Fancy Notions #18

The new year is coming to us on Friday, and I’m looking forward to it. 2009 just wasn’t my favorite year. I can’t really put my finger on why this year was such a dud, but 2010 has got to be better. Right?

One thing I like about a new year is the chance everyone has to start fresh, and even reinvent one’s self if that’s what one wants to do. I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble of reinventing myself, but perhaps you do. And that’s where today’s Fancy Notions offering comes in.

Reinvent yourself as a French person. Just take these notions, slap them onto your backpack, et voila – you have a naughty French backpack. The Paris and Eiffel Tower patches are flocked iron-ons, so you can still be a lazy American during the reinvention process. I’m not sure exactly what is so French about the blue ribbon flower appliques,

other than they’re called “appliques,” so from now on I’ll refer to them as fleurs bleues.

Are you ready to reinvent yourself as a French person? If so, just write in the comments section of your desire to own these notions. I will mail all three items – the flocked patches, saucy lace bit, and appliques des fleurs bleues – free of charge to the first person who writes in sounding even remotely serious. Sorry; offer not available to French people. Reinventors only, please.

The trouble with multi-tasking

Walk the dogs or pick up the birthday cake from the bakery. Doing both at the same time is just asking for it. Especially if you like playing with statues.

Gee whiz, it’s Christmas

Have a good one, no matter where you are.

Hooray for Santy Claus

My mom’s next door neighbor is named Bill McCutcheon. There’s an actor in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians named Bill McCutcheon. I wonder…

Two last packages

Maybe I’ll make my own Christmas list while I’m waiting for those two last packages that really should have come in the mail by now. Those two packages make the difference between grim empty-handedness and mirthful generosity on Christmas morning. Well, I’m going to stop worrying about what the USPS is or isn’t going to bring me. I’m going to focus on what Santa is or isn’t going to bring me. Let’s see; where was my Christmas list? Oh, here:

• ice bird
• sixfinger
• fashion face
• presto paints
• fantastic flowers
• fembot and maskatron
• gyromite
• wheelie bar

I actually got a wheelie bar for Benny. I hope he likes it. I hope it gets here…

Getting pissed

So this artist Alyce Santoro makes these Santa Claus mushroom things:

And then she explains them by saying:

“Inspired by evidence that the
flying reindeer/Santa Claus myth
comes from Siberian
shamans eating
Amanita muscaria mushrooms…”

And then she goes on to say:

“(google it if you don’t believe me).”

So I google it. And what do you know? She’s right.

Seasonal work

My dad was a super-smart computer engineer, but from time to time he worried about not knowing a skilled trade. “I wish I knew how to weld,” he’d say. “No matter where you are, people always need welders.”

He was right, of course. Super-smart, that man. A computer engineer or intellectual property guardian is going to be useless after the apocalypse, but a skilled tradesperson is gold. And even though he wasn’t aware of it, my dad did teach me a skilled trade: Crapwrapper.

“Firebox.com is paying 20 of its male forklift truck drivers and warehouse assistants to wrap presents as quickly as possible, using ugly brown duct tape and very little care.”

Firebox, if you need someone to head up a crapwrapping team in the US, I’m your girl. I learned my trade from the best.

I want a baboon

Okay, Chanukah Hannuka Hanukkah is over. Time to put away the menorah and get crackin’ on Christmas. Those reindeers’ teeth won’t brush themselves.

Word of the day for Friday, December 18th

I’ve been reading an article this cranky guy wrote about his problem with something called:

Camel case is the insertion of a capital letter in the body of a word rather than at the beginning. The last straw for him and the reason for writing the article, apparently, was a phrase or brand name he came across recently that employed not one, but two insertive capital letters. The author does not reveal the identity of the dromedary-cased phrase, ostensibly because it incenses him so much that he doesn’t want to acknowledge its existence.

He makes the case that without spaces between words, wegetconfusedandhavetoreadeverythingoutloud, and when we do that, we’re basically walking around muttering brand names (the most common camel-casers). I believe, however, that a CamelCasedPhraseIsNearlyTheSameAsAPhraseWithSpacesBetween
WordsAndThisGuyNeedsToFindSomethingElseToGetCrankyAbout. Besides Irishmen and computer programmers, I think I have Mike Watt of mINUTEMEN behind me on this. Maybe even e.e. cummings. Ah, look; it appears that the author has already turned his crankiness to steamboats. Thank you for seeing the light, CrankyAuthor.

Death of a Micronation

Earlier in the week we celebrated a great man’s birth. It is with great sadness that today I must report another great man’s passing. Ladies and gentlemen, the Prince of Seborga has died:

“Prince Giorgio, a bewhiskered grower of mimosa flowers from a family of mimosa growers, was seized by a glorious vision: that Seborga was not part of the surrounding Italian nation. It was an ancient principality, cruelly robbed of its sovereignty.

After convincing his Seborgan neighbors of their true significance, Giorgio Carbone was elected prince in 1963. He gracefully accepted the informal title of His Tremendousness, and was elected prince for life in 1995 by a vote of 304 to 4. Voters then ratified Seborga’s independence, which, by the prince’s interpretation, it already had.

Prince Giorgio established a palace, wrote a Constitution, and set up a cabinet and a parliament. He chose a coat of arms, minted money (with his picture), issued stamps (with his picture) and license plates, selected a national anthem and mobilized a standing army, consisting of Lt. Antonello Lacala. He adopted a motto: Sub umbra sede (Sit in the shade).”

The New York Times’ obituary recounts major events in His Tremendousness’ life, including a recent challenge to his sovereignty by a Princess Yasmine von Hohenstaufen Anjou Plantagenet. Rest in peace, Giorgio Carbone. You were an inspiration to us all.