your jersey. As for the salt, everybody knows that spilling salt awakens the devil and causes him to lurk behind your left shoulder. To get rid of him, just throw a pinch of salt over your left shoulder so as to hit him square in the face. That’ll show him.

Now, if you’re like Danish cyclist Michael Sandstod, you might laugh in the face of this superstition. And you’ll be sorry. According to the Daily Peloton:

‘”Sandstod knocked over the salt shaker. Everyone waited for him to perform the usual ritual of pitching salt over the left shoulder. But to his teammates’ horror and disbelief, Sandstod didn’t pick up the salt. Instead, he spilled it again on purpose, letting the grains sprinkle on the tablecloth, on the carpet.” The next day, Sandstod crashed on a steep downhill. He broke his shoulder, fractured eight ribs, and punctured a lung. He spent the night in the ICU hooked up to a respirator as his wife and teammates waited for word about whether he would live or die. Sandstod survived his crash and retired from the sport in 2005, but to this day, riders whisper his story in hushed tones across team dinner tables in an effort to convince stubborn non-believers.’

Many thanks to Smoothie and Nicole for the racing tips!

Where’s my concerned phone call?

Dear Mom,

I hope that everything is okay with you. I’m a little concerned, because here I am in LA where we had an earthquake this morning, and I haven’t yet gotten my “I just wanted to make sure everybody is all right” phone call from you. While it’s true that today’s quake was more like this:

than this:

you always call after an earthquake. You always call after a thunderstorm, in fact. So what’s going on? I could be seriously hurt right now. Couldn’t I? There’s a plant that almost fell off its pedestal here at work. I mean, it wasn’t really wobbling that much but still it seemed like it could have fallen. I took the plant off the pedestal just to be safe. And yes I’m fine, Mom, IN CASE YOU STILL CARE.

Love,
your daughter

UPDATE 2:57 – She called! She called! “I just wanted to wait until the phone lines weren’t all tied up with emergency calls.” Mom still loves me!

Jungle red

I had a dream last night that I had eleven toes.

I have a feeling that tonight I’m not going to dream about toes.

Fancy notions #8

Let me tell ya ’bout the birds and the bees
And the flowers and the trees
And the moon up above
And a thing called “Love”

Let me tell ya ’bout the stars in the sky
And a girl and a guy
And the way they could kiss
On a night like this

When I look into your big brown eyes
It’s so very plain to see
That it’s time you learned about the facts of life
Starting from A to Z
(repeat ad infinitum)

Today’s Fancy Notions are genuine imported notions. How about that, folks? Imported! Made in Japan, these metal insect and avian specimens can be attached to your jacket, blouse, pantaloons, purse, hat, anything that might need a living creature pep-up.*

If you’re not familiar with the Fancy Notions way of dealing with fancy notions, here is the procedure: if you wish to receive this FREE item, email me at herndonofsunnyvale(at)gmail.com with your mailing address, and either the first or the most sincere emailer will receive this fancy notion. I will not use your mailing address for anything other than sending you this notion, if you’re concerned about that sort of thing.

*Please bear in mind that these pins/badges are made of metal, and are not actually living creatures.

Word of the day for Friday, July 25th

I think I chose this word today because when I went to the sandwich shop this week for lunch I saw a woman there wearing one of those fake foam asses. It was unmistakably a foam ass; it didn’t move with the rest of her body, and it just came out of nowhere and ended as abruptly as it arrived. Also, she had attached it too low or something, so mainly she looked like she was wearing a very full super-absorbency diaper. I tried to watch her sit down with it, but by that time I had been staring at her ridiculous ass for way too long and just decided to leave. I hope that each and every one of you can see a foam ass in action some day; it is truly amazing.

But anyway, a sackbut is a medieval trombone-like instrument; the word’s etymology is Old French, German, Spanish, and Aramaic, meaning “pull-push.”

As always, I do not recommend you clicking on the glitter letters above. I’m not responsible for anything that happens if you click on the glitter letters.

Temple of The Sacred Aspiring Starlets

“July 23, 2008; Wilcox Avenue north of Melrose in Hollywood:

“We were firmly convinced that it was a moderately priced bachelorette apartment building that we had come upon, and not a tomb.

“The arrangement of entrance passageway, door, and telephone entry system reminded us very forcibly of a more ornate version of our former habitations in the Los Feliz area. The fact that Victoria’s Secret catalogs were to be found in the mailboxes seemed almost certain proof that we were right in our conjecture.

“We were soon to know. There lay the sealed doorway, and behind it was the answer to the question.

“Alas, the manager was not answering her phone to buzz us in. Our discovery was to be delayed for yet another day.”

Apologies to Howard Carter

Next time just let her borrow your umbrella

My friend Carolyn noted recently that I hadn’t yet written a post about puppets. As it is Carolyn’s birthday today, I intend to rectify the situation immediately with a gem from renaissance man Patrick McGuinn’s film oeuvre. The following was an entry in a Hostess Foods contest some years ago, where the entrants were required to make their own commercial for Twinkies snack cakes (WARNING – if you’ve ever partaken in a late-night drinking session with me at my home, I’ve probably already made you watch this):

According to Patrick, he won second prize in the contest, receiving a Twinkie the Kid watch and a billion cases of Twinkies. He has since gone on to even bigger and better things, but I will always be grateful to him for introducing me to Vincent.

Give yourself a great big hand

Today’s fashion post focuses on gloves. With the depletion of the ozone layer and other factors contributing to our increased susceptibility to skin cancer these days, I think that we should all revisit our old friend the glove.

Gloves do not have to be stuffy relics from the past, as the kicky design pictured above illustrates. Think how fun these would be on a summer outing or a night out on the town. Looking for a willowy silhouette? What says willowy more than sleek metacarpal branches? Go ahead; make a statement with your accessories and see the attention you’ll create.

One note: please remember that glove wearing still carries a lot of etiquette rules you need to follow. The style pictured above would be appropriate for a cocktail dress, but not for a long formal gown. Also, please remember to remove your gloves when eating, playing cards, or applying makeup.

Gloves available at Halloween Asylum for a mere $12.99, a real bargain for the oomph it will provide your wardrobe