The imperative form, Coney Island edition

I don’t remember the signs around the boardwalk being so bossy before.


And yes, I’m going to keep using the word “bossy.” These signs were not simply exhibiting leadership skills.


Etiquette & superstition: stuff on the moon

Good gravy. You’re an etiquette and superstition blogger who steps away from her computer for a week, and what happens? A Blood Moon happens. A Paschal Full Pink Blood Moon. Benny and I got into Denver on the second and less hectic leg of our trip late last night, and I have to say that seeing the full moon turn red while driving past the giant blue devil horse with glowing red eyes was rather dramatic.

ETIQUETTE: All that junk that the US and the USSR left on the moon is not junk; it is classified as “artifacts.” If you go to the moon, you should not try to clean up Neil Armstrong’s footprint or Alan Shepard’s golf ball or even any urine bags you might come across. Artifacts. Above all, do not go messing around where any of the Apollo or Lunokhod retroreflectors are located. There’s a speed limit on the moon so you don’t go kicking up space dust and ruining everything. Remember – only the first guys on the moon were allowed to ruin everything. Check with NASA about specific rules.

SUPERSTITION: Avoid travel when there is blood on the moon, as it is portends danger or death. There are three references in the Bible to the moon turning to blood before Judgment Day, but I wouldn’t worry about it unless the sun also turns the color of a sackcloth made of goat hair and a big earthquake comes along. So far, so good.

At water

You know when you’re snorkeling underwater and you look above you when a big fish or ray or turtle swims by you, and the sun is streaming behind the fish putting it in silhouette, and it looks like the fish is flying in the sky?

This wasn’t one of those times. These rays were actually flying in the sky.

I found them at a very pretty tetanus reef in Atwater Village.

There were no “Beware of Dogfish” signs in the front yard, so I figured I could poke around a little.

Thankfully, nothing poked me back.

Show biz

I saw this photo on the Facebook page “cool hard plastic toys 1940s 1950s 1960s,” and as usual, I have some questions. Do you think the models felt weird after this photo shoot? Do you think they told their moms about it? Do you think the chimp felt weird? When do we get to see his photos? Were there actually a million chimps in kimonos taking photos here, and the hoped-for end result was a cheesecake portfolio to rival that of Bunny Yeager‘s? And above all, where is the cool hard plastic toy? Should I not be asking that?


Polishing the banana

“Bananas… they’re always good for a laugh.” I have to agree. I won’t even yell at you for littering if you place a banana peel on the sidewalk in the popularly accepted “funny” orientation.

Published in: on April 6, 2014 at 10:31 am  Leave a Comment  
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Etiquette & superstition: flatulence

It’s okay, Bill. Girls only fart flowers.

ETIQUETTE: You will fart in front of somebody else during your lifetime. You will. There are those who say that you typically have 30 seconds’ warning before you need to pass gas, and that is ample time to excuse yourself to a more private spot, but there are instances where excusing yourself is an obtrusive act in itself which will result in the necessity of an explanation, and then where are you? Back acknowledging your fart, that’s where you are. Ignore it. Move on. If everybody in a yoga class said, “Excuse me,” every time he or she farted, nobody would be able to hear the teacher. Even Miss Manners says you should not acknowledge a fart regardless of whether you are the audience or the performer, and she doesn’t even do yoga.

SUPERSTITION: If you are among indigenous people in Ecuador and you fart, you are in for some serious trouble. It is believed that your soul leaves your body when you fart, and unlike Miss Manners, Ecuadorians feel it is important to draw attention to whomever has done the farting. Usually what happens is someone yells, “Uianza!” three times and claps the farter on the back, and everybody in the vicinity understands that the farter now has eight days to prepare a post-hunting expedition feast, presumably to gain his soul back. The alternative to the feast is for the flatulence producer to provide the person who hit him on the back with three jugs of beer. It seems to me that this beer-giving would result in some gas-passing on the part of the recipient, and then somebody else would get three jugs of beer, and so on, and so forth.

In a different hemisphere, farting is the solution rather than the cause of your problems. Okinawans believe that sleeplessness is caused by certain tree sprites called Kijimuna sitting on you while you lie in bed. These Kijimuna will go away if you fart.

Phancy phantasy

I’d normally say that the use of “ph” instead of “f” in the title of this animation was a waste of letters, but this piece is so ornate that I’d be okay with it being called “A Phphphphphantasy.” I even think the saxophone sounds nice.

Published in: on March 29, 2014 at 9:23 am  Leave a Comment  
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Maybe his name is Drake

Another gem from

I am pondering which of the following is correct:

  • Never call a monkey a duck. It will make the monkey very angry.
  • Never call a monkey “Janet.” It will make the monkey very angry.
  • Never call a redhead a duck. It will make the monkey very angry.

What do you think?

Published in: on March 26, 2014 at 5:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Condom and dumber

Remember the folks in Silver Lake last spring who seemed to have some sort of beef with their neighbors, something along the lines of the neighbors being evil people who liked to poison Armenians? And these folks took it upon themselves to inform the rest of the neighborhood of said beef by means of signs around their property warning against the evil poisoners?

Well, it seems they have a new beef.

Oh wait – is this the dirty condom?

That’s awfully big. I’d be pretty mad too. No, never mind; I think I remember seeing that last year. It’s just a blue tarp.

So sad. Can these neighbors ever get along? Here’s hoping the new mediator angel on the block

can resolve this before it blows into something really serious. I think somebody’s head is about to explode.

The proudest fellow in the Easter parade

Hey, gents! Are you tired of your lady getting all the attention with her fancy spring bonnet during your afternoon promenades? Have no fear; designer Walter Van Beirendonck is here to help.

Wow the crowds in your choice of jellybean-colored ensembles

or take your cue from the bright blue sky

and fresh green grass.

If you trade the pants for stretch polyester look-alikes, you might even be able to eat all the chocolate eggs without splitting a seam.


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