Gort didn’t show up to our ANTM viewing/drinking game ritual because she said she was going to be out of town. Smoothie and Nicole and Tea Hat have joined in, however. Benny and Smoothie discuss a knife fight at Verdugo High that they narrowly missed earlier in the day; for some reason I feel Gort may have been involved and this is the real reason for her absence. Just a feeling.
It turns out that this is a good night to miss the Top Models, as tonight is the hated rehash episode – “All the things we didn’t show you before!” i.e., “This stuff was too boring to show before but hell, let’s see if we can get an episode out of it anyway.” So let’s see if we can get a recap out of it anyway. 
8:02 – Ross is pretending to be Tyra pretending to have a headache from two episodes ago. She took one hand and put it one way on her head, and then took the other hand and put it the other way on her head, and voila. Headache. According to an inside source, Tyra makes the crew call her Precious. According to another inside source, she is also a big fat cow, but we know that this sort of talk hurts Tyra so we’re not going to engage in that.
8:03 – What we didn’t see before from the first episode where all the girls were dressed like gentlemen’s club style schoolgirls was Mister Jay giving all of the girls mirrors while welcoming them to Expressions 101 class. He tells them to express horror. They don’t.
8:05 – Dominique likes thinking about things. For instance, when she’s in the kitchen looking at an egg, she thinks, “This is an egg. How would I pose?” Now, this may sound stupid at first, but it reminds me of a part in the book Harriet The Spy where Harriet is cast as an onion in the school play about Christmas dinner. At first Harriet thinks the whole thing is absurd, but when she actually tries being an onion, it changes her whole way of thinking.
8:06 – Staci Ann not only aspires to be a lap dancer, but also a singer/songwriter. During her first judging panel, she sings a song about “My fierce, fierce lips” (drink, drink) and then imitates the vacuum tool at the dentist that they put in your mouth to suck up the saliva.
8:07 – Corpse Pile Fatima discusses her female genital mutilation in front of the judges. Drink. They replay the part where Marvita asks her if it makes her feel like less of a woman.
8:08 – Kim, the girl with the really small face, says she doesn’t want to be on the show any more because she can’t understand fashion and why anybody would pay $1,000 for a dumb pair of shoes. This makes Tyra really mad. Ha ha on Tyra.
8:09 – When the girls go to their communal living quarters for the first time, Dominique is really excited by something she sees in the bathroom. “There’s a bidet!” Somebody on this show knows what a bidet is.
8:10 – They are now showing how stupid Smallface Kim was, and how they didn’t want her on the show anyway. She doesn’t know what a coffee pot is and the other girls have to tell her.
8:11 – They replay the part where Paulina Porizkova insults everybody, and I wish I could watch all the footage from this encounter because it’s really quite good. Previously unaired insult to Claire in regards to her haircut: “You fell asleep on the lawnmower.” Ha ha on Claire.
8:12 – We talk about how we no longer see ads for the hair removal product Nads. Then we discuss the demise of Ayds, the delicious diet candy chew. Poor Ayds.
8:15 – There is another ad for the upcoming show “Farmer Wants A Wife.” Benny still says we can’t watch it, even though the ad promises “serious plowing” and features a girl that says, “I didn’t think roosters were real.”
8:19 – The anorexic girl who looks like Sarah Silverman is eating Jell-o with A1 steak sauce. Corpse Pile tells her she has a big butt.
8:20 – Tea Hat would like to know “What’s with all the bonnets?” All the girls are wearing knit caps during their interviews. You tell me, Tea Hat. You’re the one with the name Tea Hat.
8:21 – Somebody spills Claire’s breast milk and she screams because she thinks she can sell it as a nutrition drink for $50 a bottle. Tyra says “Bo weave a weave a weave.” Drink. Then she talks like a baby, or maybe Staci Ann. Cultural stereotyping of babies – drink.
8:22 – Dominique is saying she would like to be Martin Luther King, Jr., Donald Trump, or Mother Teresa, but “in a diva kind of way, okay?” Now again, this sounds stupid, but when I do an internet search on Mother Teresa, I get a website that says it “Discusses (her) beautification, her early years, and vocation.” Unfortunately, the website only discusses Mother Teresa’s beatification.
8:23 – Marvita is doing the photo shoot on the boat and she thinks she has “dia-rears or something.”
8:25 – They dyed Allison’s hair during the makeover, and now she looks more like Alyssa Milano than Sarah Silverman. She is being a jerk so they ask her to leave. Who’s the boss now, Allison? I said this out loud when they played this part before, so now I only say it in my mind.
8:28 – There’s an AT&T ad with Meat Loaf as a singing janitor.
8:28:30 – Amis breaks a lot of things in the house and the other girls laugh at her a lot. Plus sized Whitney says, “If you tied her to a tree, she’d argue with it.”
8:31 – Tyra: “Fierce firefighters!” Drink.
8:32 – The girls get drunk at dinner and then have wrestling matches when they get back home. Staci Ann gets to be the ring girl.
8:33 – They replay the photo shoot where the girls had to wear panties made of beef.
8:34 – Amis is kicked off the show. As she leaves the house, she accidentally hits the door and drops all her stuff. Then she yells.
8:42 – They replay the voguing posedown competition. I still don’t understand what was so wrong about Whitney doing the splits here. Something about the splits offends Benny Ninja however, so she is given a stern talking-to.
8:43 – Seriously. Anya needs subtitles. I was going to ask this girl I know from Hawaii if Anya has any sort of legitimate Hawaiian accent, but Tea Hat tells me that this girl’s sister is now dating a midget and I don’t think I could avoid bringing that up if I talked to this girl about the accent thing.
8:44 – Marvita is driving everybody crazy by playing the pink guitar she got during one of the photo shoots. She sings all night: “Proceeds go to breast cancer, proceeds go to breast cancerrrr,” “She’s getting pissed offfff,” “She done took a shower, ’bout damn tiiiime…”. Now I wish Marvita hadn’t been kicked off.
8:44 – They replay the neon bukkake photo shoot, and now I understand why Marvita didn’t shine during the shoot and got kicked off. No guitar.
8:49 – Benny proposes that we drink every time somebody on the show says “bitch,” but this is vetoed immediately. That would be asking for more trouble than this show is worth.
8:51 – During the menstrual cramp exercise at the dance studio, Tyra’s midsection is wrapped up in gaffer’s tape. We didn’t notice this before. Tyra tries to make Lauren mad by calling her a bitch. “Headache! Ow! Ow!” Ross is happy they are replaying this part.
8:52 – Is Whitney a lesbian? Tyra says she admires her for staying strong in a house full of “skinny, straight” girls. Whitney says, “I love eating muffin mix.”
8:53 – Time for the pop music genre photo shoot. Tyra pronounces this “John-Ra.” Benny notes that a Marshall bass amp is not an obvious prop for somebody trying to portray an R&B diva. Smoothie wonders why they did not include barbershop in this shoot, as that is his favorite John-Ra.
8:55 – The argument in the kitchen between Lauren and Corpse Pile where everybody is drinking coffee out of wine glasses is shown again. Coffee in wine glasses looks like dia-rear.
8:56 – The girls are drinking a lot again at a nightclub. When they get back to the Fab Cab, Staci Ann says something about continuing the party and reaches into her bra for a bindle of coke. Wait, no. She is taking a large item out of her coat. She stole a bottle of vodka from the night club. Staci Ann!
8:57 – Anya credits her love of fishing for her success during the sonogram puddle photo shoot.
8:59 – Precious promises that next week we really will see what is up with Fatima’s legal trouble and Lauren’s finger getting cut off. I guess Benny didn’t make that part up last week. I’m sorry I doubted you, Benny.
Tea Hat?
Apparently, I spelled it wrong – it’s TeaHat. Sorry.
Obfuscator.