America’s Next Top Bottle recap – Egg rolls and breast milk

Last week I said that there weren’t any decent online synopses of America’s Next Top Model, and I need to recant that. 4/4 does a really amazing job, and if you ever need to email someone an animated gif of Tyra waggling her finger while saying “fierce,” look him up. However, it does take him a little while to get each episode’s photoshoppings up, so I suppose I shall continue to recap as a public service; the hare to 4/4’s tortoise, as it were. We all need hares.

8:01- Our friend Gort is here tonight, which is very good because she has a lot of good insights about the show. She was the one who pointed out the other week that it was probably inappropriate for the judges to shout “RAZOR! GET A RAZOR!” at the victim of female genital mutilation. We are now discussing the airbrushing on Tyra’s crotch for the promo shots this season, because she looks smoother than Barbie down there. Gort claims there is some sort of special fade filter in Photoshop to remove cameltoe. Benny asks if there is a plumping setting.

8:03 – There is an ad for a new reality show called Farmer Wants a Wife. Ross and I marvel, but Benny says we are not allowed to watch it.

8:04 – There is something wrong with the sound. It keeps popping in and out. This could be annoying. The first person they focus on is Whitney, who kind of looks like Anna Nicole Smith and kind of looks like Wynonna Judd. Hey – fun fact! Did you know that Wynonna marries guys with funny names like Arch and Roach? It’s true. Oh, so anyway, usually the first person they focus on in the episode is the one that’s about to be eliminated. Watch out, Fatty.

8:05 – They are showing some more of Tyra’s critique of Claire from last week, and Tyra tells Claire that they need somebody who is more than just fierce. Drink. Gort doesn’t drink alcohol, so she has to eat an egg roll every time we have to drink. Claire is washing out her breast pump, and she is feeling guilty about leaving her baby to be on the show. The moms on this show are always really tedious except for the mail order bride from Cycle 8 who possibly didn’t really have any children but did say “Mommy misses you” a couple of times to someone on the phone.

8:06 – “TYRA MAIL!!!” Drink. They are not showing the LED screen and everybody is shouting so it’s absolutely impossible to tell what the Tyramail is about. Gort observes, “Dominique looks like her face was burnt off and her dad needed to steal a new one for her.” Only Gort could fit a Georges Franju reference into the Top Models. Maybe I should stop drinking.

8:06:30 – Lauren and Corpse Pile are arguing about missing coffee, and for some reason the girls are drinking coffee out of wine glasses. Somebody calls somebody a piece of shit, and somebody else tells somebody to “choke on it.”

8:08 – They are going in teams on go-sees with their Sprint Navigational cell phones. First stop is the design studio of Patricia Rollins. Claire mentions she’s a mother for no apparent reason. Staci Ann loves the cell phone because she says she is always getting lost.

8:10 – Lauren clomps around in a dress and Ross says she looks like a David Sedaris story. Hopefully she is not the one about the Stadium Pal.

8:14 – The sound feed is still screwed up. Benny is checking to see if it’s just a problem with the station by clicking over to the Knife Show. Benny really loves watching the Knife Show. Ross says the sound is making him feel like he’s huffing ether. Gort wants to know if we have any nitrous. We do not. Gort eats an egg roll instead.

8:19 – Anya is saying something about teamwork. Her team finds its way to Shoshanna’s. Shoshanna asks Whitney to take off her bra. Whitney comments on Dominique’s “angry little eyebrow face.”

8:22 – Lauren’s team is now at a different designer’s studio, where the designer makes clothes in which “you could do quirky things like cartwheels.” The designer then disparages Lauren’s “horse walk,” so there is definitely a limit on the quirky things you are allowed to do in her dresses.

8:24 – Dominique is missing a tooth! Her right first bicuspid. Nobody on the show says anything about this. She looks like Amy Winehouse with that tooth missing. Dominique is excited to be modeling for Seventeen Magazine and makes hot flash fanning motions. Biological women do not actually make hot flash fanning motions.

8:25 – “TYRA MAIL! Glarfglarclamshoeburgleblagga…”. Drink.

8:26 – Anya, intelligible for the first time this cycle: “Mr. Jay walking and walking and walking. He looked like a robot. A silver robot.” Mr. Jay is on a treadmill and people are throwing styrofoam peanuts at him. When this is over, Mr. Jay tells everybody he was demonstrating a metaphor.

8:27 – Tyra finally shows up to brag about how this week’s photo shoot was her idea because she saw this radical dance troupe Fuerza Bruta perform and it was so amazing. The girls are then shown a transparent Slip & Slide that they are supposed to pose on.

8:28 – Claire is told not to actually slide but she does anyway and gets a broken neck. Maybe just a concussion.

8:29 – The Flaming Lips are advertising Kraft salad dressing.

8:35 – Hair guy Christian Marc summons Katargina: “I wantchoo havea da new style.” Whenever one of the girls cries when she gets a hair cut, we have to take a drink. Gort eats an egg roll. Mr. Jay begs “Give us Staci Ann fun!” but everybody’s legs are still dead.

8:37 – Benny says Fatima is doing well, but she still looks like a mummy. She is happy about her shoot, because “I don’t even know how to swim.” They have been posing in three inches of water, but maybe this is swimming in Ethiopia. Ethiopia doesn’t seem very fun.

8:38 – “TYRA MAIL!!!” Feh. .

8:38:30 – We notice that the sound is no longer messed up, but they are now subtitling Lauren because she has become completely unintelligible. I hope she and Anya both make it to the Cover Girl TV ad episode.

8:40 – We take a moment to critique Dominique:

Ross: “Sad street queen.”
Gort: “Refugee. Hep-C.”
Benny: “She reminds me of the Home of the Rolled Taco at Santa Monica and Las Palmas.”

8:41 – Midol ad, followed by a “stop meth abuse” public service announcement.

8:42 – This week’s judging panel is introduced with the traditional “Tyra doing the photo shoot better” shot. Drink. She is posing in a … hmm… well, it’s a cum shower.

8:43 – Paulina Porizkova is mocking Miss Jay a little. Be careful, Paulina. Miss Jay has red sequined eyebrows. The judges’ honeymoon with Claire is definitely over.

8:44 – Tyra says, “Girl, ohhh!” Eat an egg roll. Then she sings a little. We debate whether Tyra singing should be a new rule for drinking, but Gort looks kind of full so we table the matter for the time being.

8:45 – Patricia Rollins remarks that Whitney’s photo looks like a sonogram, and Miss Jay adds, “Now that’s a full-figured fetus.” They both love the photo, so apparently these are compliments.

8:47 – Tyra approves of Dominique’s photo of pain and orgasm. A new rule is instituted regarding Tyra saying “orgasm.”

8:48 – Fatima poses like a teapot. Nigel says she looks like a teapot. Ross and Benny argue about why we don’t have TiVo. We all want to watch the teapot thing again.

8:49 – Dominique wins Cover Girl’s Model of the Week! Everybody hates Claire now. How did that happen so quickly? Everybody loved her and wanted to know what her breast milk tasted like, and now she smells like cat food.

8:52 – Tyra is speaking with a Russian accent. Drink. Eat an egg roll.

8:53 – The judges do not like Dominique’s translucent leggings. “She didn’t look fresh.” Somebody slips in a lousy British accent, but we’re not sure it’s Tyra so we don’t drink. Actually, yes we do.

8:53:30 – Anya is a “nymph elf whose head is on fire.” This is another compliment.

8:54 – Paulina defends Lauren by saying that “she’s slightly less Frankensteiny” this week. Gort thinks Paulina has gotten a lot of work done. I think it’s good work, but Gort thinks she looks a little Crypt Keeper. I bring up the fact that she has been married to Ric Ocasek for about 25 years. You know how couples start looking like each other after a while? Gort would like to see Paulina and Ric’s dog if they have one.

8:55 – Whitney isn’t going home. Neither is Staci Ann, though Benny thinks “she looks like a Care Bear. Remember that little black weather bear?” I don’t. Benny may be making this up.

8:56 – Oh dear. Claire and Lauren in the Final Two? Claire looks shocked. She wasn’t even that cunty this episode.

8:57 – Lauren stays! Upset of the Cycle!

8:58 – Claire says now she really feels guilty that she left her baby and husband and dog and didn’t even win. Ross observes, “The narcissist identifies more with a pet than a child or spouse.” I may not have mentioned previously that Ross is a licensed therapist.

8:59 – There is way too much yelling at this point, and I completely miss the teaser for next week but Benny swears it said something about Lauren cutting her finger off and Fatima facing legal trouble. More arguing about TiVo. Gort tries to leave the rest of the egg rolls but we make her take them home.