This is it. We’re finally going to find out what Fatima’s legal trouble is all about, and how Lauren cuts off her finger. This should be good. Gort is here tonight, and makes no mention of last week’s absence or of having been in any knife fights lately. Smoothie is asking that this week I refer to him as “a poor black man.” I agree to do so. Don’t let this confuse you.
8:02 – Benny and Gort are fighting already. Gort keeps yelling “Porn Nation, Porn Nation,” and Benny accuses her of showboating for the sake of getting more quotes in the recap here. It’s too bad that Ross isn’t here to mediate, but he’s going to be late, as he has a therapy client tonight and we were unable to convince him to bring him/her to the ANTM viewing/drinking game.
8:04 – Lauren is being subtitled again, saying something about being an artist. She must be doing ANTM as a conceptual art project, because she is working hard to stay in the competition even though it’s obvious she finds it humiliating. She says she really wants to be America’s Next Top Model, but she stumbles over the phrase “America’s Next Top Model” as if she just realized she was striving to be America’s Next Miss Artichoke.
8:05 – Staci Ann notes “the competition is so fierce,” and even though this is the first time in the history of this show that the word “fierce” has been used correctly, we have to drink. Gort is declining to participate this week, as she has a public reading later and it would be poor form to throw up egg rolls in the middle of her story.
8:05:30 – Fatima’s legal trouble! Some very suspicious story about her misplacing her green card. If she makes it to the part of the competition where the models travel to a foreign land, she’s not going to be able to get back into the country. Benny suggests that they could smuggle her back into the country in a coffin.
8:06 – Solo viola music indicates the arrival of Paulina Porizkova at the house. She suggests they play a game to help them with their communication skills. Paulina says they are going to pretend they are at a fancy party; she will be Miss DuBois. Miss DuBois is the name of Gort’s dog, so we find this kind of funny.
8:07 – Paulina as Miss DuBois is really good at befuddling the models; when one of them asks how her family is doing, she says “They are all dead.” Dominique gets psyched out watching the other girls and completely blows it: “Hello Paulina. My name’s Dominique. What’s your name?” At least she doesn’t get called a waitress like Katarzhgyirnah does.
8:10 – Plus-sized Whitney wants to make potato pancakes. While chopping onions, Lauren slices her thumb right through the nail. She doesn’t cut her finger off as Anya is asserting. She goes to the hospital, but between this and the green card problems of Corpse Pile, this episode is proving to be rather lackluster.
8:15 – A poor black man reveals that he not only has a handgun in the drawer of his nightstand, he has machine guns in his closet. I’m not sure how I feel about this, as I live next door to a poor black man.
8:16 – Whitney calls the potato pancakes “latkes.” Is she a Jewess? It would be neat if a plus-sized lesbian Jewess won ANTM this cycle. She notes that she is working her ass off. She would be wise to remember that last cycle the plus-sized girl got kicked off the show for working her ass off out of her plus sizes.
8:17 – Nicole and Benny think Lauren cut her finger on purpose, for sympathy and also prescription painkillers.
8:18 – Noted fashion stylist for noted fashion designer Jay Godfrey Courtney Kish shows up to present the challenge – a fancy party for all natural 7-Up, with a red carpet and everything. Courtney Kish has one of those voices where it sounds like she’s crying all the time.
8:19 – Ric Ocasek appears at the fancy party from behind a curtain of green apples. The entire club is wallpapered in green apples. New rule: we have to drink every time they show Ric Ocasek, even if no green apples are present.
8:20 – The fake entertainment reporter on the red carpet asks Dominique what she’s wearing, and she says “Jay Giorgio.” Everybody boos at this, but I have to say that it’s a little hard keeping track of all the Jays on the show at this point. Lauren is back from the hospital, and she tells the fake reporter that she’s not worried about the competition. “I could kick the shit out of those girls anytime.”
8:21 – Plus-sized Whitney is in a very revealing dress. There could be trouble if she makes any sudden movements. We notice that Anya has pointy ears like Mister Spock. She says something about tips or tits; as I may have noted before, she does not enunciate her words like Mister Spock. Here comes Ric again. Drink.
8:23 – Lauren is now drinking, and after her red carpet comment we are pretty sure she’s already on those painkillers. If Lauren kicks the shit out of Ric Ocasek, we have to drink the gin that Nicole and a poor black man brought over.
8:23:30 – Staci Ann says, “I have this in the bag.” I guess she’s going home. That’s too bad. After that vodka stealing incident last week, I was really starting to like her.
8:24 – The fake entertainment reporter from the red carpet calls Lauren a pottymouth and advises Staci Ann: “Don’t overthink it.” I wonder if anybody has ever said this to Staci Ann before.
8:25 – Anya wins the challenge again. She wins another nude photo shoot. Bleh. They make her pose amongst a bunch of lymons. No, wait; Sprite uses lymons. These are lemons and limes that go into all natural 7-Up. After the photo shoot, they give Anya a crate of lemons and limes. There is also a check for $10,000 in the crate. Gort hopes that Anya will use this on surgery for her bifurcated tongue.
8:27 – Easy, breezy Cover Girl ad. Saleisha’s hair is all over the place, and she urges us to vote. For the president, I think.
8:28 – A poor black man says that I should follow him around all day taking notes. I have to say that it might be more interesting than this episode of the Top Models.
8:29 – Corpse Pile gets a phone call saying that if she makes it down to the courthouse by 9 a.m. the next morning, she might be able to get her visa paperwork in order. “Hope you can make it.” Oh brother. Obviously a conflict of some sort is going to arise.
8:30 – “Tyra mail!” Screaming! Screaming! Something about going abroad. Screaming! Anya grabs Katyrzgynorna’s boobs. Screaming! They are taken by Fab Cab to a private jet at the airport. A private jet!
8:31 – A poor black man hopes that this cycle’s foreign destination is Tijuana. But no. Ha ha; they aren’t going anywhere. It’s just a photo shoot and Mister Jay is wearing Uggs. Mister Jay gets mad when the pile of corpses ditches the photo shoot in favor of getting her visa.
8:33 – Gort believes that Mister Jay is capable of blowing the private jet without smearing his lipstick. This may be true. Mister Jay says, “She’s going ‘hoo, hoo’,” in regards to Staci Ann’s problems with the wind. Her eyes and makeup are very sensitive, she says. Meanwhile, Anya is thinking outside the box about something.
8:36 – Corpse Stack is in a taxi driving around the airport. They can’t find the photo shoot. This wouldn’t have happened if she had taken the Fab Cab.
8:37 – The models get taken to an airplane hangar, and all of the judges are inside. Ross arrives. At our house, not the hangar.
8:42 – Tyra is mad. “Where is Fatima?” She then imitates a Valley girl. Drink. She introduces the judges: “Miss Jay if you’re nasty.” Benny says, “Oh, like that Prince song.”
8:43 – I have a note here that says “Mister Jay, Ross, burger Hasselhoff.” This relates to the models somehow.
8:46 – Tyra is giving advice to Lauren about chopping onions. Drink.
8:47 – Tyra critiques Dominique’s picture. “Booty tootch. I like that.” Staci Ann looks like Pac Man in her best shot. Mister Jay calls Whitney’s shot “so pageantry.” “Pageant” is their code word for “fat girl smiling too much.”
8:48 – Paulina loves Lauren, but notes that “she needs a little more of the ‘Okay, I can walk.’” The judges all love Anya’s picture, which I find odd because she is dressed like Mary Poppins.
8:49 – Tyra takes a dim view of Fatima’s absence from the photo shoot. Corpse Stack is in trouble. Benny starts setting up a lot of new rules and takes a dim view of Ross’ absence from the first half of the show.
8:52 – Judging time. Miss Jay’s eyebrows are gold glitter today.
8:54 – Tyra says “wiggity wack.” Drink.
8:55 – Lauren walks up to collect her picture and looks like she has to pee. The judges all think her walk is improving.
8:56 – Benny: “They’re going to keep the corpse and get rid of the stripper.” He is correct. Ross notes that Staci Ann is weak.
8:57 – Staci Ann sounds like Anya now that she’s crying. “God has great things for me.”
8:58 – Tyra salutes “the six baddest chicks” and tells them that they’re going on a trip next week. We argue about whether “baddest” is urban or not. We decide to drink.
