Watch your back, Crystal Bernard

[Editor's note: I will be using the word "monkey" in place of "chimp" and "ape" in this post, even though I know they aren't the same thing, because 1) the articles I'm referring to used them interchangeably so it's too confusing to determine which is the correct term, and 2) out of those terms, "monkey" sounds the funniest.]

I recently read that a plan is under way to kill a bunch of monkeys in Gibralter because they’re getting too aggressive, and like most stories about impending human/primate war, this one worries me. We know monkeys have terrible tempers and will chew a guy’s face and balls off for not bringing them enough cake. We know that monkeys can use weapons. We know that monkeys are capable of carrying out political assassinations. We know that at this very moment, they are hiding in our backyards and roaming our streets. And Charlton Heston is dead.

Please – let’s stop escalating the hostility with anti-evolution songs, monkey head transplants, and comparisons to George W. Bush. If we have a problem with the monkeys, let’s be civilized about this and take it to court. With any luck, we can get this all resolved and be friends again. We could even take a nice soak together or something. Wouldn’t that be nice?

photo by joyrex on flickr

Besthund

Some observant readers of Fancy Notions may be aware of the category “Bunch Of Baloney.” I started this category in order to mark posts that were complete fabrications, a la the “total bullshit” category on losanjealous.com. However, I wanted to expand the parameters of this category, so at one point I decided that the category would cover both lies and luncheon meat. I realize that up until now, the latter part of the category has been ignored, so here is my first attempt to remedy that:

Yowza. That is really something. Thanks very much to suicidefood for alerting me to this magical thing. You can order your very own wursthund from the good folks at Fleischerei Pahl if you happen to be in Felixdorf, Austria, but I doubt one of these would ship very well to the US.

Etiquette & superstition: poppies

I got out to the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve a little late this year to see any blue dicks, but the cream cups and locoweed pods were still in abundance, not to mention the California poppies.

When I was a kid, I was kind of afraid of California poppies. I was told that because they were the state flower, it was illegal to pick them; I was frequently worried that a poppy might die near me and I would get blamed for killing it or something, and I’d be sent to prison forever. Now that I’m older, I know a lot more about poppies,* so I was glad I went out to see them.

ETIQUETTE: The gift of red poppies indicates that the recipient inspires exotic passion in the giver. White poppies, intimacy. California poppies, dreams.

SUPERSTITION: Do not place poppies near your eyes or ears. If you put one near your ear, you’ll get an earache; if you hold one up to your eye, you will go blind. If you pick a red poppy and a petal falls off, make sure it doesn’t hit your hand. If it does, you will soon be struck by lightning.

* I know that sounds like code for “heh, heh; I do opiates” or something, but it’s not. I just know a lot more about poppies now that I’m not a kid.

Jesus built my drive shaft

Is this a common example of storefront art? I keep thinking it must be – Jesus blessing an auto repair shop. It seems so obvious, but I don’t think I’ve actually seen it before.

I tried to come up with some sort of reasoning for posting this today, but I came up blank: April 26th is not an important date in Flannery O’Connor, John Huston, Ministry or Gibby Haynes history. Not even anything pertinent to DriveSHAFT. Oh well. I’ve got a good car; I don’t need to be justified.

America’s Next Top Bottle backwash

The news wires have picked up a story about a Seattle-area stabbing that occurred Wednesday night during an America’s Next Top Model viewing/drinking party. Apparently someone was talking too loud, the other girls told her to shut up, there was some hair-pulling, then a knife was pulled out of a “nearby apple” and used to stab the loudmouth in the neck. Let this be a warning to anybody serving apples at an ANTM drinking party.

Photo by bryankennedy on flickr; caption is somewhat amusing

America’s Next Top Bottle recap – tomatoes in Roma not so fresh

Gort is once again absent from tonight’s ANTM viewing/drinking game party. I did see a photo of Klaatu emerging from his spaceship in last Friday’s LA Times, so it’s possible that Gort has some important business to attend to. No matter; TeaHat has brought her friend Madera along, and the rest of the regulars are in attendance. This week, Smoothie is asking that I refer to him as Extreme Slot Machine. When I refuse to do so, he says that he will be okay with me referring to him as “my silly shirt.” So it will be. Here come the models.

Etiquette & Superstition: invisibility

Fancy Notions friend Benny had a question regarding yesterday’s post:

I’m curious if there are any superstitions about invisible things or acceptable ways of behaving around them. Any advice would be most appreciated.

Invisibly, Benny

Glad you asked, Benny. That’s a very good question. For some reason, my etiquette books didn’t have any information on invisibility, and internet resources mainly directed me to articles about God or how I shouldn’t doubt somebody if they said they had a disability I couldn’t see. I found an advice column on salon.com that posed, “… what is the proper etiquette to follow when the hostess suddenly becomes invisible, when she literally disappears right before your eyes?” Eureka? No, they just avoided the question. Phoo. So, I need to do more research on invisibility etiquette, but in the meantime:

ETIQUETTE: When tending the flagstick (or “tending the pin”) for another golfer in your party, become invisible.

SUPERSTITION: To become invisible, simply sprinkle yourself with fern seeds. It’s very difficult to find fern seeds, so this is why more people do not make themselves invisible. Then again, perhaps lots of people make themselves invisible. It’s hard to know.

Photo found on Kwintessential with no credit; do let me know if it’s yours.

Happy Invisible Earth Day

Think about the invisible earth today. Conserve invisible water. Plant an invisible tree. Avoid traveling by invisible jet, and by all means leave the invisible car at home. Ride your invisible bike instead.

Photo is, of course, from icanhascheezburger.com

The easiest job in the world

God bless Sue Johanson and her crew for bringing comedy back to Sunday night TV. If you’re not familiar with “Talk Sex With Sue Johanson,” you may not see what’s so special about yet another sex advice show hosted by an ancient female homunculus, but please believe me: SueJo is a Canadian treasure not to be missed.

Terrible advice to callers, majestic turtleneck sweaters, vibrators wandering across the desk, and Sue’s constant confusion are all worth the price of basic cable, but it’s the shoddy call screening that really makes this show what it is. If there is a call screener at all, he or she does a terrible job. Roughly three quarters of the calls that make it on the air are joke questions, and Sue doesn’t seem to notice. Last week she blithely addressed the issue of “If my boyfriend does it to me in the butt, will that make my butt bigger?” (answer: “Oh, no. No, it won’t.”). This week, she didn’t raise an eyebrow in response to the question about hurting a midget’s insides, nor did she pause when faced with the gruntle query:

SueJo: A grondle?
Caller: I think it’s gruntle. Men and women have it?
SueJo: A gruntle. Where is this?
Caller: That’s what I’m wondering. Where the gruntle is.
SueJo: Gee, I don’t know. You got me. A gruntle.
Caller: Okay, well thanks anyway. I love the show, Sue.
SueJo: Well, thank you!

She doesn’t do any better with legitimate questions. Two separate callers have asked about testicles getting cold during intercourse, and both times she said she had never heard of that, that testicles get warm during intercouse, and she was going to have to look it up later. You can get better sex advice on the internet than from SueJo (link not safe for work; seriously).

I’m tempted to say I want her job, but I probably don’t. She makes it look easy because she’s a comic master. I would, however, take the call screening job. Let’s talk, Sue.

Fancy notions #3

I realize that today’s fancy notion may look like a dirty sock, but in reality it is much more. I found this sock (actually a pair of socks, but I have not found the mate to this one for at least ten months, which is why I am offering this one as a fancy notion to you today) at the 99 cent store amidst a bunch of “I love Jesus” socks; it says “sarcastic & proud” in case you are having trouble reading it. I think that this would be an excellent wristband if you cut off and threw away the bottom sock part; I would do it myself but I am a little old to be rocking any sort of Avril Lavigne sort of fashion thing.

In addition, I am including a vial of pink beads and a vial of purple beads, also found at the 99 cent store but also of exceptional quality. I see many great things for these fancy notions, just not enough for me to actually do anything with them, so as usual, if you can think of anything you’d like to do with these things, please let me know and I’ll send them to you.